Stepmum wanting consistent bedtimes and some adult time at weekends?

[Disappointee]

DP and me have just had a blazing argument about the same issue and I’m wondering if I’m being a selfish idiot or whether I’m just asking for normal stuff?

have been with DP for 7 years. We broke up for a 2 month period in 2020 (covid). During that time he slept with other people and ultimately had a child from this. He wasn’t told until DSC was 9 months. We broke up again after this and got back together when DSC was 18 months. It was hard, but I love him, and I love DSC as well. There’s been hard times, with DSC mum, but ultimately I’ve always strived to maintain a sense of calm with everyone for the sake of DSC. DSC is 5.

We have DSC every Friday - Monday. Me and DP work full time. DPs first priority has to be DSC. I do understand that.

However, we are ultimately roommates at this point in time. Our schedules leave very little time in the week for anything remotely intimate, and weekends focus on DSC (as they should).

My issue is that we’ve spoken about the need to maintain intimacy and to be a couple. This weekend, we had a movie night with DSC, theme park today and a visit to my mum and dads for a roast tomorrow (all with DSC). I have zero issue with this - weekends are family time for us.

My issue is that DP said 2 weeks ago that he would see if DSC wanted a sleepover at his ninnies (GP) tonight. DSC was excited and loves ninnie. I said to DP this morning that I’d found a nice place to eat, and we would all go to his mums to drop DSC, wait until he’s asleep and then go out. DP then said he’s forgot to ask his mum. He then rung her and asked if she could mind him tonight - she had plans. Absolutely fine, it was short notice and there’s always next week/another time.

DSC bed time routine starts around 630. Calmer, more relaxing activities, usually a bath and then a bed time story. He is asleep for 715/30.

DP decided to take DSC to the shop at 6 today, didn’t get back until 7. DSC hasn’t had dinner at this point, is overstimulated and no signs of going to sleep. This is a usual occurrence on Saturdays, and he is so exhausted the next day. Bed time drifts to around 830/9.

DP said I’m unreasonable to be slightly annoyed at this because it’s “DSC weekend” and he wants to spend as much time as possible with him. I do get that.

I’m a bit upset that I was mentally preparing for a date night, and now it’s another family night. We usually end up dosing off around 9/930 as the days are so full on!

Aibu to think bedtimes should stay consistent for DSC, to keep him from being exhausted, but also to give us some adult time? Or am I being an evil stepmum? 😔

Later nights at the weekend was normal for our dc.
You have three nights a week just the two of you, surely you can work round other commitments to make time for each other then.
Couples with shared dc who are there 100% of the time manage it, how else would subsequent children be conceived.

You’re not being unreasonable your DP doesn’t prioritise you in the slightest and you will slave away doing the wife-work and step-mom work for the scraps he is willing to give you. Your self-esteem must genuinely be on the floor to accept this sort of life where you basically get no time together and do nothing but work and look after his kid.

FWIW I don’t think you’re unreasonable about the bedtimes and 8:30-9:00 is a late bedtime in my book. When I only had one he was in bed before 7 every day because he was shattered and for me to have an evening off (lone parent). My DP has 3 kids (my step-kids) and their bedtime is still 8pm on school nights (excepting the teenager) and bedtime for the 11 year old is being extended a little later on Saturday. The teen can now stay up later on Saturdays (she gets to choose the film etc.) and Tuesday nights in the holidays too, but realistically can stay up later on any night she chooses. This is all with the exception of Fridays which are always our date night together. It’s important we get that time and the kids know we value each other as well as them.

There's a lot of weekends revolving around the child "and of course that's how it should be"... but should it? Is that your view or his?

You have the child 4 nights out of 7, and your partner works the other 3, so he is seeing his dd as much as any other father would who was working those hours even if the child lived there 7/7. Most parents do manage to carve out time for other stuff and for each other, arrange babysitters some weekends etc. I would be frustrated if I was you.

Sounds fairly typical when you have a young child. Life is busy and exhausting.

Your DP shouldn’t have let you down regarding the date night by not actually asking his Mum to have his child, however. That wasn’t fair of him to you or his child given he’d told them they could have a sleepover.

Is there a reason you can’t have intimacy over the weekend when his child is there? Assuming they sleep in their own room, do you just not want to do it? If you do want to, you need to make time for each other. Those of us who are parents to young children and don’t have any childcare do just have to crack on. Children in bed and an “early night” for the adults.

You aren't being unreasonable to expect the child have consistent bedtimes. That's basic parenting and is the norm.

The question of the roommate situation is seperate from the child. I would lay out to your partner that this isn't working and that he needs to find a way to prioritize both you and the child.

Not to be harsh but he got himself into this situation so the onus is on him to manage everything!

I don’t understand the bit about your DP sayings it a ‘DSC weekend’ as surely every weekend is a DSC weekend, as you have him every weekend, if it was every other weekend I would see this as more reasonable but it’s just a normal weekend

im also a pro consistent bedtime mum and my DC 4 and 7 are both in bed and asleep between 7-7:30 inc weekends unless it’s a special occasion (friends round for a bbq type thing) then it’s allowed to be pushed or DC7 has a club that finishes later and they are both 12 hour sleepers, it baffles me that young minds (SEND is the exception) who have consistently late bedtimes

You lost me when you said you got back with him after he fathered a child with someone else. You deserve better

Perhaps if you read OP's comments you'd see that they actually have the child FOUR nights per week, that's more than the mother does...so maybe keep your snippy comments hushed.

It’s both of our views I guess. I had therapy to talk through my feelings on getting back into a relationship with him when he was a dad. I never wanted my needs and wants to negatively affect DSC or their relationship, that’s not fair.

Id just like some time to feel like a partner. Step parenting is difficult, but it’s the life I have chosen.

Doors stay open on DSC and our bedroom (right next to each other) and it kills any intimacy. Mainly because I don’t feel comfortable or appropriate. So weekends there’s no intimacy at all. Whenever I’ve asked for doors to be slightly closed/temporarily closed it’s caused rows. So it’s just the way it is.

Intimacy to me means just closeness, time together. It doesn’t feel like we get any. It’s either work or parenting. I look at my friends who have children (their biological children) and they seem to go on dates often, have family helping with nights for dates… I feel like that’s not acceptable to ask for as a stepparent. It’s difficult

I agree with this. All children, but especially little ones like your DSC, really need solid routines around bedtime and good sleep hygiene, including at weekends.

Is this man really, really worth this? And if you want children with him are you sure he wants more?

Sorry, just saw you have your dsc 4 nights a week

That’s still 3 nights a week you have to yourself.

I’m a single parent with EOW free, I’d absolutely love 3 nights a week to myself! Plenty of time to have a relationship

What you are describing is just life with a young child. What if something happened to DSC’s mum and you had him all the time. ??

why?

My kids have loads of friends who spend all their weekends at their dads. Everybody seem happy with that, mum gets weekends off! They usually share holidays

Read the thread the father has the child 4/7 nights so more than 50/50!

He’s teaching till 9.30pm all the nights DSC isn’t there. And works all day from 9 till 5. Is the music teaching integral to your household expenditure? You may be worrying about the wrong thing. Namely DSC having a consistent bedtime, when the issue is you could be spending some evenings together with no DSC there, but your partner is always teaching music. I suspect this is much harder because of the way this circumstance came about and the fact DSC is not your child, then there would be an expectation the early years might leave little time for the two of you.

How old are you, Op? Do you want your own children? What aspects of the relationship still make you happy? Because right now it sounds like your DP isn’t really ever prioritising you, even when DSC isn't there. He should be happy and invested in the prospect of carving out time for date nights but it doesn’t sound like he is. In your shoes I’d be totally fed up and considering whether this was what I wanted.

Chuck him back, being a parent and a lover is not that hard; no pun intended; he’s all right isn’t he. What you want will not happen… these are the easiest days of parenting.

It is acceptable to ask... if you are being made to feel that it isn't then you habe a DP problem

BTW from a fire safety perspective it is much safer if bedroom doors are closed at night

You have them 4 nights a week, every week? That makes you the primary carers and you should be parenting and teaching good routines. At 5 they need consistency.

How did you see that update but not see that her dp works the other 3 nights, it was the same post!

Doesn't really sound like much of a relationship OP. Love isn't always enough.

Ultimately you want intimacy/alone time and he doesn’t, I also think that this is just going to get more and more difficult as the child gets older, I would seriously consider if that is something you are willing to tolerate.

Five year olds need sleep. He's being selfish to keep him up longer to see him as it means the child gets less sleep. Or is he avoiding time with you? I don't think much to him that he has a child with a random woman after five minutes.

In the first post you refer to your step child as a he.

But this post you’re referring to them as a she.

Why?

Slightly off-topic from the main point, but I’m a bit confused – in your first post you refer more than once to the DSC as he and him…. but by your 3rd post you are saying she and her.

I'm surprised as mine were going to be at seven for quite a while, certainly later than five.

Everything you’ve described sounds like normal life with a 5 yo OP.

Thing is, this isn’t your 5 year old. You sound like an amazing step mum but, fundamentally, you didn’t choose him to be in your life. Most parents choose to have DC together and hence understand they must take the good with the bad. You had no say in this - the drudgery most people face with small kids has been forced on you.

Im not surprised you feel some resentment. I don’t think it’s wrong to feel that way at all.

Do you want your own DC?

Maintaining ambiguity and trying not to be outing which is why I used DSC and not DSD.