Stepmum wanting consistent bedtimes and some adult time at weekends?

[Disappointee]

DP and me have just had a blazing argument about the same issue and I’m wondering if I’m being a selfish idiot or whether I’m just asking for normal stuff?

have been with DP for 7 years. We broke up for a 2 month period in 2020 (covid). During that time he slept with other people and ultimately had a child from this. He wasn’t told until DSC was 9 months. We broke up again after this and got back together when DSC was 18 months. It was hard, but I love him, and I love DSC as well. There’s been hard times, with DSC mum, but ultimately I’ve always strived to maintain a sense of calm with everyone for the sake of DSC. DSC is 5.

We have DSC every Friday - Monday. Me and DP work full time. DPs first priority has to be DSC. I do understand that.

However, we are ultimately roommates at this point in time. Our schedules leave very little time in the week for anything remotely intimate, and weekends focus on DSC (as they should).

My issue is that we’ve spoken about the need to maintain intimacy and to be a couple. This weekend, we had a movie night with DSC, theme park today and a visit to my mum and dads for a roast tomorrow (all with DSC). I have zero issue with this - weekends are family time for us.

My issue is that DP said 2 weeks ago that he would see if DSC wanted a sleepover at his ninnies (GP) tonight. DSC was excited and loves ninnie. I said to DP this morning that I’d found a nice place to eat, and we would all go to his mums to drop DSC, wait until he’s asleep and then go out. DP then said he’s forgot to ask his mum. He then rung her and asked if she could mind him tonight - she had plans. Absolutely fine, it was short notice and there’s always next week/another time.

DSC bed time routine starts around 630. Calmer, more relaxing activities, usually a bath and then a bed time story. He is asleep for 715/30.

DP decided to take DSC to the shop at 6 today, didn’t get back until 7. DSC hasn’t had dinner at this point, is overstimulated and no signs of going to sleep. This is a usual occurrence on Saturdays, and he is so exhausted the next day. Bed time drifts to around 830/9.

DP said I’m unreasonable to be slightly annoyed at this because it’s “DSC weekend” and he wants to spend as much time as possible with him. I do get that.

I’m a bit upset that I was mentally preparing for a date night, and now it’s another family night. We usually end up dosing off around 9/930 as the days are so full on!

Aibu to think bedtimes should stay consistent for DSC, to keep him from being exhausted, but also to give us some adult time? Or am I being an evil stepmum? 😔

You know you're not actually a step mum...

OP I'm afraid it looks like he's just not bothered about spending time with you the way you'd like.

I expect you make his life easier, and that's maybe the more important thing from his perspective.

Sorry to be brutal. I've also been in a long relationship where I look back and realise I was simply being used, and was replaced with breathtaking speed.

Life can be so much more fun and nicer than this.

Wondering how he managed to get someone pregnant when no one was allowed to meet-is she a family member or former housemate? Sounds very strange, and whichever it is, I'd not be with him, ok it's your business, but you're asking for opinions. Or did he just not care about infecting people, like he didn't care about cheating, doesn't care about your feelings, and now wants to act like allowing a kid to stay up late makes up for everything he did, instead of setting rules and following through on what he told you (regarding babysitting)?

Have you read her posts? I suggest you do.

Is this right? I usually sleep with my bedroom door open so there's a bit of a breeze - I keep my windows open too.

God life is to short for this. Not your kid, not your problem.
Leave him go find a nice single man who doesn't already have strings attached. If he loved you he wouldn't of got a random woman pregnant he would of been pining for you trying to get you back. Your just convenience at this point.

Very helpful.

Honestly he sounds like he doesn't give a fuck. You're contorting yourself into a relationship where you don't even come first, and he can't compromise at all or even guve you crumbs.
If you want a child of your own, you need to leave urgently before he steals the rear of your fertile years to help raise his child with no thanks.

Sounds like he’s using his child as an excuse to avoid intimacy - leaving bedroom doors open, forgetting to arrange babysitters, agreeing to long weekends every single weekend, starting an argument when you, not unreasonably, want to go on a rare date…are you sure he wants you as a partner and not just to share the parenting load?

Why would that astound you? Some people work weekends so don’t have their kids at a weekend. Maybe when co parents make this arrangement there’s a reason it’s done that way

I definitely wouldn’t have children with him. He’s decided how parenting is despite you having been with him and part of the primary care set up pretty much from day one. You sound cornered and down trodden by this man.

Before I had dd, I probably would have gone back to him. Knowing what parenting actually is, I certainly would not.

I would walk away and find someone, who is uncomplicated to have children with. You’ll be forever battling his attitude of ‘I know best’ and be constantly monitored under the assumption that you intend to treat your biological child differently from your dsd. He’s showing so many signs of this already. I don’t actually think that you would. However, you’re being controlled so tightly you can’t breathe.

Average overnight sleep length beyond age 4/5 can be as low as 9 hours, therefore for many families early bedtimes result in 5am wakes. There is a broad range of sleep needs for young children. Mine is 3.5 and does 11 hours, never 12, no matter how consistent we are with routine. Im all for consistency but you cant force a child to sleep 12hours by just putting them to bed.

I don’t know anyone who sleeps with their bedroom doors open! My kids are 6 and 4 and they’ve always slept with their doors closed. If they want to come through to our room, they just open the door…

I think the main issue is the lack of intimacy.

I suppose you’d hope that he’d be really keen for intimacy too- and he’d try to make it happen.

do you feel like he’s just living his life, focusing on his own priorities and ignoring you?

and you’re trying to stay part of his life by joining in with what he’s doing- like family days. But does he really care if you participate or not?

id say leave aside how dsc is parented and focus on how he feels about you and your relationship. I suppose it’s convenient for him, but is there anything else there in his mind.

did you want to have your own kids too.

sounds like it’s been a really hard time for you, so take care of yourself and don’t feel bad for asking for what you want 💐

Closed doors are much safer. Close every internal door ideally, it buys you quite a lot of extra time in a house fire.

Your DP’s schedule is not compatible with a relationship.

Yes, this. I think you've made a mistake and you're seeing what life is like now.

In your shoes, I wouldn't be happy having his child EVERY weekend (and I don't understand from his mum's perspective either, as a parent, I wouldn't be happy never having a weekend with my child). But it is what it is, you're (rightly) second in line to his child and it sounds like he's happy with the situation. If you're not, you have a decision to make.

Could you not…just close the door once stepchild is asleep, have a shag, then open it again afterwards on way back from the pee (unless you have an en-suite). Is stepchild a light sleeper? Mine at that age would sleep like the dead for the first 3 hours of falling asleep. If they woke up it was always later on in night so i think there should be some time..

He’s got children

children mean compromise

imagine having your own and you’d never really get a lot of time together

as it is you have an entire 4 days to have date nights and nights together alone,

it’s a choice to fill those up,

Honestly it does sound like he's maybe (consciously or unconsciously) avoiding intimacy - working late, bed early, open doors, keeping the kid up late, forgetting to book babysitting.
Is he sabotaging your attempts to spend time together?

Bedtime stuck at 7.30 for years and years with ours. Even at 10 it's only 8 for 8.30. We've tried later but he says he gets too tired and asks to go to bed earlier. He's a morning person.

Hi. I voted that you’re being unreasonable only bc I don’t know how you were expecting this to work. It’s probably time to move on.

You could shut the door for half an hour! This is ridiculous. Tbh if your partner isn’t suggesting that as a solution… why are you with them?

Also the mother really can’t have her own child every single weekend?! What would she do if your DH couldn’t one time?

He needs to stop teaching music at night, you could have 3 nights together. I myself would end the relationship though, there’s no benefit to being with him if you don’t spend time together and he argues when you ask to close the bedroom door.

I know that children are a priority, but It doesn't sound like there is much room for you. It seems that you are always the one making concessions.

How helpful is your DH around the home. Does he organise much like holidays, outings.

I don't understand why people keep saying you have at least 3 nights a week to spend together as a couple, when he is teaching on those nights until 9.30 pm. So presumably by the time he's eaten its 10 pm or more, on a week night.
You've said you are mostly like flatmates at this point.

It's pretty poor that the one date night you've had in ages just didn't happen because he didn't bother to book it.

If you want children of your own, you really need to have the discussion on whether that is going to happen or not....because time is not limitless.