Stepmum wanting consistent bedtimes and some adult time at weekends?

[Disappointee]

DP and me have just had a blazing argument about the same issue and I’m wondering if I’m being a selfish idiot or whether I’m just asking for normal stuff?

have been with DP for 7 years. We broke up for a 2 month period in 2020 (covid). During that time he slept with other people and ultimately had a child from this. He wasn’t told until DSC was 9 months. We broke up again after this and got back together when DSC was 18 months. It was hard, but I love him, and I love DSC as well. There’s been hard times, with DSC mum, but ultimately I’ve always strived to maintain a sense of calm with everyone for the sake of DSC. DSC is 5.

We have DSC every Friday - Monday. Me and DP work full time. DPs first priority has to be DSC. I do understand that.

However, we are ultimately roommates at this point in time. Our schedules leave very little time in the week for anything remotely intimate, and weekends focus on DSC (as they should).

My issue is that we’ve spoken about the need to maintain intimacy and to be a couple. This weekend, we had a movie night with DSC, theme park today and a visit to my mum and dads for a roast tomorrow (all with DSC). I have zero issue with this - weekends are family time for us.

My issue is that DP said 2 weeks ago that he would see if DSC wanted a sleepover at his ninnies (GP) tonight. DSC was excited and loves ninnie. I said to DP this morning that I’d found a nice place to eat, and we would all go to his mums to drop DSC, wait until he’s asleep and then go out. DP then said he’s forgot to ask his mum. He then rung her and asked if she could mind him tonight - she had plans. Absolutely fine, it was short notice and there’s always next week/another time.

DSC bed time routine starts around 630. Calmer, more relaxing activities, usually a bath and then a bed time story. He is asleep for 715/30.

DP decided to take DSC to the shop at 6 today, didn’t get back until 7. DSC hasn’t had dinner at this point, is overstimulated and no signs of going to sleep. This is a usual occurrence on Saturdays, and he is so exhausted the next day. Bed time drifts to around 830/9.

DP said I’m unreasonable to be slightly annoyed at this because it’s “DSC weekend” and he wants to spend as much time as possible with him. I do get that.

I’m a bit upset that I was mentally preparing for a date night, and now it’s another family night. We usually end up dosing off around 9/930 as the days are so full on!

Aibu to think bedtimes should stay consistent for DSC, to keep him from being exhausted, but also to give us some adult time? Or am I being an evil stepmum? 😔

It sounds as if the relationship has run its course. Why spend another decade as roommates and then have to deal with a stroppy teen? Perhaps you can do better than that for yourself?

So he insists on leaving the doors open (why?), but you're not intimate on those days mainly because you feel uncomfortable? - meaning that he would be happy to have sex with the doors open? I'm sorry but unless I'm missing something this is really odd.
As well as being so obsessed about not missing a single second of his time with DC, given he's actually the primary carer and the DC spends most of their time with your DP - as presumably he's at school during the week.
I don't have SC but I wouldn't be happy if my DH treated me this way and refused to close our kids bedroom door for half an hour! I think stepmums are held to a much higher standard, like they always have to prove something, whereas the majority of the women commenting wouldn't put up with this nonsense from the father of their own kids!

I know you say you love him, but he doesn't sound like a very good partner. It's perfectly reasonable to want some quality time together. At 5, his child is perfectly fine to sleep with doors closed between you. Most parents close the door at night.

I don't see how you can manage this awkward situation without resentment. I don't think it will get any easier as the child grows older. You're expected to sacrifice for the well-being of your partner's child, yet you aren't allowed to request simple things like quality time together, doors closed at bedtime, and scheduling a bedtime that allows you to enjoy a little privacy at the end of the day? He can't have it all his own way.

Honestly, I reckon that this is not going to pan out and you should move on asap. Your partner doesn’t seem to appreciate your relationship that much and you are bearing the burdens of being a parent without the real benefit of being a parent. Don’t forego the option to have your own kids for this!

What I would say, is that if you did genuinely both want to fight for this and think it really is worth saving, you both need to up your game on the stamina front. You don’t start work until 10am and he doesn’t start until 9am! You could shag his brains out at 10pm on a Tuesday-Thursday and still both get a decent 7 hours. The idea that you both don’t have time to have a decent shag and a breakfast date mid week with one part time step child is absolute madness. Beyond wild.

The same is to be said of the idea that you have to keep the door open at all times and cannot possibly have any intimacy together, even non sexual intimacy, whilst your DSS is with you - this is just a massive excuse, I’m afraid. Ditto the idea that you are both too tired (if you are both doing full on day trips every day of every weekend with DSS, this is also madness - he needs time to chill too!).

This is the thankless life of a stepmother.

Im not sure any love I felt for anyone would survive the relentless of it all. And if you ever have your own with DP then he will continue to focus on his DC so you will be stuck as a single parent with any joint children you have.

Pretty sure I know what I would do in this situation. What would you advise a sibling, a daughter or friend to do?

This is madness. You have his child for 4 nights a week using your entire weekend, week in - week out.

Were you consulted during the child arrangements? Why does the mother get so long child free? What do you see in this man? I’m not knocking him for being there for his child, but it sounds like you have little to no time for one another and all your free time is spent working around his love child.

Also, for those who are arguing for an earlier bedtime - that’s all very well, but kids stay up later as they get older too, so OP’s only a couple of years away from a standard 8.30 bedtime whatever happens.

When you realised that “dp” had been with other women and then fathered a child - what on earth made you think that this would be a good idea????????

the mother is laughing at you no doubt out and about every weekend with her sperm donor and you babysitting

raise your standards,
open your eyes
realise what is happening here

This in spades

Exactly what I was thinking. From Friday mornings (?) through to Tuesday after school pick up. She’s probably having the best sex of her life (no shade to your partner OP) and having mini breaks every weekend.

Summed up perfectly!

It’s 3 nights a week without his child. And I think OP said he works late those nights. Or she does.

my thought too. Can you see yourself growing old together?

You know you have the option to leave right ? You dont HAVE to be in a relationship where you aren't anywhere on the priorities list .
You could go and find a man who doesn't have children who will put you first and wants to spend time with you , or you can look back in 10 years time and realise you wasted your best years for absolutely fuck all .

The partner might have no desire to have further children - but would hardly want to be single-parenting alone, with no household support, on a single income.

I think in this case it would be absolutely reasonable for the child to stay at mums house some Friday nights or weekends .
why don’t you ask your partner if this is an option for them?
he could have them after school one afternoon sometimes.

He left you. Fathered a child with some random woman. Hid the existence of that child. Now all your weekends are tied up with childcare.

Are you mad?

personally i think you need to start making a life of your own, leave him to get on with the parenting.

Well it seems relevant. OP is taking on the identity of 'step mum' and making the expected sacrifices of that role while not only is she not married to her DP, she is treated like crap and as though she is not a priority. As other PPs have asked... why is she even in this relationship?

We had our DSC every weekend. Our routine was every wednesday after school / work and then Friday till Monday . In 15 years their mum has had them probably about 5 weekends . They are older now but now we have a 5 year old too and like you are too exhausted. When the DSC were little we either made time in the week or when they went to bed . If he sticks to every weekend it is hard and you will always come second .

Ironically we both work full time and his ex never worked so we would have a full week in work then have the DSC all weekend . They are 17 and 18 now and obviously dont come over as much its more like every other weekend but we have a brilliant relationship .

I wont say its easy but I would lower the expectations on the weekend and dont plan anything . Plan for the week instead.

This doesn't sound like a good relationship for you. You haven't got a child of your own and your partner doesn't seem to fully respect you and what you need. It must also be very difficult for you to respect him as he slept around immediately you were finished and during coving when many people made massive sacrifices to stay physically apart from others.

A child dominating absolutely everything for years is normal but I really dont think you are getting enough out of this to tolerate it and hope at some stage you realise this and find a life where you are an equal partner to someone.

I dont think thats standard. Every 5 yo i know goes to bed at 7ish, lots go earlier if they've just started reception

The bedroom doors thing is weird.

Your dh needs to have one out of the 3 evenings you dont have dsc where he stops teaching music earlier to give you time together, if he cant get DSC to bed earlier.

Tbh you've got a shit deal here op. Id probably walk away, personally.

He has him 4 nights a week, that’s not weekend parenting or part time only. My kids were always in bed at 7:30 at that age at weekends unless we were doing something special as better for them and us. If the child wakes up at 5 some hell or high water it’s way too late for them to be going to bed.

How about taking time off during the week now and then, to spend some time together just the two of you? We're fairly regimented with bedtimes for our kids, but not at the weekend. And you'll find the older they get, the less enforceable it becomes! Perhaps time to start thinking about whether this arrangement is fulfilling for you?

This is a shit deal for you. Life does not revolve around a child’s desires, but their needs in balance with the family. The kid needs to be in bed earlier and stay in bed until 6:30am. Assuming NT etc. Your relationship will either fall apart or be endlessly plagued with differing parenting approaches. Don’t have kids with him.