Stepmum wanting consistent bedtimes and some adult time at weekends?

[Disappointee]

DP and me have just had a blazing argument about the same issue and I’m wondering if I’m being a selfish idiot or whether I’m just asking for normal stuff?

have been with DP for 7 years. We broke up for a 2 month period in 2020 (covid). During that time he slept with other people and ultimately had a child from this. He wasn’t told until DSC was 9 months. We broke up again after this and got back together when DSC was 18 months. It was hard, but I love him, and I love DSC as well. There’s been hard times, with DSC mum, but ultimately I’ve always strived to maintain a sense of calm with everyone for the sake of DSC. DSC is 5.

We have DSC every Friday - Monday. Me and DP work full time. DPs first priority has to be DSC. I do understand that.

However, we are ultimately roommates at this point in time. Our schedules leave very little time in the week for anything remotely intimate, and weekends focus on DSC (as they should).

My issue is that we’ve spoken about the need to maintain intimacy and to be a couple. This weekend, we had a movie night with DSC, theme park today and a visit to my mum and dads for a roast tomorrow (all with DSC). I have zero issue with this - weekends are family time for us.

My issue is that DP said 2 weeks ago that he would see if DSC wanted a sleepover at his ninnies (GP) tonight. DSC was excited and loves ninnie. I said to DP this morning that I’d found a nice place to eat, and we would all go to his mums to drop DSC, wait until he’s asleep and then go out. DP then said he’s forgot to ask his mum. He then rung her and asked if she could mind him tonight - she had plans. Absolutely fine, it was short notice and there’s always next week/another time.

DSC bed time routine starts around 630. Calmer, more relaxing activities, usually a bath and then a bed time story. He is asleep for 715/30.

DP decided to take DSC to the shop at 6 today, didn’t get back until 7. DSC hasn’t had dinner at this point, is overstimulated and no signs of going to sleep. This is a usual occurrence on Saturdays, and he is so exhausted the next day. Bed time drifts to around 830/9.

DP said I’m unreasonable to be slightly annoyed at this because it’s “DSC weekend” and he wants to spend as much time as possible with him. I do get that.

I’m a bit upset that I was mentally preparing for a date night, and now it’s another family night. We usually end up dosing off around 9/930 as the days are so full on!

Aibu to think bedtimes should stay consistent for DSC, to keep him from being exhausted, but also to give us some adult time? Or am I being an evil stepmum? 😔

I think if he wanted more alone time and date nights with you he would do it.
The problem isn't your DSC, who is at his/her mum's 3 nights a week but your partner.
Most parents don't have anywhere near that much childfree time and yet make time to spend as a couple.

You say you want children so why haven't you had one yet ?

OP, I'm guessing that none of your friends or family gave you advice to end the relationship once the child suddenly turned up.

There are strong social norms against advising this - it sounds too harsh, as if encouraging you to be selfish and as if it's the poor child's fault.

But - it wasn't in your own best interest to continue unless your partner really is the only person in the world for you (unlikely).

This sounds a hard, relentless life for you at the moment - also a lonely one, which is quite sad.

If you did end it, your partner would eventually find someone else (sorry, but the odds are that he would!) who would take on a step-parenting role - so don't worry that everything is hanging on you. It isn't.

Why would you be living like this when it's not even your own child?!

It doesn't sound fun. Is this really how you want the next decade of your life to go? Your dp saying it's Dsds weekend when they're there every weekend is too much. If this was actually your kid your life wouldn't revolve around them so much, it would be more family based less dsd based.

Dsd needs to stay in room until 7- at 5yo she can understand. And those late bedtimes need capping. My 6yo goes to bed 7.30/8, any later and he's up early and a mess the next day.

Also I have a 3 year old and our bedroom door is shut every night. As is my sons. He can open the door himself and he will come into our room if he wants us. We leave a night light on on the landing. And we use a baby monitor so we can hear if he cries. It’s not that hard to think of a solution for a lot of the things you’re asking for.

Completely missing the point but does your DP get paid maintenance as he seems to have DC more than 50% of the time. He should also be the one claiming child benefit if this is the case.

This is so patronising. 🤮

OP sounds like a lovely step-mum, how do you not see that? Take off the blinkers.

An hour or so later at the weekend is fine. It’s not like he’s up until midnight ffs.

I think you need to have a serious conversation about what having a child together would look like... if you partner is essentially working 9 - 9.30pm when would he care for another child? It would all fall on you and Friday-Mon his priority would be his step child.

But anyway back to your original question... I dont think you are being unreasonable to ask for the proper bedtime. If your step child is with you more than half of the nights in the week, they should have a good routine!

In relation to your date night issue, you are just going to have to find ways to make it work.

One way is just biting the bullet and staying up later. If we decide to have a late night date night, we rotate the morning. So one person will get up when tje kids wake until an agreed time, the other person lies in. Then we swap and one person goes back to bed for a few hours while the other takes over.

Lock in a babysitter and organise a night out together.

If he's any kind of a decent dad that wouldn't be the case.

But is that what she actually wants. When my kids are older i wouldn't suddenly want to date someone with young kids again as its not what I would want young kids is a lot

Yep. Mum has every weekend off. Totally unfair.

It’s also bollocks. How many threads do we see detailing that one set of parents doing every weekend is unfair ?

Sadly OP it sounds like you want different things. You want some time with your partner, intimacy and to feel connected as a couple. Your partner isn't prioritising that. It would be simple enough to make time for a meal and glass of wine or two when little one is in bed and to close the bedroom door over for a short period of time! He's choosing not to do this - he is the problem, not DSC.

One solution would be the mother doing her fair share of weekends.

Oh what nonsense. Plenty of couples are able to build a relationship with a child in the mix.

As a step parent of many years I’d walk away from this relationship, it’s takes nurturing from both parties to make a good relationship and to be able to communicate well. Dh was a bit of a Disney dad when dsc was young but he didn’t get horribly defensive when it was brought up in conversation. We had dsc 3-4 nights a week also. It’s not easy but you both need to at least be on the same page. I love my dh very much and dsc has now grown up and has a house of their own but if I had my time again I wouldn’t have got into a relationship with a man who had a child it’s not easy.

Perhaps it’s time to think about what you want, you won’t change him he has to do that himself and you will always be second. It always seems as though it’s the women who are meant to sacrifice everything because the man has a child. Don’t do it to yourself, don’t spend years being unhappy hoping he’ll have some sort of epiphany.

OP, why are you wasting your precious life on this situation?

You really are in a thankless situation.
As for bringing another child into this mess, don't.

He's really not worth this grief.

Yes if they want to and are willing sacrifice for it like I said previously I wouldn't be. Once my kids are grown im out off that stage and wouldn't be willing to do it again for someone elses kids

What a situation to be in. How hard for you. And not your fault but also had hare for thr child and mother. I’m not sure how all of this can be explained in the future.

firstly I have no idea how you’ve forgiven your DP and of course you need time together as a couple. Personally this is not a relationship i could continue with.

secondly every weekend is too much. You need some weekends that are child free. The time needs to be split 50/50 but not always at a weekend.

You need time as a couple, and it might help to rearrange your working hours, if possible, so that you have some weekday evening time together. And it's OK to get a babysitter sometimes, given that DC is with you 4 nights a week. Your partner 'forgot' to ask his mum on a rare occasion you agreed to go out - that suggests that he doesn't want to prioritise time with you, which is concerning. The child coming first shouldn't mean that you are nowhere.

I don't think this is about parenting styles. You became a stepparent in the most challenging circumstances possible, and you deserve a medal for being willing to give it a go. DP's choices during your temporary split have consequences and here they are. Personally I would leave.

I agree, it’s too much.

Run! Why do women do this nonsense for men.

That too. But for whatever reason that doesn’t happen and the OP and her partner have just accepted that. So the mum actually has the child less than they do. The only thing I can think of is some sort of safeguarding concern as to why the mum can’t have them at weekends. Unless it’s just been agreed between the parents, in which case I feel there’s no hope. As like you said, surely the mum would have her even if it was one weekend a month. OP is never going to be prioritised here.

I think this is actually quite a difficult situation and tbh if I was in your shoes I would walk away. The set up is strange and unusual I'd maybe try for alternates? So you'd have every every second weekend free. If that couldn't be arranged then I'd just leave as there's nothing you can do here.