Stepmum wanting consistent bedtimes and some adult time at weekends?

[Disappointee]

DP and me have just had a blazing argument about the same issue and I’m wondering if I’m being a selfish idiot or whether I’m just asking for normal stuff?

have been with DP for 7 years. We broke up for a 2 month period in 2020 (covid). During that time he slept with other people and ultimately had a child from this. He wasn’t told until DSC was 9 months. We broke up again after this and got back together when DSC was 18 months. It was hard, but I love him, and I love DSC as well. There’s been hard times, with DSC mum, but ultimately I’ve always strived to maintain a sense of calm with everyone for the sake of DSC. DSC is 5.

We have DSC every Friday - Monday. Me and DP work full time. DPs first priority has to be DSC. I do understand that.

However, we are ultimately roommates at this point in time. Our schedules leave very little time in the week for anything remotely intimate, and weekends focus on DSC (as they should).

My issue is that we’ve spoken about the need to maintain intimacy and to be a couple. This weekend, we had a movie night with DSC, theme park today and a visit to my mum and dads for a roast tomorrow (all with DSC). I have zero issue with this - weekends are family time for us.

My issue is that DP said 2 weeks ago that he would see if DSC wanted a sleepover at his ninnies (GP) tonight. DSC was excited and loves ninnie. I said to DP this morning that I’d found a nice place to eat, and we would all go to his mums to drop DSC, wait until he’s asleep and then go out. DP then said he’s forgot to ask his mum. He then rung her and asked if she could mind him tonight - she had plans. Absolutely fine, it was short notice and there’s always next week/another time.

DSC bed time routine starts around 630. Calmer, more relaxing activities, usually a bath and then a bed time story. He is asleep for 715/30.

DP decided to take DSC to the shop at 6 today, didn’t get back until 7. DSC hasn’t had dinner at this point, is overstimulated and no signs of going to sleep. This is a usual occurrence on Saturdays, and he is so exhausted the next day. Bed time drifts to around 830/9.

DP said I’m unreasonable to be slightly annoyed at this because it’s “DSC weekend” and he wants to spend as much time as possible with him. I do get that.

I’m a bit upset that I was mentally preparing for a date night, and now it’s another family night. We usually end up dosing off around 9/930 as the days are so full on!

Aibu to think bedtimes should stay consistent for DSC, to keep him from being exhausted, but also to give us some adult time? Or am I being an evil stepmum? 😔

But why change the gender?

Just seems very bizarre to refer to them as “he” and then “she”.

Does sdc mum pay maintenance, out of interest?

some parents like having weekends free. I don’t get this insistence that somehow you can only have quality/fun time at the weekend.

I do want children, but I feel like it would be hard in this situation. I can’t explain why

This sounds really tough. But ultimately you are making a choice here. Obviously he will always prioritise his child and I’m not sure what else you can do if you’ve asked him for date nights now and then. If he isn’t doing that, it shows that he isn’t that bothered. Talk to him again. If nothing changes, then you either stick it out or leave.
Me and my DP have very little family support and never had a night off. But we always make sure that we have evenings together in the house. And that’s with a range of different ages. That’s why I think it’s a bit odd that your partner doesn’t seem that interested in doing the same. I think 8.30/9 is pretty late when they’re getting up at 5am. My 8 year old needs more sleep than that.

I hope you do not maintain ambiguity with you stepson/daughter, she or he will be confused.

Not many would like this set up, I can't see the relationship lasting.

I don’t understand why you’re in this relationship.

That’s the norm for life with kids I’m afraid. How do you think the rest of us are managing? We’ve 2 DC and both work full time. DH does a lot of night shifts including weekends , I work 9-5 mon-fri. You just have to make time. Whether it’s a late night quickie or eating late once kids are in bed and watching a movie. If DP is teaching music in the evening then is this private tuition? Can’t he just tell his pupils he’s not working X night and you plan a date night? My sons drum teacher goes on holiday, goes to gigs etc and he just tells us there’ll be no lesson that week, it’s really no big deal.

if he doesn’t want to make the time then that’s a different matter but 7 years down the line and no proposal? Do you want kids of your own? The relationship sounds stagnant.

It does sounds like couple time isn’t important to you both otherwise you’d be making it a priority.
Are you happy with the relationship? YANBU to want to spend regular time as a couple.

I hope he does the 5am wake up and not you! I would only do 5am for my children and be over hard to get them to stay either in bed or in their room until 6.30 to 7 am!

You say you have chosen this life, and I'm sure you did it with the best intentions. But don't be so proud that you feel you can't change your mind.

The priority isn't you at this time. Are you wanting children of your own? Because if so - you won't have any time for yourselves then. Is this more about you resenting the time your DP and you have to spend with his child?

Bedroom doors definitely need to be shut overnight - for fire safety. It could save your stepchild's life in a house fire.

Well said.

How old are you? Is this the life you want for yourself? I met a guy like this when I was younger and call me selfish but it really put me off and I ended things. You’re tied down before you’ve even had kids yourself with your life planned out. You’ll never be able to move away (if that ever came up), your weekends are always going to be centred around a child, no couple holidays. And the very basics of being in a relationship- no date nights. It would be different if the mum had the child some weekends. Find it crazy that she doesn’t. But you’re either all in or you’re not. Even if your DP does manage to find some time for you, it sounds like it will be few and far between.

I Honestly think it's unrealistic at this stage with a child - who he doesn't see the rest of the week - to expect much couple time in evenings. I think lots of families let kids stay up a bit at weekends - it might not be what every person on mumsnet will say is 'right' 'but it's definitely normal for many.

I wouldn't be hurrying my kid to bed every saturday if I didn't see them during the week.

I think its worth considering what would be normal if it was your own child isn't it? You would definitely not be so worried about the odd late night.

You also have nights in the week together which parents usually don't get.

I think the odd night out at a weekend - as any couple would have - is normal as well but perhaps you need to be realistic about how often that can happen.

I think you need to decide if this is the life you want. I’m the other end with teenage dc and that means very few nights without dc home. One has gone to uni, one is camping this weekend, but I’m still in company of the third so it’s our normal.

I do think you have a good point here, it does seem reasonable to want to spend time with your partner.

even if you got a baby monitor and switched it on for dsc after they had fallen asleep you could then shut the bedroom doors maybe. could this be a compromise?

Also even once a month would be nice for you both to do something together.

could you both take annual leave when they are due to be with his mother

I must admit part of me wonders if both of you are happy in this relationship? Does your partner tend to look for the easiest way out of things? Is he letting you pick up too much of his slack?

Bedroom doors shut at night ?! Please don't pretend that is normal for fire safety reasons! Maybe some do it - but absolutely standard I'm sure for parents with small children to have the doors open so they can hear if someone wakes/ if a little kid wants to climb into their parents bed.

At 5 years old both my kids would still regularly have come and got into bed with us at night.

You keep saying you are happy with all the child arrangements but you clearly aren't. You need to get proper relationship time built in somewhere for you and DP.

The child is probably waking up at 5am because they are in bed so early! 10 hours sleep is enough.

But that’s by-the-by, it sounds like OP’s partner is prioritising his child & music first, and OP is bottom of the list, plus she is trying do all the “fixing” and compromising here.

I would not plan on bringing another child into this situation.

OP, do you want children of your own?

It doesn't sound as if there's capacity in this household.

Think about what you actually want.

Why can't you find yourself a nice single man with no baggage, the one who would not shag other people because you have to live apart during covid? Where is your self-esteem? Your poor dad with his roast and your 'family time'. You don't have a family with this poor excuse of a man, he has a family with his fuck-buddy and their child. Wake up!

Probably because you know your child would come second to his first child.

I’d be suggesting he drops a night of teaching. Those three nights are effectively your time with each other. Bed times are unpredictable with little ones, plus you are all tired, plus the open door thing. I’d accept that when have your DSD intimacy is less likely. But then he’s also made himself completely unavailable for the other three evenings. I can see why you feel like roommates. He’s not prioritising you in any of this. What would he say if you suggested he dropped one of his teaching evenings?

Serious alarm bells ringing here. Practically, you can to swap one weekend day with a weekday and then you get a whole day/night together weekly to rebuild the bond. But it’s bizarre a parent is having every weekend off parenting…. Doesn’t she want any good quality time? If she is a fit mother then it’s in the best interest of the child to have at least one non-school day with her to bond?

Also, not sure about your DP. You may end up very resentful to have spent your youth this way.