AIBU to want firmer boundaries about seeing MIL on birthdays / Christmas?

[carkey26]

My MIL is a really lovely woman but she has this thing of insisting we see her on specific special days: DS' birthday, mother's day, Christmas Day etc.
And there's no compromise at all, it has to be ON THE DAY, not the day after or next weekend. If it's not on the day she gets really upset.

DH feels we just need to accommodate this but I think we need to set better boundaries. I'm keen to get an outside perspective on what's a reasonable compromise here. MIL obviously feels she's compromising because she says "you only need to see me for a few hours, not the full day" but to me that's not really a compromise.

Examples..

Mother's Day - We had to reschedule my first Mother's Day to a different day

Christmas Day - We planned to spend the day with my family but I said we could see MIL (and DH's family) all day Christmas Eve / Boxing Day / any day they chose! But she was insistent we came to hers for part of Christmas day. I offered an hour or two in the morning or evening. She insisted both and much longer than 1-2 hours. We ended up getting there for 8am(!), going to my family in the middle of the day, returning to MIL's in the late afternoon and then going home so spending about a third of the day in the car. DH admitted it had been far too much when we were on our way home.

The just random things like she was adamant she needed DS to come to the airport with DH when she came back from holiday. I had had something arranged on that day for months with my family, several of whom were traveling really far to us, and she wanted us to cut it short so DS could go to the airport. In her mind that was a fair compromise, whereas I was firmly of the mindset of no, it's not happening at all, we can't accommodate it.

Now that DS' first birthday is coming up in November and then we have the second Christmas, it's already starting again! We want to take DS on a really big day out on his actual birthday to the Zoo which will already be quite an undertaking and she's starting with "As long as I get to see him for at least part of the day.."

I don't want to be mean. Ungrateful. Fall out with anyone. But to me this isn't fair or sustainable. Compromise would look like 'we'll see you the day after' or 'we'll spend Christmas Day with you next year' not us cramming in as much as possible just to accommodate it all happening on the specific day!

AIBU to want to set stricter boundaries..?

Yes you need to set stricter boundaries. For a start, it's not fair to your family if MIL gets all the special occasions and secondly you should be able to do what works best for your DC on their own birthday. We never see family directly on DCs birthday unless it falls at the weekend. It's reasonable to alternate Christmas/Mother's Day etc between your family, DHs family, just the 3 of you if you wish.

The issue here really is your DH. He needs to stand up to his mum and say 'no we can't see you on Johnny's birthday as we'll be at the zoo and he'll be tired afterwards, but we'd love to have a tea party with you on the Saturday'. If she kicks off and sulks, so be it. Tricky if your DH won't agree to it though.

Your husband needs to be very firm and not pussyfoot around it. She is not his priority anymore, you and your child are. She cannot always have her own way and you have your own family who also want to see you at Christmas, most people I know alternate family Christmases. Just be very clear that these points are not up for discussion, if she gets upset so be it and if she doesn't agree to see you on a different day when you have plans elsewhere she doesn't get to see you at all and thats her fault.

this sounds so grating - set boundaries now. The first year with a new baby is usually a great opportunity to get selfish.

re DS birthday - he won't remember the zoo so do something you and DH want to do. If you want to invite family members to come along for the day then do so but if not suggest you do a "birthday" tea a day or 2 either side for cake and candles + grandparents. if she doesnt like it, tough shit. if she protests about Christmas/Mother's day again say "do you realise that I am also a mother, and I also have a mother myself?"

You have to be as good at 'insisting' as she is! She's had her own way for far too long. Set firm boundaries now or this will go on forever.

You need your husband to be on your team and agree way forward. You won't make MIL change without him in your corner.

Ask your husband, If seeing you for a couple of hours on the day is MIL's idea of compromise, what does her ideal situation look like?

Does he find that a normal and reasonable request? Does her ideal situation consider (AT ALL) the other family, or your immediate family? Or is she being self-centered/overbearing.

Seeing you on the day for a few hours, for every special occassion is not a reasonable compromise at all for a rational person, who appreciates young families are pulled in multiple directions.

I would have poor tolerance for this rubbish.
Say no, that doesn’t work for us.
Let DH do all the communicating with her, she’s so self centred .

Thank you. I completely agree!

There is already a birthday tea party happening just a few days before that she is coming to. It really is just somehow getting past this complete fixation on having to be there on the actual day.

As is so often the way, you have a DH problem. Tell him to grow a backbone and stop prioritising his mother over his wife.

If he is unwilling to do so, you'll need to have enough backbone for the two of you and set boundaries. She won't like it. There will inevitably be bad feeling and pushing of those boundaries. You need to be strong enough to endure his, until the new way becomes the status quo.

I’d be telling her very firmly that if she carries on like this, you won’t be seeing her at all. I hear New Zealand offers a great quality of life for families.

I do need DH to be the one to put down boundaries around this.

BUT one of the reasons I fell in love with DH was because of how caring he was about others and how close he was to his family. I know this reluctance to upset his mum comes from that place, and I do appreciate that.

I would have zero tolerance for this nonsense, she doesn’t get to insist on anything.

The acceptable options in her mind for Christmas, for example, are your parents never seeing their grandchild, or you always dragging yourselves and a young child to various houses on Christmas Day. How can anyone not understand the level of selfishness this shows?

But just say no. She can’t make you do anything!

Try asking her why she thinks she should take priority over everyone else -it would be interesting to hear how she justifies it.

Not equally as unwilling to upset you though is he. Rearranging your Mother’s Day for his mother’s?

As others have said, DH needs to grow a backbone.

Good luck

It’s her fixation. You don’t need to get past
it, she does. You just need to say No, and stick to it. Both of you. If she’s as lovely as you think she’ll accept this gracefully.

If not, then you’ll see her as a controlling bully. Either way you need to set boundaries now or this will be your life going forward. Good luck.

Your child was 1 month old last Christmas - easily portable.

This year will be different - overtired toddlers are a nightmare and need a bedtime and not carting around.
I use my kids as a reason, additionally it's ridiculous to continue like this, you and your husband are creating a little family of your own and she's not entitled to every day that's special.

Share Mother's day with her...maybe alternate years with your Mum

Invite her to the Zoo

He needs to care about the family that he choose to create first. You and DS should be his priority. You can care for your mum without riding roughshod over your wife and kids.

"We are going to concentrate on having the best experiences for our DC, and no travelling on Christmas day. That day will be at home, just with our little family. DC's birthday party is the family's opportunity to celebrate- we have other plans for the actual day. DH is welcome to see you on mother's day, but my DC will be with me, his mother."
Don't deviate or give in AT ALL.

I can empathise OP. The first time we told MIL we wouldn’t see her on Christmas Day she cried.

Mother’s Day was also a challenge. We got round this one by DH going alone or taking the kids with him. I saw my mum at the same time then had my own Mother’s Day in the afternoon.

As PP has said, you won’t put in boundaries if your DH isn’t completely on board. Once the guilt trip phone calls start coming in your DH is going to have to stay strong. Take the line that this is about being fair to all. Fair to your family, and fair to yourselves. Say you’ll alternate certain things like Christmas. Keep repeating the same lines. ‘It’s the fairest way’ ‘we’re being fair to both sides’. Repeat. Stay strong.

She can insist all she wants but why do you have to accommodate.

I’m someone who struggles to say no so I get it, and my mum is similar. But since having my own DC they’ve been the perfect excuse for anything. Just say no, that doesn’t work for you.

I can't invite both her and my mum to the zoo, we'd be massively squashed in the car, and also.. I don't want to! We do days out with her mum and my mum nearly every weekend, we really do make a huge effort and give a lot of time to our mums. But this day I want just for us.

I'm mindful to not end up where she's getting special treatment over my mum (e.g. invited to the zoo when my mum isn't) just because of this insistence.

I think that ultimately these things should be fun and pleasant occasions. I'd would be tempted to try and find a way to kindly but firmly tell MIL that her on the day demands are sucking the joy out of these events. You do sincerely want to share the joy with her but that this isn't helping anyone.

Also beware of rigid alternation. That can also turn into a fun suck.

I would tell her she is welcome to come to the zoo. I assume she can’t or won’t. But that’s what you’re doing on that day so she’ll have to lump it.
Whoops you have answered this above

No, YANBU, and she's a fucking nightmare. What is this shite about 'needing' your DS to accompany DH to the airport to meet her? Does she think she's a visiting dignitary?
But, of course, it's your DH who needs to sort this out.