AIBU to want firmer boundaries about seeing MIL on birthdays / Christmas?

[carkey26]

My MIL is a really lovely woman but she has this thing of insisting we see her on specific special days: DS' birthday, mother's day, Christmas Day etc.
And there's no compromise at all, it has to be ON THE DAY, not the day after or next weekend. If it's not on the day she gets really upset.

DH feels we just need to accommodate this but I think we need to set better boundaries. I'm keen to get an outside perspective on what's a reasonable compromise here. MIL obviously feels she's compromising because she says "you only need to see me for a few hours, not the full day" but to me that's not really a compromise.

Examples..

Mother's Day - We had to reschedule my first Mother's Day to a different day

Christmas Day - We planned to spend the day with my family but I said we could see MIL (and DH's family) all day Christmas Eve / Boxing Day / any day they chose! But she was insistent we came to hers for part of Christmas day. I offered an hour or two in the morning or evening. She insisted both and much longer than 1-2 hours. We ended up getting there for 8am(!), going to my family in the middle of the day, returning to MIL's in the late afternoon and then going home so spending about a third of the day in the car. DH admitted it had been far too much when we were on our way home.

The just random things like she was adamant she needed DS to come to the airport with DH when she came back from holiday. I had had something arranged on that day for months with my family, several of whom were traveling really far to us, and she wanted us to cut it short so DS could go to the airport. In her mind that was a fair compromise, whereas I was firmly of the mindset of no, it's not happening at all, we can't accommodate it.

Now that DS' first birthday is coming up in November and then we have the second Christmas, it's already starting again! We want to take DS on a really big day out on his actual birthday to the Zoo which will already be quite an undertaking and she's starting with "As long as I get to see him for at least part of the day.."

I don't want to be mean. Ungrateful. Fall out with anyone. But to me this isn't fair or sustainable. Compromise would look like 'we'll see you the day after' or 'we'll spend Christmas Day with you next year' not us cramming in as much as possible just to accommodate it all happening on the specific day!

AIBU to want to set stricter boundaries..?

As PP have said, your husband needs to step up. Make plans on what you're doing, tell DH that he needs to let his mum know. If he doesn't, when she says what time are you coming to me, just say, "oh hasn't Paul told you, we're doing blah blah blah" then wait to see what happens, she may try and re-arrange your plans there and then, just say sorry no that's our plans but we can accommodate xyz. Once she knows you're not going to back down she won't do it anymore, she will probably nag at your husband behind closed doors, but that's a him problem! He needs to grow a backbone, your own little family is his priority and ultimately, it's not fair to your extended family.

You have to point out his wife and child are losing out and so are your parents, prioritising his mum is deprioritising everyone else. Deprioritising his son on his 1st birthday is not good parenting and you say I will be taking ds on the zoo trip as planned and making his birthday about him, he will have a better day going with just me than he will with both of us and also going to your mums and being exhausted, so you choose deprioritising your son on his 1st birthday and going to your mums solo because she’s upset or coming with us.

She’s sounds dreadful and very selfish. Take it from me, set boundaries now, otherwise you will have a whole lifetime of this narcissistic behaviour ahead of you. She sounds very entitled. You must be exhausted playing to her tune all the time.

The issue is 'she insists' and you guys do as you are told. Shouldn't been stopped at the beginning. Sorry! But it's not too late to set better boundaries.

Your husband has to stop this too. You are the family he chose to have, he needs to take your needs and feelings into account.

You've been gar to accommodating that now its just an expectation you will fall in with what she says. It needs nipping now before it gets worse.

She needs to understand you want time just you, DH and DC and also, you are allowed to spend time with your family. It might not always feel fair to her but it is what it is.

he could have an open conversation with her - Mum you've made it clear that spending time on the actual day is really important to you. The challenge is that it's not always going to be possible. I worry that you are equating spending time on the day with proof that we love you, and the two arent the same thing. We love you, there is no doubt about that. and we dont want this obsession with the day itself getting in the way of us spending quality time with you to celebrate milestones.

that sort of thing. foes your DH have any idea why she is like this? i there history of her feeling excluded by other relatives?

Your DH didn’t learn to be a mummies boy from nowhere! It’s been ingrained into him that his mothers wishes take priority above all else, so it will be up to you to instil boundaries with the MIL. She sounds self absorbed and selfish.
DH needs to learn to switch his loyalty to you and your little family’s best interests above his mother’s demands now.

I don't understand why someone outside your household is dictating anything to you.

You didn't spend your own Mother's day how you wanted to?? Your partner is over 18 - an adult. He doesn't have to see his mother on that day. Meanwhile, you have a baby (I assume) and you were expected to prioritise her?? I wouldn't even reply to someone like that.

Tell her your plans and any objections: just reply to say you're happy with your plans and looking forward to seeing her another day. Then mute until after the birthday.

Next Christmas: spend it at home, just you and your immediate family. Visit both extended families on different days so she can't complain about favouritism.

Surely this year is Xmas at home ?fairer on a dc who will wnat to play with his gifts not dragged around placating a grown woman ?

This

This sounds like my idea of hell although from your earlier comments it appears you pretty much welcomed it in the early stages.

A life without independence is no life, it’s an existence.

Is she depressed or dreadfully anxious or something? Is your husband the only child? She sounds like hard work.

Unfortunately (for her) she really needs to accept as is incredibly normal in a lot of families once kids leave home and start their own families, that Christmases alternate, or you (OP) could host and everyone comes to you.

Some days, can she not join you on your activities? Can she come to the zoo with you, is there some reason she can't come to your home on these special days? Mothers day is a bit pointless when your child is a baby as they can't do anything for you, that could be a compromise that mothers day you go to her, but grandsons birthday she joins you on your thing?

That just feels like I'm punishing myself tbh.

Rather than spending the day with my family and eating delicious food cooked by someone else. I'm at home every year with DH and DS but without my wider family, cooking...

See I don’t get this at all. There’d be no bargaining, it’s just no, we’re busy that day. While also being fair and spending some special occasions with her. But then that’s because I’m on the same page with my DP, and I wouldn’t let my DM insist on anything we weren’t comfortable with

Not sure how I welcomed it?

The first instance of this was Christmas and I pushed back and argued with DH about it from the start, same with mother's day a few months later. I didn't relent with the airport time.

It sounds like she's lives near enough that you could stick to a tradition of seeing her in the evening for her birthday, although this might have to be a short visit once homework/extra curricular activities kick in.

Perhaps she could have the option of either sharing the other actual days (eg Mothering Sunday/ Christmas / Easter every 2nd or 3rd year) or having every year, but on the Eve or the 'Boxing day' of each occasion.

Then she can have her own traditions with grandchild/ren for Birthday Eves and Christmas Eve and so on. Maybe she therefore gives them their first birthday present or first Easter egg every year. Then she's a key part of every celebration, but you get the actual days back.

Boundaries! My DH is the same with his family but is slowly getting better - MIL sulks but it is what it is. With DC birthdays, we do a family day out somewhere, just the four of us. Then I do a little birthday tea the day after/closest weekend for family. I got fed up of rushing around stressed catering to everyone and not getting to actually enjoy the day or spend quality time with my own DC! The same for Christmas, it’s probably fairest to alternate some years but i’d not be wasting my time travelling between multiple places in one day.

Been there, done that. Say no, and mean it. Do not get dragged into any kind of debate or discussion.

After an initial discussion with my DH, I also refused any further discussion with him. Just made sure it was fair so they had no come back to me.

So in this scenario I would state for DS's birthday we will have birthday tea on Saturday. All invited. We are busy on the day of DS's birthday.

And refuse to respond to anyone about it.

For us it worked out. Had a healthy relationship in the end.

Mind you, moving 400 miles away also helped...

I’m sorry but I think this is a DH issue.

Yes your MIL is entitled and ott but your DH doesn’t say no and over accommodates, he would rather inconvenience his own wife and kids then his mum.

Take your son to the zoo… don’t let your MIL make you feel like you need to spend the day accommodating to her.

Tell DH to sort this out

DH needs to go see her the morning of Mothers Day and you need to do what you want to do.

I think if you don’t start setting boundaries this will go on and on. I had a friend who had 2 Christmas dinners early in her marriage as she couldn’t stand up to either parent.
Driving around on Christmas Day is just unnecessary and takes the joy out of it. Start alternating.

Also cringes me that your DH allowed your first Mother’s Day to be moved to make room for his mum.

Can i ask OP, has your DH tried having a word with her AWAY from any of this occasions.
I think sometimes the message gets diluted and derailed when its being delivered as part of a discussion about a specific event. Having a conversation during a calm bit might help things (and easy to refer back to) - apologies if he has tried already!

You are going to need to get so good at saying “sorry that doesn’t work for us” “sorry that doesn’t work for our family” “thanks for the invite but we have decided to have Xmas (bdays, Mother’s Day ect) at home and won’t be traveling “

expect “you don’t love Me” ect and you respond with “we love you plenty, we still aren’t travelling, hope you see you for dinner soon”

note there was no justifying just “that doesn’t work/ we have decided”. I find it helps to remember “an invitation isn’t a summons”

So in the end what happened with the airport situation?

I think Mother’s Day fair enough, will you want to see your child when he is an adult on Mother’s Day? I think Mother’s Day if geographically possible should be shared between families. You could make the day easier by inviting both sets of parents to yours for afternoon tea. You would get the morning together alone as a little unit. Then zero travelling with a small child. Well that’s what I would do. If you live a great distance it gets more complicated obviously.

If you want to make Christmas fair then you rota in alternate years to each set of parents or preferably for me anyway have a 3 year rotation with your own household in the mix.