AIBU to want firmer boundaries about seeing MIL on birthdays / Christmas?

[carkey26]

My MIL is a really lovely woman but she has this thing of insisting we see her on specific special days: DS' birthday, mother's day, Christmas Day etc.
And there's no compromise at all, it has to be ON THE DAY, not the day after or next weekend. If it's not on the day she gets really upset.

DH feels we just need to accommodate this but I think we need to set better boundaries. I'm keen to get an outside perspective on what's a reasonable compromise here. MIL obviously feels she's compromising because she says "you only need to see me for a few hours, not the full day" but to me that's not really a compromise.

Examples..

Mother's Day - We had to reschedule my first Mother's Day to a different day

Christmas Day - We planned to spend the day with my family but I said we could see MIL (and DH's family) all day Christmas Eve / Boxing Day / any day they chose! But she was insistent we came to hers for part of Christmas day. I offered an hour or two in the morning or evening. She insisted both and much longer than 1-2 hours. We ended up getting there for 8am(!), going to my family in the middle of the day, returning to MIL's in the late afternoon and then going home so spending about a third of the day in the car. DH admitted it had been far too much when we were on our way home.

The just random things like she was adamant she needed DS to come to the airport with DH when she came back from holiday. I had had something arranged on that day for months with my family, several of whom were traveling really far to us, and she wanted us to cut it short so DS could go to the airport. In her mind that was a fair compromise, whereas I was firmly of the mindset of no, it's not happening at all, we can't accommodate it.

Now that DS' first birthday is coming up in November and then we have the second Christmas, it's already starting again! We want to take DS on a really big day out on his actual birthday to the Zoo which will already be quite an undertaking and she's starting with "As long as I get to see him for at least part of the day.."

I don't want to be mean. Ungrateful. Fall out with anyone. But to me this isn't fair or sustainable. Compromise would look like 'we'll see you the day after' or 'we'll spend Christmas Day with you next year' not us cramming in as much as possible just to accommodate it all happening on the specific day!

AIBU to want to set stricter boundaries..?

Can't you just tell her no? She can't physically force you to do anything.

Ignore any guilt-trippers, OP. Your MIL's expectations of things always having to happen on a certain day and on her own terms are unreasonable. Your mother matters, too, as does what works best for you, your husband, and your child. MIL will have to be more flexible. Your husband needs to toughen up and stand firm. Not seeing everyone 'on the day' every time doesn't mean she isn't loved. It's just part of life with adult children. She's being ridiculous to expect you to bend over backwards to accommodate her preferences.

Sorry she wanted YOUR BABY (less than 12 months old) to meet her at the airport when she was coming back from holidays?? That in particular is loopy!

you remind me of me the first two years after I had my first baby. I bent over backwards trying to please everyone making myself and our little family totally miserable.

You and DH need to be on the same page. He needs to deal with MIL direct, you deal with your family. Offering to give her Xmas Eve/Boxing day rather than spending Christmas day ferrying everyone around is more than fair. Let DH have that chat with her.

If you don't, this will break you and make you so miserable. It's only going to continue if no one makes a stand.

As others have said you need much better boundaries - of course your MIL is being completely unreasonable. I expect your husband realised a long time ago that resistance was futile but that was when he was a dependent child. He is now an adult with his own family and needs to back you, otherwise he is just buying a sort of fake peace with you and your family's concessions. I hope he doesn't make you the bad guy here as if so, there could be trouble ahead but I think you are faced with a choice between conceding to MIL every time and resentment building or deciding on a fair distribution of key dates and then stick to your guns! Either way there will probably be trouble ahead but you haven't caused that trouble so just ride it as best you can. You've got this!

This is potentially not a problem. Talk to her about what you can offer each year, rather than consult her about what she will tolerate. You and DH decide your household, mil decides about hers. You are currently allowing her to determine the rules and boundaries, but it’s your lives, and you are both adults.

Sweetie @carkey26 you say caring and close

from here it looks like people pleasing and they are close because he does what she wants him to

look at what happens if you resist? She has a fit.

when your baby is so small, now is the time to have the argument, set the boundaries so that in future when DS understands what’s going on, there’s no room for her manipulation

say no, that’s not what were planning to do, we’ll see you know x or y date as we’re busy on the day. Reminding her that YOU are a mother and yes you come first in your family is a very important boundary to set.

I think you're being very harsh on your MIL and should look at building her a granny annexe.....

Definitely one to nip in the bud, and now. If you allow her to dictate these things now, how is she going to react when your child starts school is not available on their actual birthday? And trust me, Christmas Day spent in the car with a screaming toddler who can’t understand why they can’t just play with the lovely new toys they’ve just opened is no fun.

And just because she can’t drive doesn’t mean she can’t travel. It sounds like she’s not that far from you if you can drive to hers, your mums and then back to hers again all in one day so she can either get a taxi or get someone else to give her a lift.

Jesus christ, I am exhausted just reading this! I actually cannot believe she made you go to her house twice in one day on Christmas!
Please nip this in the bud, Christmas this year you can pick her up and take her to your BIL if you must, then leave and go to your mums. BIL can drop her off and spend more time with her if he wants to.
Although I would be pushing for alternate family visits on actual Christmas..

To bury the mil under and have her mum move into? Fabulous idea love it 🥰

Are you and your DH on the same page regarding this matter?
What happens if you do decline a request from MIL?

Then why seek to put a wedge between them?

Why can't your husband spend time with his mother without you? Why do you have to be there?

Yes, it would be interesting to. There’s a chance she’s seeing it completely differently. There may be a lot more relevant information.

This is a bit tricky and I can understand your frustration.

However, once you have a child, it is normal to start to “host” Christmas and birthdays for them. Not saying this has to be done this year - but it will get to be too much for grandparents to cater and children will prefer being in their own home for Father Christmas once they get to this stage.

So I think you need a short-term approach and a longer term approach - the latter which likely involves you hosting.

OP you are so kind to that woman!

You don't have to ruin every Christmas and birthdays because of that woman. You are involving and including her a lot more than most would as it is.

"She gets upset if she doesn't get her way"? then let her get upset. She'll stop when she had enough of sulking.

I am petty, but if she is not happy with a very generous and reasonable Boxing day etc, I would book an entire week away and she wouldn't see any of us for the whole Christmas week. You can't end up in a situation where you are not allowed to book any holiday or any outing and event on the days SHE choose.

She should be grateful she has a DIL who is so kind with her.

I hope you told her to fuck off!

Do all the siblings march to her tune or is it just your husband?

Can you start with Christmas and say we spent most of the time in the car so this year you come to us.

Same with the birthday- you are going out so if she wants to see the kids she has to come with.

Mother’s Day is your day now.

My MIL is exactly the same. Sometimes I just have to be the bad guy! I empathise! Luckily my parents are very independent, don't keep score and don't celebrate Christmas. MIL will even want to see me on my birthday. I go out with my DS on Mothers Day and leave my DS running around after her. I don't have any pearls of wisdom except make peace with being the bad guy sometimes...

Whatever the reasons or insecurities behind this behaviour, your mil is trying to control you and that is not acceptable at all.

She will have to learn to share the occasions.

You sound like a very reasonable and caring woman btw.

Eta: Your dh ought to talk to his mum in a straightforward way about all of this. She's being selfish and she's his mum to iron out.

So according to you, the OP has to listen to people like you but you don't have to listen to anyone? I'm another who thinks you're completely wrong, you're obviously another pushy mother/grandmother.

I think you're wrong as well @AlwayAnxious.
I think the OP sounds lovely. Very fair and concerned about the feelings of everyone she has to consider.

I agree with you OP, firmer boundaries are needed. It's not fair on your family, if every special occasion, your MIL has to be involved. You have a son, and going house to house on Christmas Day won't be an option. As he gets older, he'll want to play with his toys at home! Mother's Day is special for you now, not just your MIL! You are entitled as a family to spend special occasions as you see fit.

Your MIL is being unreasonable and unrealistic in her expectations. Your husband needs to start setting boundaries with his Mum...if he doesn't, then this charade will only get worse.

I think you could be even firmer, alternating Christmas and Boxing days with each family. I didn't with mine and I have few memories of really lovely Christmases with my son. Whether we had a good Christmas largely depended on my parents mood and things had to be done according to their traditions. The more I did more and more it became the expectation and they refused to call on my other siblings, as we had the only grandchild.

It also gets harder as parents become more elderly, much as I love mine. This year I have finally put some boundaries in place, but whether I shall wobble, is another matter.