AIBU to want firmer boundaries about seeing MIL on birthdays / Christmas?

[carkey26]

My MIL is a really lovely woman but she has this thing of insisting we see her on specific special days: DS' birthday, mother's day, Christmas Day etc.
And there's no compromise at all, it has to be ON THE DAY, not the day after or next weekend. If it's not on the day she gets really upset.

DH feels we just need to accommodate this but I think we need to set better boundaries. I'm keen to get an outside perspective on what's a reasonable compromise here. MIL obviously feels she's compromising because she says "you only need to see me for a few hours, not the full day" but to me that's not really a compromise.

Examples..

Mother's Day - We had to reschedule my first Mother's Day to a different day

Christmas Day - We planned to spend the day with my family but I said we could see MIL (and DH's family) all day Christmas Eve / Boxing Day / any day they chose! But she was insistent we came to hers for part of Christmas day. I offered an hour or two in the morning or evening. She insisted both and much longer than 1-2 hours. We ended up getting there for 8am(!), going to my family in the middle of the day, returning to MIL's in the late afternoon and then going home so spending about a third of the day in the car. DH admitted it had been far too much when we were on our way home.

The just random things like she was adamant she needed DS to come to the airport with DH when she came back from holiday. I had had something arranged on that day for months with my family, several of whom were traveling really far to us, and she wanted us to cut it short so DS could go to the airport. In her mind that was a fair compromise, whereas I was firmly of the mindset of no, it's not happening at all, we can't accommodate it.

Now that DS' first birthday is coming up in November and then we have the second Christmas, it's already starting again! We want to take DS on a really big day out on his actual birthday to the Zoo which will already be quite an undertaking and she's starting with "As long as I get to see him for at least part of the day.."

I don't want to be mean. Ungrateful. Fall out with anyone. But to me this isn't fair or sustainable. Compromise would look like 'we'll see you the day after' or 'we'll spend Christmas Day with you next year' not us cramming in as much as possible just to accommodate it all happening on the specific day!

AIBU to want to set stricter boundaries..?

seems to me you have a DH problem

the Very values you admire in him are the issue here.
he is already prioritising his DM over you, probably without realising as it’s all he’s ever done. It is easier for him to disappoint you than to disappoint her. You do need to deal with this now before it becomes the status quo and so much harder to break.
it really isn’t reasonable to want to be there on the day for everything. This will be best coming from DH rather than from you though I suspect she may blame you anyway.

Mother’s Day is absolutely not “fair enough”! Especially not a first Mother’s Day.

The mother of a child who is actually a child should take priority and decide how she wants to spend it.

I'm seeing bends over backwards to keep his mum happy but I'm not seeing the caring about others in his treatment of you and your family.

I agree with other posters- ‘sorry we have plans for DD’ birthday but we’d love to see you for the birthday tea on x date’
stand strong OP, YANBU.

Say no. Be prepared to be the one to tell her (because clearly her son can't do it).

Our family has different traditions to yours. Sometimes we can fit in with you, but at other times, we have other things planned. For DS's birthday, we have other arrangements. But we can do cake and candles with you on Sunday/next day if you would like to see us?

And when she winges and whines, say, 'Oh, that's a shame, DS would have loved to see you Sunday. Let us know when else might work.'

Omg the airport situation was so frustrating. Because we did stand strong. I got DH to tell her no, not happening. Then there was a medical emergency with my own family so DH ended up having to take DS with him anyway so she got what she wanted after all just by freak circumstances!

What she's really saying is, 'I don't mind what you do, so long as you do what I want'. It's easy to be lovely when things are always going your way, because no one wants to upset you.

It's time for MIL to get used to the reality that her son's life and by extension, his family's life, no longer revolves around her. She is allowed to have feelings about this. But her having feelings about it, and not liking it, doesn't mean things will change back to the default setting of doing whatever Mum wants because otherwise she'll be mad, and it's uncomfortable when she's mad.

Therefore, rather than waiting for DH's balls to drop in this instance, I'd be telling her and DH what is going to happen. E.g. we are having a big day out to the zoo on DS's actual birthday, so we won't be visiting you that day, would you prefer the Saturday before, or the Saturday after, or is there some other day that suits you (not his birthday)? And then she's most probably going to have feelings and a reaction to this. This is fine. This is okay. Adjustment is hard, when it is adjusting away from having everything always happening just as you like it. Reassure her that your family are having to make the same adjustments, it's nothing personal. And it gets easier for everybody with practise. . .

8am on Christmas morning dragging the kids away from their presents? You have to be joking. I think you should stick to your compromises and let MIL be upset if she chooses. It’s not like you’re refusing to see her.

You have your own family now, time to start new routines.
Mother's day especially should be for the person with the youngest child- you. You can celebrate MD with your mum and mil another day. She does like it, tough.
Same with any special occasions, you don't have to pander to her wants every time.

I’m a MIL as is my sister. Our kids take it in turns and alternate Christmas Day/Boxing Day with us all and their in laws every year. Works fine. No one has a strop. If they can’t make an occasion, then they can’t make it. They’re building their own lives, arrangements and traditions. We love them all too much to push them away by making demands

You need to do alternate christmases, one year your family and the next year his family.

We were trying to make everyone happy by driving here there and everywhere but honestly when my DD was 4 we stayed home and she loved it, got to play with all her presents etc, last year we went his family but I’m planning to stay home this year ( 9 month baby at the time ) and I’ve said people can come to us on the day.

it’s so much for them to open all there presents to just leave them to make everyone else happy

The Mother's Day wouldn't bother me. Could you not celebrate together by going out for a meal?

Christmas - I would do alternate years, one year Christmas Day with your family the following one with DH's family.

Birthdays - Just be firm if you can't see her on the actual day of your child's birthday.

I suppose it depends on how often you see your family, I do think that PILs sometimes get a raw deal.

I completely see your point on everything else, but I think you have to accept that it's not completely unreasonable of your MIL to be a bit hurt if you plan on seeing your family on Christmas day, but not hers.

Agree - this is a DP problem because he is not willing to speak to him mum. Alternate years (or every 3rd year) for Christmas and Mother’s Day is fair, and seeing her on her birthday IF it works with family/work calendars is also reasonable, but she shouldn’t get to dictate anything else.

Why don’t you just invite your parents and your in laws to come round to you for Christmas Day and children’s birthdays? And for Mother’s Day, you visit your mum and your husband visits his mum? Both sets of our parents were divorced so we had four parents to contend with, which made times like Christmas really difficult in terms of who we spent which day with, so we invited them all together and it worked quite well. In later years when our fathers had died, we always made sure the mothers were invited to special events like children’s birthdays together. I do have to agree with your mother in law that special days lose much of their meaning if you can’t be involved on the actual day.

How we did it when we were children, Christmas Eve maternal Grandma, Christmas Day just us, at home, no visitors, bliss. Boxing Day paternal Grandma mainly, and I quote, to stop her ruining Christmas because she was a misery.

How that occured, either you see us on those days or we don't come to see you. We lived about an hour away from both in opposite directions.

I would be telling your MIL straight that she does not get to dictate everything and if she insists on being like this then you don't want to see her. She is spoiling things for you. Sadly the truth is that you might only get 18 Christmases with your child if they meet someone at uni and want to spend Christmas with them, as an adult they get to decide, so looking at it like that, get the Christmas you want.

I move Mother's Day as my child isn't back from uni until the week later and going forward as a potential MIL I know that my son will be trying to accommodate his wife and her Mother too.

I don't expect to see my family more than DH's family on Christmas Day though.

What I actually expect is to alternate between going to one family during the day for dinner and the other family for an hour or two in the evening. That's already a lot but just about manageable as we all live in the same region.

But last year, MIL expected us to literally go Home → Hers → My mums → MILs → Home.

And then this year as MIL isn't hosting their family at hers, it's DH's brother hosting, she wants us to go..
Home → Hers → DH's brother (this isn't near her or us!) → Back to Hers → Then finally call in at My mum's → Home.

Because apparently just seeing us at DH's brother's isn't enough, we HAVE to also go to hers in the morning for presents, and back again afterwards.

It's way too much. Its unreasonable.

@carkey26 "BUT one of the reasons I fell in love with DH was because of how caring he was about others and how close he was to his family. I know this reluctance to upset his mum comes from that place, and I do appreciate that."

It's not caring, it's cowardice. He's taking the line of least resistance. Men often do, especially with their mothers. He's trying to please everyone because at face value it looks easier, but in fact he's badly letting down his own wife and child. The Christmas day fiasco was insane. When your son is a bit older he isn't going to want to spend Christmas Day basically in the car, so your DH will have to rethink his "caring" nature then won't he!

This is a DH problem.

MIL has to accept she doesn’t call the shots, and DH has to be able to handle the fact she will be angry at not being able to bully and steamroller you into bending to her will.

It's not big enough at ours to host these things as I have a mum and grandparents and DH has a mum and lots of siblings.

Plus MIL doesn't drive so we need to pick her up and drop her off or go to her which adds a lot of time on.

What did u say to her proposition?.What did the DH say? You child will be absolutely knackered.

The idea of living your adult and family life completely dictated to by your husbands mother is just madness.

Have a row if necessary.
Put your foot down.
Tell your husband you won't tolerate this.

Otherwise this is your life.
I would tell my husband what was happening and tell him you will not be dictated too.

She doesn't care about anyone else except what she wants.
You need to care less too.

Keep saying No, we will decide all our family days and traditions.

Struggling to see how your husband is so caring to be honest.
He seems perfectly happy to let you down and not put your preferences first.
He doesn't seem particularly caring to anyone else apart from his mother

I'd be mortified if my son ever treated his wife like this and thought it was caring and kind!

Your husband isn’t caring, he’s choosing the path of least resistance. You.