AIBU to want firmer boundaries about seeing MIL on birthdays / Christmas?

[carkey26]

My MIL is a really lovely woman but she has this thing of insisting we see her on specific special days: DS' birthday, mother's day, Christmas Day etc.
And there's no compromise at all, it has to be ON THE DAY, not the day after or next weekend. If it's not on the day she gets really upset.

DH feels we just need to accommodate this but I think we need to set better boundaries. I'm keen to get an outside perspective on what's a reasonable compromise here. MIL obviously feels she's compromising because she says "you only need to see me for a few hours, not the full day" but to me that's not really a compromise.

Examples..

Mother's Day - We had to reschedule my first Mother's Day to a different day

Christmas Day - We planned to spend the day with my family but I said we could see MIL (and DH's family) all day Christmas Eve / Boxing Day / any day they chose! But she was insistent we came to hers for part of Christmas day. I offered an hour or two in the morning or evening. She insisted both and much longer than 1-2 hours. We ended up getting there for 8am(!), going to my family in the middle of the day, returning to MIL's in the late afternoon and then going home so spending about a third of the day in the car. DH admitted it had been far too much when we were on our way home.

The just random things like she was adamant she needed DS to come to the airport with DH when she came back from holiday. I had had something arranged on that day for months with my family, several of whom were traveling really far to us, and she wanted us to cut it short so DS could go to the airport. In her mind that was a fair compromise, whereas I was firmly of the mindset of no, it's not happening at all, we can't accommodate it.

Now that DS' first birthday is coming up in November and then we have the second Christmas, it's already starting again! We want to take DS on a really big day out on his actual birthday to the Zoo which will already be quite an undertaking and she's starting with "As long as I get to see him for at least part of the day.."

I don't want to be mean. Ungrateful. Fall out with anyone. But to me this isn't fair or sustainable. Compromise would look like 'we'll see you the day after' or 'we'll spend Christmas Day with you next year' not us cramming in as much as possible just to accommodate it all happening on the specific day!

AIBU to want to set stricter boundaries..?

Did you read a single word?! 😂😂😂

Has MIL got all of her children dancing to her tune? Do they all really want to be attending a one year old’s party or is everyone doing what she wants to keep her happy?

If she’s requiring them to all attend all ‘special occasions’ then perhaps a bigger conversation is needed. Surely this won’t be sustainable if a) there’s several of them and b) they have families/spouses of their own who won’t always want to operate according to her timetable…

Just refuse to do it

Tell your husband he backs you or moves back in with mommy

You will not live your life putting his mommy first

I was just thinking this. I would simply say no and let DH deal with the fall out. My first child and I'm dealing with all this BS, I don't think so.

Cake on the day with DGM: Noooooo never. DC's birthday always just you and DH until birthday parties with their friends.

What was the outcome going to be?

I'm struggling with the same issue but my family aren't close so we don't get together on Christmas Day, so its assumed we'll always be with my husbands family every year. I feel a bit like an add on, and now I have a baby I want to make a change.

@carkey26

All sounds exhausting and frustrating to me. And in the end no one is getting what they really want, are they?

So, it's up to you and DH to set the boundaries and then 'announce' them to MiL and your mum (who sounds like she doesn't really need an 'announcement')

As far as Xmas I was very lucky in that everyone was 'local', no one was demanding, everyone got along, and DH's family always did Xmas on Xmas Eve, my family on Xmas Day.

So ours was Xmas Eve evening-DH's family, Xmas Morning-DH, me and kids at our home, Xmas late afternoon-my family. You could do the same but then swap Xmas Eve and Xmas Day afternoon yearly between each of your mums. If that won't work for MiL then I'd probably suggest a 3 way rota; your 'little family' at home, next year MiL's, the year after that your mum's. Being that it means that your MiL would only see your little family once every 3 years 'on the day', she may be more amenable to the REAL rota, one year hers, next year your mum's. And NO 'flying visits' on her 'off years'.

Mother's Day should be 'yours'. Perhaps you and DH could visit your mums in the afternoon or evening and alternate years taking DS.

DS's birthday is 'yours' to celebrate whenever and wherever you choose to. Visits to grandparents or having to see/celebrate on DS's actual BD is OTT. We held parties on the weekends. If the actual birthday was during the week they got a cupcake with a candle at supper and a "Won't we (or "Didn't we") have fun on the weekend!".

then make it.

Your MIL is a control freak who is clearly used to getting her own way. You need to say no when it doesn’t work for you. Your child’s birthday? “These are our arrangements, rake it or leave it”. Christmas? Unless she plans to kidnap the lot of you, the same applies. Same
with Mother’s Day. The world does not revolve around her, and if she continues being this demanding I would tell her this.

Husband has just agreed now our baby is older the default will be at home :)

yay

I agree your MIL is just excited to be a granny and doesn't want to miss out on anything. Given time the excitement will wear off and she will act differently.

What she wants is for us to rush through the zoo so that she can also see him for an hour or so on his actual birthday.

Do you mean you would go to the zoo then go to her house, before going home? That is the part you need to knock on the head, it's completely unnecessary.

FWIW we are one of those families who do a little celebration on the day, we would only do the weekend if it was a big party, or class party, but most of my family are local and will absolutely sort their own transport issues out, we don't run around for anyone.. they are welcome at ours at any time but we absolutely do not ferry people around.

You need to stop with the "MIL will have to travel 2 hours plus on public transport" rubbish, you sound just like her and it's not your problem, surely she could get a taxi if it was as crucially important as she says it is! If she MUST see him on his birthday then she would put the effort in to see him, if not, it's the weekend then.

How often does she do childcare and how does it work?

Have you told your dh this isn’t happening, and if he wants to do the zoo quickly and rush home to see his mum he will need to get himself home, because it’s ds birthday not his mums and you’re taking him to the zoo to have a wonderful time? And if he starts saying it’s the least we can do you interrupt and say the LEAST you can do is prioritise your child on his 1st birthday, and the LEAST you can do is remember that your wife who cares for him every day matters too. I’ve told you what ds and I are doing on his birthday, it’s the LEAST you can do as his dad to come along with us and NOT rush us through to please other people.

Re Christmas- simplest way to do it is to alternate years between in-laws and your own family. My parents and aunts and uncles did this growing up, now I do this with my husband too and my siblings are the same with their partners. Driving between two places on the day sounds exhausting and just asking for drama, especially with child in tow, and you barely get any quality time together anyway if you’re only in one place for half a day.

I think setting boundaries with Christmas is a good place to start. Arrangements naturally change especially when you have a kid and she needs to understand that. She does seem super demanding. Mother’s Day is a tricky one. Can your husband host a Mother’s Day brunch maybe for all mums including yours? DS birthday also a bit much, I’d start drawing a line there too.

This is only what we've all said. You were saying he isn't a bad person but being more willing to upset his wife than his mum makes him a shitty husband.

I think you are getting some unfair stuck here OP. In what world is it acceptable that a few weeks postpartum on any given day that you should wake up early, get baby ready, get in the car drive to MILs, then drive to your mum's then drive back to mils when it's not just a 10 mins drive each way. It is absolutely acceptable to set boundaries. It is acceptable to say no we are not coming back to you. It is acceptable to say to both your mum and nil we are having Christmas day together and we will have you both on boxing day. It is acceptable to say both if you come to us. If you don't set the boundary now you little one is never going to get to play with their toys on Christmas day as they will be being carted from one place to another. It's also acceptable to say I'm taking dear child to the zoo on their birthday and you can come over for cake in the evening. Good luck OP. Not entirely clear why MILs feelings should trump everyone else's or why she should get to dictate what you or your child do for the rest of her life x

Especially when you’ve been doing the main share of looking after a baby and just want to be able to enjoy some of the first celebrations with your baby.