AIBU to want firmer boundaries about seeing MIL on birthdays / Christmas?

[carkey26]

My MIL is a really lovely woman but she has this thing of insisting we see her on specific special days: DS' birthday, mother's day, Christmas Day etc.
And there's no compromise at all, it has to be ON THE DAY, not the day after or next weekend. If it's not on the day she gets really upset.

DH feels we just need to accommodate this but I think we need to set better boundaries. I'm keen to get an outside perspective on what's a reasonable compromise here. MIL obviously feels she's compromising because she says "you only need to see me for a few hours, not the full day" but to me that's not really a compromise.

Examples..

Mother's Day - We had to reschedule my first Mother's Day to a different day

Christmas Day - We planned to spend the day with my family but I said we could see MIL (and DH's family) all day Christmas Eve / Boxing Day / any day they chose! But she was insistent we came to hers for part of Christmas day. I offered an hour or two in the morning or evening. She insisted both and much longer than 1-2 hours. We ended up getting there for 8am(!), going to my family in the middle of the day, returning to MIL's in the late afternoon and then going home so spending about a third of the day in the car. DH admitted it had been far too much when we were on our way home.

The just random things like she was adamant she needed DS to come to the airport with DH when she came back from holiday. I had had something arranged on that day for months with my family, several of whom were traveling really far to us, and she wanted us to cut it short so DS could go to the airport. In her mind that was a fair compromise, whereas I was firmly of the mindset of no, it's not happening at all, we can't accommodate it.

Now that DS' first birthday is coming up in November and then we have the second Christmas, it's already starting again! We want to take DS on a really big day out on his actual birthday to the Zoo which will already be quite an undertaking and she's starting with "As long as I get to see him for at least part of the day.."

I don't want to be mean. Ungrateful. Fall out with anyone. But to me this isn't fair or sustainable. Compromise would look like 'we'll see you the day after' or 'we'll spend Christmas Day with you next year' not us cramming in as much as possible just to accommodate it all happening on the specific day!

AIBU to want to set stricter boundaries..?

So many pp struggling to comprehend, mn is exasperating at times.
Your mil would hate what we did, right from the beginning before children we spent Christmas eve at in-laws and boxing day with my parents. After kids we visited every weekend anyway because people did that then. Unfortunately all parents had passed by the time our eldest was 12.
It's your life op you have to put your foot down with your DH he seems to be the sticking point. I don't think we ever saw parents on actual birthdays unless it was a weekend.

I offered my opinion. The OP asked what others do.

What do you do?

@carkey26 my experience is completely different. What you would like is what's the norm, for everyone know. Celebration with family/friends on a day that suits, Birthday outing when it suits the parents and child. There was a thread on here about a GM throwing a hissy fit because there was only quick cake on offer, for a 18th birthday. I want my grandchildren to experience everything out there. My GD asked for a plane ride for her 4th birthday. I have her younger sibling and from 4-11, she did a city break. She had the Friday or Monday off school. It was Christmas panto day, so nothing missed.
As a grandmother I'm conscious that I'm coming to the end of the soft play etc years. This is your one shot at each birthday. He'll only have Christmas at the age he is, once. The travelling you did was insane. This needs to stop. The 1st birthday is partly about you, it should be, as you say, about you three. Then it becomes about the child. Can you book to go away for Easter, so the routine is broken? The random buying as your child grows will become tedious. Much better to gave pocket money, panto/experience tickets. I'm my DD's childcare and our Christ Eve, panto visit, because my DD is working is part of their gift. Boxing day my DD goes to a indoor fair with them. We each have our traditions. If your DH is keeping score, then it needs to stop. It isn't pay-per-view.

So why is he tired? You've took the day off nursery?

The travel is the same for the MIL whichever day you choose surely. And that's THEIR choice if it's worth it or not.

Whilst it’s ultimately down to your DH to stop this nonsense, you must shoulder some of the responsibility for this crazy circus continuing too!
You don’t have to do anything that she says!!! She isn’t holding a gun to your head for goodness sake.
Just start saying no and saying what you are willing to do. Jeez.

I think there is something in this. in pushing back this year.

I think it needs a sit down chat with your DH explaining things to him from your point of view and really making him listen and understand. At the moment he's not used to seeing the situation from all viewpoints.

1. that this is your new family unit and your DS needs come first ( he will of course say he understands that) but its more about pointing out that running here and there and back again on Xmas day is not doing that. He realised it at the time, its whether he can weigh it up against the fear up "upsetting" her or acknowledge that it is neither practical or enjoyable.
2. Assuring him that his DM will get her turn, but his own family has expanded to include DS and You and your extended family and that now EVERYONE has to take their turn, but your family unit's needs are a priority.
3. that what happened last year was unfair. That you are absolutely resolved that your DM will not be alone this Xmas and that she has as much of a share as his DM.
4. That giving in every time his mum makes a demand, for fear of upsetting her is not sustainable. You both have to think about how to fit in the many people in your lives fairly. So always agreeing to comply with her wants for fear of her being upset is not rational, in fact it is holding a threat that she will be upset or angry over your heads, even though you are adults. She may not LIKE having to adapt but she cannot argue that you are not attempting to accommodate her.

@carkey26 I really really wish I'd had these conversations for things exactly like this, early on. I'd been brought up to "respect your elders! Obey." and didn't see it. I still think back and resent the pressure it caused.

If you are confident that you are being reasonable, it helps if your DH could say "this is our plan, its fair and it works". if not, then it's OK to be the Bad Guy, the one standing firm. They all get over it and hopefully wake up and realise that it's actually OK, that you organised things in a way that works for everyone. Good luck x

edited to add. There's no way I'd be going to DH brothers and mils.

God almighty such nitpicking. Op wants a birthday with her son where she doesn't have to stick to a timetable to keep grandma happy. I wouldn't be rushing back from a day out so mil can say she watched grandson blow a candle out.

You're doing nothing wrong OP. Getting some very odd comments on here.

It makes much more sense to do a family birthday celebration on the weekend and have a lovely little day out just the 3 of you on the birthday itself. That isn't being mean.

Also it makes much more sense to alternate Christmas days than to try to fit everyone in on one day, that's no fun. You need downtime on Christmas day for the little one to play with their toys/enjoy the day rather than being in a car the whole time!

Invite her to accompany you to the zoo and walk her feet off! She .ifhtnot e so kee to see you'on the day' next time.
Or you could say that she can call I atyour house for an hour before you set off the visit your own parents. She isn't just insisting on seeing your family 'on the day' but that you travel to her house.

You certainly need stronger boundaries but appearing to acquiesce whilst making it very difficult for her would be my tip. Behaviour modification technique! Then she thinks it's her choice not to see you.

This absolutely.

Forget DH's attempts.
Say to her that these arrangements are no longer practical, or sustainable.
YOU take charge and tell her yourself, and YOU tell her that she no longer dictates, but YOU do.
Then tell her how loved she is, and she will always be a big part of your family.
Job done.

Mumsnet is completely bonkers, OP. You sound like you are happy to accommodate everyone but you need to do it on your terms or you are going to be frazzled. You’re the one with the baby!

just invite them to the b’day party on the nearest available weekend day when you have time to enjoy it. Until DS is three or four they won’t have a concept of the day. As they grow older do presents and cake on the day itself with immediate household and anyone who can pop in without a fuss. Birthday celebrations with wider family on the weekend. If you don’t want to be doing two cakes, do birthday cake with wider family and set up some special little tradition on the day itself for just your family. But basically if it doesn’t work for you, it won’t work for anyone. Don’t let DH call the shots on this. Just explain what is going to work for you and DS. Set the precedent now. Your DS is not a device to make MIL feel special on her “special” days. While clearly everyone wants MIL to feel special, it can’t be your and DS’s responsibility to do this.

The OP asked if others do a cake on the actual birthday. I said I did.
The OP said she did the cake at the weekend and took the day off to take him out on the birthday. I suggested swapping. Day out at weekend, cake on birthday with whoever could make it.

OP ignored the swapping and said he would be tired on his birthday due to nursery completely ignoring the suggestion of swapping.

I'm offered an alternative to swap the day, which answered the OPs question.

Its fine if you wouldn't, I would.

We can have different opinions and share them without being pissed off with each other. It's a chat forum. It's what it's here for.

Because I can’t take the day off every year!

Look, this is a pointless derail because MIL doesn’t actually want the party tea on his birthday. She wants it at the weekend when all her children are off work and can join and we can do a big thing for him.

What she wants is for us to rush through the zoo so that she can also see him for an hour or so on his actual birthday.

Your son as he grows up won’t want Christmas and celebrations as battles, he deserves happy parents and no fighting over who is owed this day or that. I can’t imagine he will moan about two birthday celebrations a year! Nor will he feel resentment over spending separate days with family members rather than one day of cramming everything in. Your not asking for anything unreasonable like expecting mil to forgoe Christmas Day without her other children so she can celebrate with just the three of you at your house. She also has to realise that your mum has no other children other than you and recently widowed so her needs are greater and life is unfair sometimes and you just have to suck it up.

So that’s a no then!

My babies first birthday was a couple of months ago we did a farm just my family unit and my son loved it we was home by 5 and all other family came round to sing happy birthday and watch him blow his candles out, he of course didn’t his big sister did but everyone got to be there to sing to him and have cake. We set a phone up on a tripod behind the cake to record everyone so he can see when he’s older.
We also spilt christmases last year we did partners family for dinner then mine after this year we’re doing my family for dinner then his after. Neither me or my partner see our mums on Mother’s Day we FaceTime and do something on the Saturday, we took his mum out for dinner on the Friday. Mother’s Day is celebrating me and my children, when their grown I don’t want them prioritising me I want them to be celebrated by their kids on their day.
She needs to learn comprise and that every big event doesn’t revolve around her needs and hers only. In regards to Christmas this year I’d do the same as last year in reverse go see your mum then quick dinner at mils then back to your mums because that’s what happened last year so that must be fair. Yours mil is taking liberties and your husband is too tbh he needs reminding that you also have wants and needs that deserve to be fulfilled.

Christ you can spot the mils on this thread, the woman did see her son and grandson on Christmas Day, for over an hour more than the other grandma. You know the one whos turn it was to have Christmas, the one that was spending her first Christmas without her husband. Mil also managed to derail this ops first Mother’s Day because she had to be in. The woman’s take take take with no consideration for anyone else.

no kids here but my late husband was in the merchant navy and I used to travel with him. Mostly we were on a ship at christmas and the ship worked as though it was a normal day. Right from when we got married we set up that as we were so rarely in our own home for christmas, we would have christmas in our own home and visit parents "over the christmas season" but not christmas day or boxing day. My Dad was an orphan and my grandmother(widow) died when I was young so that's what I was used to. My husband had hated being dragged from house to house and christmas so was happy to do this too. We did it in expectation of having kids, which never happened. Because we had set expectations early, it never became a problem.

Bonkers. Stay home

The absolute best thing about a under school aged child is being able to take a Tuesday off work and go to the zoo not at a weekend when the families of school aged children have no choice but to go then. I absolutely would not be swapping a party that everyone can attend for a busier trip to the zoo nor a quieter trip to the zoo for a party that fewer people can attend.

What is babies routine like at the moment? Have you plotted out his typical day and then annotate it with the plans your MIL has for Christmas day and his birthday? I

I think you are probably at the point where you need to be having another conversation with your husband. It is not reasonable for your MIL to dictate your time to the degree she is doing and there are compromises to be had. Looking at across multiple occasions might help. On birthday - this is our plan, alongside babies routine, it's not practical for MIL to come over. We will see her for party on X and we can do something the following weekend too.

If you get kick back I would add if what the day would look like if you and your mother also got the same amount of time.

I would also spin the question on it's head - "why does she want /need?" It's nice to see people on their birthdays, she just wants to be present. I would ask instead - what is she afraid will happen if she doesn't see them on the exact minute they were born!

I think you should drop DS with your mum and you and DH go to see MIL to discuss Christmas. Ask her what "her" turn at Christmas actually looks like.
I suspect it will be the whole day at hers, shortly after you wake up until into the evening. I'd probably agree to it with a couple of lazy hours at home first thing. MIL will be delighted. Then confirm that this exact plan will be in place for your mum every other year. The whole day. No popping out or over for either side.

And add in “a son’s a son until he takes a wife”.

No don’t invite her to the zoo. Have a day out with your husband and baby. Mums and mothers in law do not get to do everything that you do with your children.

Can’t she go to the zoo with you?

This started with our family when I had DS1 13 years ago. DH was also close to his mum and is very much a people pleaser but I did enforce boundaries after explaining to DH what the outcome would be if we continued on the same trajectory and he understood and communicated with his mum, in terms of setting firmer boundaries in place, but done gently and with fair compromise.
She muttered and complained for a while but we ended up having a lovely close relationship. Sadly she passed away 3 years ago and I still miss her but I definitely empathise with what you’re going through now and it has the potential to cause really bad resentment.

I’m not at all saying she shouldn’t do Christmas just herself, DH and DC if that’s what she wants. My suggestion of alternating was in response to the OP herself saying she didn’t want to cook the lunch and to the fact she was zipping around all over the place last Christmas.

I think most Christmases end up being some sort of compromise for everyone involved. The issue here is that MIL is trying to dictate her terms to a young family. In my family those with little ones get to say what will work for them and then we also ensure that no one is left on their own by sharing around older family members. No one is expected to do any travelling on Christmas Day though!