AIBU to want firmer boundaries about seeing MIL on birthdays / Christmas?

[carkey26]

My MIL is a really lovely woman but she has this thing of insisting we see her on specific special days: DS' birthday, mother's day, Christmas Day etc.
And there's no compromise at all, it has to be ON THE DAY, not the day after or next weekend. If it's not on the day she gets really upset.

DH feels we just need to accommodate this but I think we need to set better boundaries. I'm keen to get an outside perspective on what's a reasonable compromise here. MIL obviously feels she's compromising because she says "you only need to see me for a few hours, not the full day" but to me that's not really a compromise.

Examples..

Mother's Day - We had to reschedule my first Mother's Day to a different day

Christmas Day - We planned to spend the day with my family but I said we could see MIL (and DH's family) all day Christmas Eve / Boxing Day / any day they chose! But she was insistent we came to hers for part of Christmas day. I offered an hour or two in the morning or evening. She insisted both and much longer than 1-2 hours. We ended up getting there for 8am(!), going to my family in the middle of the day, returning to MIL's in the late afternoon and then going home so spending about a third of the day in the car. DH admitted it had been far too much when we were on our way home.

The just random things like she was adamant she needed DS to come to the airport with DH when she came back from holiday. I had had something arranged on that day for months with my family, several of whom were traveling really far to us, and she wanted us to cut it short so DS could go to the airport. In her mind that was a fair compromise, whereas I was firmly of the mindset of no, it's not happening at all, we can't accommodate it.

Now that DS' first birthday is coming up in November and then we have the second Christmas, it's already starting again! We want to take DS on a really big day out on his actual birthday to the Zoo which will already be quite an undertaking and she's starting with "As long as I get to see him for at least part of the day.."

I don't want to be mean. Ungrateful. Fall out with anyone. But to me this isn't fair or sustainable. Compromise would look like 'we'll see you the day after' or 'we'll spend Christmas Day with you next year' not us cramming in as much as possible just to accommodate it all happening on the specific day!

AIBU to want to set stricter boundaries..?

I never have really understood the importance of seeing dc and dgc on particular days. Seeing them is a joy and if that is on a wet Wednesday in November rather than Mother’s Day it is still a joy.
Both my husband and my own parents felt we needed to prioritise my MIL as she was on her own. So we had both lots to our house every Christmas because it stopped any issues. Now we are the oldest generation we take each year as it comes.

Set the boundaries Now. I had this for very many years as I was a pleaser. Was even told I couldn't have my parents Christmas Day as it was "Their Place" to be with us or at their's, excluding my parents.

this!

We always had to drive the mothers to and from our house, and whilst it did make a long day longer, I always found driving home again gave me a good chance to de-stress. Perhaps you could just invite your mother in law and explain to the siblings thst there’s not space for them?

Screams of covert narcissism. She’s able to insert herself into important, memorable dates so it looks like she’s central to the family especially now with pictures taken so abundantly.

Honestly you needed to set these boundaries before the first mothers day and Christmas. It set a bit of an example to MIL now that if she fights enough you will go. First you and your DH need to be on the same page. There is no point putting boundaries in place if you DH doesn't agree with them.

Post children, we decided that events were going to be primarily about our nuclear family (me, DH and kids) so we spending birthdays, mothers day, fathers day, Easter and Christmas revolve around the 4 of us. We do what we want then others come afterwards. That doesn't mean we don't spend time with our parents on those day, just that what we want comes first. e.g. every third Christmas we spend it as just the 4 of us. Mothers day and Fathers day are about us are parents and we usually see or do something with our own parents another day.

I also don't send my children to the airport to collect my in laws (they live abroad) if we have plans already in. Last time DS had a party to attend so DH went on his own (it was also 6am!) and DD had a dance awards things when they were going back.

She is not the centre of your entire family's world even though that is how she sees herself. Her demands are unreasonable and make special days more inconvenient and crappy for everyone else.

Your child is soon turning one and you need to make sure things work for him and you as his parents. You can't just march to the beat of your MIL's drum forever and ever. No fucking way.

I've got a mate who bends over backwards to drive her kid and husband around everyone who demands their presence on Christmas day and back to theirs in the evening. Sounds shit. Is shit.

We see my MIL on Christmas day then head to my parents for lunch and stay over, this means we can do our Christmas breakfast and stockings at our home in the morning, pop in on my MIL and then let our hair down and have a drink at my parents. (MIL is invited every year and says no every year, she has lots of adult children so is never on her own). My parents have always said we can go wherever we like. I'm one of 4 and some of my siblings alternate with their in laws or stay at theirs in another part of the country or bring their in laws with them and it's all good, there's no pressure either way. That's how it should be.

If she wants to see her grandson on his actual birthday she'll have to get herself to the zoo. When will it end? My son was on a school trip in another country for one of his birthdays, should I have kept him home so his Nan could see him on the day? Obvs not because he had an amazing experience.

The meeting her at the airport thing is miserable - that's only a treat for her. It made the day crummier for everyone else. She sounds like a narcissist who genuinely cannot think about anyone other than herself.

You are absolutely right that you and your DH need to say no to her and make the decisions that work best for your own family unit. If that means having a Christmas dinner on another day, that's your choice not hers. If she's going to throw her toys out of the pram over it, that's more reflective of her character than yours. I'm so annoyed about her!

This sounds like the best approach.

So MIL was widowed fairly young, 10 years ago, and I know finds Christmas very hard. That possibly extends to other special days. I think DS has been a great distraction and brought a lot of joy for her on these special days again.

HOWEVER, before anyone thinks I'm completely heartless. My Mum has also been widowed (my dad) and that was much more recent. Last year was her first Christmas without him and she found it really hard. I am also an only child whereas MIL is surrounded by all DH's siblings, some of whom are grown up but still live at home.

Them both being widowed makes these special days even more challenging.

Your MIL is being wildly unreasonable, especially about Christmas. The vast majority of families alternate Christmases between sides of the family.

If your mum is on her own and you have no siblings could you not all just spend Christmas together?

Yeah this is insane. And the more it sets in the harder it would be to break the tradition. I was going to say that the only unfair bit of what you were saying is if you wanted to do every Christmas with your family but you’re not saying that. Your proposal is completely fair. She’s not hosting but you are still spending that time with her and that side of the family and she’s being completely unreasonable.

Nope MiL is definitely being unreasonable I agree.
Mother’s Day - you spend it with your child, and if you want, your mum. DH can go see MiL but nothing to do with you. Not your mum!
Xmas, you alternate so that if you see your family one year, MiL sees you Xmas eve or boxing day. The next year you see her at whosever house is hosting from her side. No extra visits to her home if she is not hosting. DH can take side trips alone if he wants whilst you and child go direct to hosts - your or his (and if you have 2 cars)
DS Birthday, if there is a party she is invited to, she sees him, if not, not but at whenever it is convenient.
Lastly, I’d stop ferrying her around so much. Xmas day fair enough no alternative probably but on sons Bday, let her get public transport / Uber if she is insistent on seeing him. Is there a reason she needs a constant personal transportation service?
Rather than argue with DH though, I’d let him pander to her alone if he wants and make extra trips and fit them around the joint plans if he can’t say no. Not your problem. He also can’t use his inability to say no as an excuse - you are saying do what you want (within the constraints of what has been planned for your family). I agree her getting favourable treatment over your mum is a danger and this will help ensure it is avoided.

Go with the Mumsnet maxim, "No, is a complete sentence." Then stick to it and ignore the emotional blackmail, the more she indulges in it, the less access she gets.

Did your dh see his grandparents in the same way? I bet he didn’t. Just start saying no!

For goodness sake speak up and put your foot down, she’ll carry this on forevermore as you give in, do you really want to be doing this for the next 18 years while your child grows up? It’s your life make a stand!

I'm widowed and I don't expect everyone to visit me on special days! I never knew this was a thing.

We are the opposite- any vague attempt to see each other 'around the time' is accepted. Don't mind if it's a few days before or after, mum the same so all very relaxed, your MIL is silly and will end up seeing less of you, not more.

God no we never see anyone on birthdays we always do something as a family unit.

Christmas Day became a non negotiable for us. It’s the 4 of us and that’s it, we don’t go to see anyone and nobody comes to see us. We’ll see you at some point but it’s not Christmas Day.

She wanted a baby to pick her up at the airport?

That’s one of the silliest things I’ve read on here in 20 years of astonishing batshittery.

I never get why Mother's day has to be celebrated individually and separately, when it's possible to just meet up together and go for a lovely lunch or cook at home, and both/all mothers are appreciated through the day.

Stop tearing yourself apart for this bonkers thing of hers... I can't believe you left your mum on her own for all that craziness last year...as an only ...
No is a complete sentence but yes work out what works for you... Travelling with dc at xmas will be harder for the next say10years as they get full into the xmas thing.. so look at alternating days accross all or just different days eg xmas eve 1 side, boxing day other xmas day yours..

Or her/your mum alternate at yours over 3 yrs so 1 yr free and come the night before to sort the transport issue out...DH has si lings so they should share the load..

Other days at your convenience eg birthday not this year doesn't work on the day.. maybe other days /years it will

Jesus OP.

have you got to put your foot down.

with her, and your husband.

i am actually now NC with my MIL…and I think that if I had the sense to push back a bit right when problems started showing themselves with regards to her attitude towards the way we do things, we wouldn’t actually be in this situation now.

You need to sort it before your DS goes to school. At the moment he's still portable and young enough not to argue, but your MIL is going to find it VERY hard to be confronted by a sulking child who wanted to play with his Christmas presents/have a party with his friends rather than be dragged around the grannies for every celebration, and I suspect he'll make his feelings known.

Completely agree with this . I am also a MIL and made it very clear to all my adult kids , two sons and a daughter, that when they had their own families then they were their priorities not us ! My own parents did the same with me, many years ago.This has worked well for everyone and we all get along fine with no drama and plenty of lovely get togethers when it suits.
While your baby is so young it is an ideal time to get the priorities in order for going forward and your DH needs to have that conversation with his mum imo.

Everyone loves to bash the mil

You want to spend all those times with YOUR family but not her.
I can see her point.
She wants to be with her grandson & son like YOU want to be with YOUR FAMILY

Invite her to the zoo. Invite her for Christmas with your family , Include her.

If she is going elsewhere at Christmas then, fair, she can chose, spend it with her other son or with you guys.
OR you just pop in for awhile once on that day