AIBU to want firmer boundaries about seeing MIL on birthdays / Christmas?

[carkey26]

My MIL is a really lovely woman but she has this thing of insisting we see her on specific special days: DS' birthday, mother's day, Christmas Day etc.
And there's no compromise at all, it has to be ON THE DAY, not the day after or next weekend. If it's not on the day she gets really upset.

DH feels we just need to accommodate this but I think we need to set better boundaries. I'm keen to get an outside perspective on what's a reasonable compromise here. MIL obviously feels she's compromising because she says "you only need to see me for a few hours, not the full day" but to me that's not really a compromise.

Examples..

Mother's Day - We had to reschedule my first Mother's Day to a different day

Christmas Day - We planned to spend the day with my family but I said we could see MIL (and DH's family) all day Christmas Eve / Boxing Day / any day they chose! But she was insistent we came to hers for part of Christmas day. I offered an hour or two in the morning or evening. She insisted both and much longer than 1-2 hours. We ended up getting there for 8am(!), going to my family in the middle of the day, returning to MIL's in the late afternoon and then going home so spending about a third of the day in the car. DH admitted it had been far too much when we were on our way home.

The just random things like she was adamant she needed DS to come to the airport with DH when she came back from holiday. I had had something arranged on that day for months with my family, several of whom were traveling really far to us, and she wanted us to cut it short so DS could go to the airport. In her mind that was a fair compromise, whereas I was firmly of the mindset of no, it's not happening at all, we can't accommodate it.

Now that DS' first birthday is coming up in November and then we have the second Christmas, it's already starting again! We want to take DS on a really big day out on his actual birthday to the Zoo which will already be quite an undertaking and she's starting with "As long as I get to see him for at least part of the day.."

I don't want to be mean. Ungrateful. Fall out with anyone. But to me this isn't fair or sustainable. Compromise would look like 'we'll see you the day after' or 'we'll spend Christmas Day with you next year' not us cramming in as much as possible just to accommodate it all happening on the specific day!

AIBU to want to set stricter boundaries..?

YANBU - she is.

It's a shame your DH is such a wet lettuce and gives into all of her demands and made her a pain in the arse. She is controlling what you do and will get worse. Time to sort this out and get the wet lettuce to sort it, it's his controlling mother than he is too scared to stand up to. She is used to being the center of the universe - time for equality here.

I think you’ve read an entirely different thread to the rest of us.

OP has actually stated that she hasn’t to ensure it’s her mum that’s not left out, as her MIL is so demanded.

and no, she doesn’t have to include or invite anyone to the zoo if she doesn’t want. People are allowed to spent time with their own small family unit

We get to see our adult dc at christmas usually ds one year dd next and then ds and dd at ours 3rd year.
This means our dc get to there inlaws the other times.
And occasionally we dont see them on the day at all, it's not set in stone.

As a child my memories of those days are special because they were spent with family. Less so Mother’s Day, I’d set a boundary on that as it’s for you and your child now - but birthdays and Christmas to me are about seeing family and feeling loved.

That said you don’t have to do that with your family so you can set boundaries, but to me that’s a bit sad.

She’s had her time to have a little family and, from the sounds of it, be the matriarch. She’s now extended family and she doesn’t get to organise your time. That’s your role. If she is lucky, she can be involved. But it’s not a given.

Someone needs to say no to her and remind her she's not the queen mother!

MIL isn't even hosting, she doesn't get a say in your movements whether she is or not.

As uncomfortable as it is, you or your DH just need to say no sorry that doesn't work for us, we'll see you at X time for X amount of hours otherwise let us know a more suitable day. The end.

She's got away with getting her own way for too long so naturally she'll be annoyed at first but you'll never break the cycle if you don't put your foot down.

Mil sounds insufferable and your husband seems to care more about humouring her entitlement than protecting his marriage. Jeez

I have edited as i see some updates from OP
BUT i am not reading a different thread at all

I think the OP could be more reasonable

That is my view... You know, what the OP asked for. Not everyone has to agree!

That's not true or fair at all. You're being absolutely ridiculous and no doubt projecting your own issues onto this.

Firstly, as much as I love my mum, I actually wanted mother's day and my DS' first birthday to just be our own little family. I didn't intend to invite my mum or any of my other relatives. We spent the Christmas before last with MIL so it was my turn with my family last year.

We see MIL at least once a week. But the fact is on these special occasions we cannot be in two (or even three) places at the same time.

I have already explained: We can't fit both MIL and my mum in our car to go to the zoo. They can't drive and also my mum has kindly agreed to look after our dog. We also cannot fit all DH's family and mine and cook for them all at ours on Christmas.

I am honestly doing all that I can to try and keep everyone happy and I know it's not sustainable.

Absolutely. I couldn’t bear my sons to resent me over my being precious about a day. They are their own people. Like you we all get on great.

You need to have a frank conversation with your DH and make him deal with it. I made the mistake of letting my in-laws have far too much sway over me and my DC after my husband died but they just wanted to know they weren't going to be cut off from all they had left of him. It was a painful conversation to have - and there was a brief period of almost outright warfare - but I'm unbelievably close to my FIL now as are my kids. They are no doubt concerned about not being included. One thing that worked for me was the host and welcome everyone in. That puts the onus on them to decide whether the effort to come is worth it or not. I absolutely would not be letting them dictate your own nuclear family time though - bugger that.

I havent got my own issues at all.
Thank you though

You asked what people think.
Thats what i think

When you post on a public forum.
Not everyone is going to actually agree.
The whole point is for people to give views and you take things on board or equally not

Your happy with everyone slating your mother in law and some calling your husband a wet lettuce then i shall let everyone get on with it

Have a good week 🙂‍↔️

For me, days like mother's day are about the older generation. I have two children of my own but I see them everyday, spend time with them everyday. I think its nice to go and see our own mothers on mothers day and make them feel special. 'First' mother's days seem a fairly new 'worry' really. Appreciate all family dynamics are different but I do think you are being unreasonable there. Mothers day with a one year old is nothing like what the sentiment of mothers day is for me really .... making a 'lovely' mum feel special that is not seen everyday is though.

YANBU about Christmas though ... that amount of tooing and froing isn't fair on anyone. While i'm not sure a 1 year old has any concept of the actual day I don't think that is any good for them. A couple of hours is very reasonable and lovely.

But MIL has been offered many suitable alternatives. She's not happy with them though. She is expecting OP to be in many places at once.

Just to add I also don't think your husband sounds like a wet lettuce at all. There's nothing wrong with being close to your parents. If he didn't give a hoot about her it would be much more reflective of his character. Of course he needs to balance your wishes too (and what about his own?). There are some proper bitter sounding people on mumsnet sometimes.

If she has grown children still living at home why can’t they drive her if she needs to go somewhere? I would definitely get DH to agree what you both think is reasonable and then hold firm. It’s good practice for dealing with toddlers!!

The easiest and fairest solution is to do what you, DH and DS actually want without any input from grandparents on the matter. What do you actually want to do for xmas? Who do you want to spend it with? Just do that!

My DS is 4, we've spent every xmas at home just us 3, first year we had lunch with my dad so we wouldn't have to cook, the next year we went to his for tea and the year after we saw him on xmas eve. It's what actually suited us at the time rather than what anyone else wanted. Also there's 2 other grandmothers that live further away so we saw them on other days like boxing day or xmas eve. This is your time to spend with your little family, don't waste it pleasing other people!

Did your DH have everything rearranged to spend time with his own grandmother on every special day like this? Somehow I doubt it! So, if she wouldn’t have tolerated this from her own Mum/MIL, why should you and your child?

I would nip this in the bud asap!

I’d just stop pandering to her.

Christians this is our plan feel free to pop In / we are alternating to will see you Boxing Day this year.

Mother’s Day. Your dh can go see his mother that’s not a problem. What she cannot dictate is how you with to spend your Mother’s Day as a mum with your child. That’s 100% up to you just how your dh should get final say on Father’s Day.

Birthdays well tough titties tbh. If the birthday person is having a day out or a holiday it’s just tough. If birthday person is home you’re welcome to pop by. If birthday person is having party / dinner she can be invited.

You and your DH need to tell her what you are doing, not the other way around. If you want Christmas at your parents, then tell her that is what you are doing, and arrange to see her Christmas Eve or Boxing Day. She cannot continue to dictate what you do.

Ouch! True though OP!

Personally I agree with @FookFookFook as above. Oh a slightly different note, while doing something with the kids on their actual birthday is lovely, and this is a moot point with a one year old, I always found doing the big outing on a different day was better because otherwise it was a rush to make the most of the outing and do presents, and tea and cake, all on the same day. Much like Christmas morning if they have to abandon the presents before they've had a chance to appreciate and play with them. Much better in my opinion to do Christmas morning at home, then go to whoever is hosting later for the meal. Then Christmas Eve or Boxing Day with the other side of the family if that's practical.
Any special day is as special as you make it, I don't think the actual date on the calendar is necessarily the be all and end all.

We haven't seen either of our families 'on the day' for years. We have Christmas and birthdays in a relaxed way with just us, then meet up later/earlier in the month for an extended family get together. I would put my foot down about this. She's not the boss of what your family does for events.

You being an only child, and your mother being a recent widow, would have me putting my foot down even more.

Your husband has siblings, some still at home?
Your MIL is being even more unreasonable.

Your poor Mum. Her first Christmas without her husband and her only child couldn't spend the day with her for fear of upsetting her mother in law!

We had exactly this with my MIL trying to demand to see the kids on their birthdays etc even if we had seen her the day before. She is also a very unimvolved grandmother, happy not to see them for 6 weeks but then wanting to see them on the day of their birthdays. She would try to engineer sneaky ways to see them on their birthdays if we said no. We just stood firm and over the years she had to accept what we were saying.

Just to be clear, some years she has seen them on their birthdays or Christmas Day, we don't block her to be spiteful, but it's the years she wasn't going to see them that she'd cause a bit of a fuss.