To un-invite both of my parents to my wedding?

[GilmoreGirls21]

I am getting married in January. It’s a small registry office style wedding with a sit down meal at a local restaurant afterwards. It’s a week-day because the cost was double on the weekend and there was no availability for quite a while.

The first thing that came out of my mum’s mouth was that she would have to take the day off unpaid. Nothing nice or celebratory about the actual day at all so far. She has the money to take the day off and she regularly takes days off work for other occasions (friends birthdays etc). She is now complaining to everyone about the loss of money.

My dad was more positive but straight away tried to dictate who was going and how the day was going etc, and that sense of entitlement to the day. He has also been making a few comments recently that he thinks is funny but is actually hurtful, and it’s got to the point where I would rather not speak to him if I don’t have to or be around him.

AIBU to un-invite both of my parents to my wedding? And could someone help me draft a message to them both? I have never really confronted them about anything before, I know this will be a big step but I need to do it to avoid them ruining the day.

It seems abit of a over reaction unless theres a huge backstory

You'll probably regret them not being there. Just plan the day you want and pay no attention to their comments. Congratulations!

There is a back story - my mum has been crap all my life and my dad has spent the last few weeks/months making hurtful comments about my health conditions that I have going on so yeah, I guess I’m just done with it and don’t want them at a special event for me and my partner, potentially ruining the day 🤷‍♀️

Just tell them that you decided just to have a few enthusiastic people and they haven't made the cut . I am sorry they are like this , it's horrible.

It is horrible especially when the only comments my mum has made about the whole thing is her losing a day of work and money - no excitement or anything for us. It’s just exhausting and draining.

Are you prepared for them never to speak to you again, there has to be more to this .

If you do this I would imagine it will affect your relationship for ever so keep that in mind. Not necessarily a bad thing if you are struggling in your relationship anyway so entirely up to you.

They would speak to me again - my mum probably doesn’t care about being there and it’s more to put on a show for everyone else. My dad would be hurt but I’m his only child and he would speak to me again, but he has also hurt me with his comments and behaviour recently so

I've been married 4 times..my dps weren't at any !
Last one we uninvited my mil.

Absolutely no regrets.

Put it back on them. You’ve made lots of comments, mum, about losing money and haven’t said one nice thing about my getting married - I understand if you would rather not come? Dad, you keep saying unkind things - would you prefer not to come? If you do want to come, can you please be supportive and happy for me.

I can’t help with a message because that’s got to be personal to you. I completely get where you’re coming from, my parents were similar. I wish I’d uninvited them from my wedding. Within 3 years of it I’d cut them out of my life completely though. Just wanted to send solidarity and understanding. Congratulations on your wedding 🥂

I wouldn't uninvite them directly in this situation. But if they start moaning again I would say that if you came make it I totally understand. I say don't uninvite them because the drama they will cause about being uninvited will be worse than the current moaning. Just be super busy in the run up and be strategic where you put them on the day. You'll be so busy on the day you won't have much time to talk to any particular individual. The only thing that would make me say don't invite them is if your mum is going to be disruptive drama on the day

I probably would stop talking to them about the wedding, they have the details don't try and include them in anymore than you have to, uninviting them will just cause a huge row and probably just cast a further shadow over your wedding, it must really hurt though they sounds so self centred.

I would absolute univite them, it sounds like they will more misery than joy to the day.

'Hi Mum/Dad, fiance and I have decided to have a very small wedding due to it being on a week day, with just witnesses, so I am cancelling wedding invitations.

I thought I'd let you know before you book any annual leave.

Sorry for any inconvenience.

GilmoreGirl'.

Possible message: 'it seems my wedding is a cause for hassle to you, so please don't come on the day. If you would like to celebrate with us, that can happen the following weekend.'

I think the size of this choice is bigger than your complaints and I think you’ll regret it. It affects the photos of the day, the other guests will be aware there’s been an issue, and you’ll be uncomfortable that they aren’t there even if it was your choice. I went to a wedding after a similar situation and they were noticeable in their absence. Easier to have them there, tbh.

Your Dad’s behaviour is sort of low level constant irritation. As is your mum’s. Telling them they can’t come is more of a bombshell moment.

Your mum is easy. Every time she mentions it, tell her that she absolutely doesn’t have to come and mustn’t feel obliged to. You’ll totally understand if she decides not to.
That moves the responsibility for her behaviour back to her rather than you needing to take any big decisions out of anger.

Re your Dad, the insensitivity about your health is not really related to your wedding, apart from wanting a day off from his remarks. Keep telling him, it’s really hurtful- stop it ✋ Are you deliberately trying to upset me? Well stop!
If he carries on, point out you won’t be inviting people who deliberately upset you to your wedding. He gets to choose if that means him or not.

YANBU, they sound awful.

Chat or Google are good at writing things like this @GilmoreGirls21 for example:

• Mum, I've heard your concerns about losing money and taking unpaid leave for the wedding. Because it's causing this much financial stress for you, we’ve decided it’s best to move forward without family there. I don’t want our wedding day to be a financial burden on you."

• "Dad, I’ve noticed the comments you’ve been making about the wedding. It feels like our plans are causing tension rather than joy. For that reason, we’ve decided to keep the day completely private. We want you both to be able to stay home."

Just outline the issues, tell it the kind of tone you want and it will give you something suitable. Then tell it to shorten or lengthen or be more or less blunt to refine it.

I don't think you should uninvite them just because they weren't enthusiastic enough.
You don't mention much about your relationship or yourself so it's hard to say whether how reasonable or unreasonable it is to expect excitement from them?
I think that uninviting a parent from your wedding is quite a big statement. If you actually do love your parents and think it won't actually affect your relationship, but you just want to uninvite them to teach them a lesson, then I think it sounds possibly like you take them for granted, and I would also think it would be a shame for you to not have them in your photographs etc.
Friends come and go.

If stop mentioning it to them, if they moan tel lthem it's an invitation not a summons and keep everything else to a minimim
And tell your dad he's upsetting you

This! or similar

It’s really hard because mumsnet have deleted my comments until they have had a chance to review it about the comments my dad has been making to me about my health - includes asking my partner how it feels to date a c**e (offensive word for disabled person) and calling my rollator a s*z-mobile (another offensive word for disabled person).

In terms of other comments - it’s only my partners immediate family coming other than my own immediate family. They know what my parents are like and what my relationship is like with them - so I don’t really care about photos or how it will look to people, it’s more about how the day feels for me and my partner

Yes they could have put it better but I also couldn't imagine planning a wedding and just expecting my parents do what I dictate either

I would have planned it with them in mind if I wanted them there

Yes i normally say bride and groom choose what happens but to parents are different if our relationship was that bad they wouldn't have been invited in the first place