To un-invite both of my parents to my wedding?

[GilmoreGirls21]

I am getting married in January. It’s a small registry office style wedding with a sit down meal at a local restaurant afterwards. It’s a week-day because the cost was double on the weekend and there was no availability for quite a while.

The first thing that came out of my mum’s mouth was that she would have to take the day off unpaid. Nothing nice or celebratory about the actual day at all so far. She has the money to take the day off and she regularly takes days off work for other occasions (friends birthdays etc). She is now complaining to everyone about the loss of money.

My dad was more positive but straight away tried to dictate who was going and how the day was going etc, and that sense of entitlement to the day. He has also been making a few comments recently that he thinks is funny but is actually hurtful, and it’s got to the point where I would rather not speak to him if I don’t have to or be around him.

AIBU to un-invite both of my parents to my wedding? And could someone help me draft a message to them both? I have never really confronted them about anything before, I know this will be a big step but I need to do it to avoid them ruining the day.

if you haven’t already I’d give them once more chance and say - ‘this is my and x’s day. We are doing it the way we want to. If you cannot accept that and be positive then it’s probably best you don’t come, though that would be a shame’.

Change the date - bring it forwards.

Only invite your future DH family if that's what you and he wants.

Don't bother with either waste of oxygen (your "parents") again.

If they mention the wedding, tell them they're too late.

Basically, screw 'em. They're less than useless.

Congratulations - I hope you have a long and happy marriage.🥂💐👰🏻🤵🏻

Me neither. I’d be over the moon to be able to celebrate my child’s wedding with them.

People are so weird making other people’s weddings about them. So self absorbed. Destination weddings are slightly different due to the extra cost and inconvenience. But taking the day off work? That’s nothing for your own children.

Can you say to your mum (in a text if easier to set it out in writing) something like “look mum, I’m not getting the impression that you would like to attend my wedding and I’d rather not have anyone there under sufferance so I’m going to suggest you just work that day”. If she wants to step up and stop complaining then that leaves a chance for her to do so. If not then you can fully uninvite.

And to your dad “The comments about my disability that you’ve made are totally unacceptable - from anyone let alone a father to his own daughter. That’s a hard line for me and I can no longer invite you to the wedding due to these”.

YANBU X

This. And give them one week to get back with their response because you will invite two close supportive friends instead.

I’d probably not uninvite them but would make my feelings clear - ‘Mum, it’s an invitation not a summons, if you are concerned about taking a day off them dont, no one is making you come’
For dad more difficult as the comments have not come through but depending on where you are I would leave / make him leave if he makes comments like that - start now. ‘Dad, if you call me a x again or refer negatively to my health conditions, I am going to have to insist you leave / im going to leave - and do it! Give him one strike at the wedding then insist he leaves that too if he won’t pack it in ‘Dad, Ive already asked you several times not to so this, this is my day and if you insist on ruining it you will have to leave- is that what you want?’

It sounds to me like if you uninvite your mother then she'll tell EVERYONE that at great length. How would you feel about that?

If you tell her that she doesn't need to come if she can't afford the day off, but if she's coming, you'd appreciate a bit more positivity about the whole thing, is there a chance she might start behaving better in the run-up? A bigger chance than if you uninvite her?

Obviously if she doesn't behave better then you can still uninvite her in a couple of weeks time.

Father: ugh the ablism. Much sympathy. Cut him out of your life entirely?

Can you talk to them both before you uninvite them because that feels quite a drastic step? Simply say that you want support, love and happiness on your wedding day and in the planning. If they can't provide that then they're not welcome.

100%. OP, I'd be no contact with your 'D' F for those comments, never mind wondering about a wedding invite. He's foul. I'm amazed your DP would want him there.
Your mother, I'd just let her know she doesn't have to come if it's too much of a financial strain, but she needs to decide before Monday.
If she decides to come (she will), it was her choice, and you can shut down future complaints.

You’ve made lots of comments, mum, about losing money and haven’t said one nice thing about my getting married - I understand if you would rather not come? Dad, you keep saying unkind things - would you prefer not to come?

I'd open a dialogue with them that went along these lines if I didn't want to blow the whole thing up. Withdrawing the invitation is likely to be the 'nuclear option'

I'd also be considering whether you want a relationship with them at all going forwards.

For clarity, my exh and I arranged our wedding 300 miles away and didn't invite anyone other than his aunt and uncle who lived in the same place to be witnesses. This was done so that we didn't have to invite my mother or deal with the fallout of having invited everyone except for my mother.

I've been nc with her for nearly 15 years now and, in the last conversation my exh had with her, she shouted at him down the phone to tell him to tell me I would be written out of the Will. My mother was vile and believed that holding an inheritance over me was the power she had and that she could treat me and my children horrifically and that I'd take it for the inheritance. I took the power away and she had nothing left.

What power do your parents hold over you? What is keeping you there?

Your parents sound awful and I don't blame you for uninviting them.

Just tell them - Mum, you don't want to come so I am uninviting you. Dad, you've been absolutely vile about my health issues so consider yourself uninvited. Maybe it'll cause them to reflect on how shit they've both been.

So, you sit them down and have one single, direct, conversation about it. To your dad, you say that all of the arrangements are in hand, and all he has to do is turn up. To your mum, you say that you understand if she would rather go to work and not lose the day's pay.

After that, you tell them you only want to hear positive things about the wedding, and that there is zero obligation for either of them to attend if they don't want to.

Any other comment they make gets ignored.

This. I wouldn't invite them after this 😮

I think along the lines of this is best, just say "after the comments made, I have thought about it long and hard and think it's best you actually don't come"

I agree with a PP - give them the chance to either stop moaning/being unpleasant and come or if it’s all that terrible you won’t be offended if they’d rather not come, but can they decide by x date for the catering and table plans.
pass back- it’s their choice
Don’t discuss the wedding with them

Ask them, “would you rather not come? Just let me know so I can tell the restaurant.”

Tell your dad to stop the nasty comments, it’s rude and he’s embarrassing himself.

It doesn’t have to be a drama unless you let them make it one.

Have a fabulous day!

I don’t know why you’re even speaking to your dad let alone inviting him to your wedding if this is the way he chooses to speak to you. He’s using ableist slurs to his own daughter - that would be reason alone for me to not only disinvite him to the wedding but to cut him off until he educates himself as to how to behave respectfully to disabled people.

Your Mum sounds like a dick, but I’m not sure I would uninvite them. It might be something you will regret in the future.

It might be different if you were having a huge wedding - they could be 'drowned out' by the volume of friends/other family who are loving and enthusiastic. But for such an intimate wedding (which sounds lovely), having them there will just give them a platform for their unpleasantness, and you risk the whole thing being spoiled.
I'd uninvite them, and tell them so clearly and calmly, so as not to invite more drama. And when they react, put your boundaries in place and don't be drawn in.
Have a lovely wedding.

This, and you could do it in a wry, rueful non-confrontational way, almost a bit of humour. 'You don't seem altogether keen, perhaps you'd rather be at work? In fact, I think that might be a good idea! And you'd need Dad to keep you company when you get home, of course...'

Her mother has been 'crap' to her all her life.

You wouldn’t take ONE day off work for your child’s wedding? Blimey. That’s pretty chilly.

I think not inviting them is likely to cause more stress and conflict than it solves. I agree with pp, just get on with it, ignore any negative comments and enjoy your day. Or tell them how much they are upsetting you. Blocking them from your wedding is an extreme reaction when you could have a conversation.
I had a huge fallout with my Mum before my wedding, it never occurred to me to tell her she couldn’t come. Think long term OP.

It's your wedding, not theirs.
As an earlier poster suggested, turn it back on them and tell them if it's causing them that much stress, it would better for them if they simply don't come.
Or tell them you've changed your mind and the wedding is off, then just do it anyway with your friends who actually want to be there on your special day.

I'm in a serious relationship and we've talked about marriage but I won't do anything while my elderly father is still around as he tries to make everything about him even though he's just not that interested in me or my sibling, and I know it will ruin it for me.