To un-invite both of my parents to my wedding?

[GilmoreGirls21]

I am getting married in January. It’s a small registry office style wedding with a sit down meal at a local restaurant afterwards. It’s a week-day because the cost was double on the weekend and there was no availability for quite a while.

The first thing that came out of my mum’s mouth was that she would have to take the day off unpaid. Nothing nice or celebratory about the actual day at all so far. She has the money to take the day off and she regularly takes days off work for other occasions (friends birthdays etc). She is now complaining to everyone about the loss of money.

My dad was more positive but straight away tried to dictate who was going and how the day was going etc, and that sense of entitlement to the day. He has also been making a few comments recently that he thinks is funny but is actually hurtful, and it’s got to the point where I would rather not speak to him if I don’t have to or be around him.

AIBU to un-invite both of my parents to my wedding? And could someone help me draft a message to them both? I have never really confronted them about anything before, I know this will be a big step but I need to do it to avoid them ruining the day.

Right well he probably should be uninvited he sounds horrible not just a bit uninterested.

Not the point but is mum self employed? As in the UK, paid leave is a right.

Honestly having read your subsequent comments I would definitely want to uninvite them. But are you sure they won't just turn up? Is be tempted to change the whole thing. Could you go away somewhere thats accessible for you and his family. If that and a date change isn't realistic I'd skip the politeness. Id just say I think in all the circumstances it's best if you don't come. If they ask why you can tell them

So why on earth invite then in the first place if ot os that bad that would be worse than anything they said about the wedding itself

You are absolutely within your rights to uninvite them, but I feel as though this is something I would want to do in person and as part of a wider conversation. I wouldn't drop it on them in a message.

Just read your update, bloody hell !

Have you told him his comments are hurtful?

To be fair, I love my kids dearly, but I’d moan no end if one of them pulled a weekday wedding on us basically forcing us to take a day off work, and we (DH/I) would get paid for a leave day! It just smacks of being so inconsiderate to anyone you invite.

I have told my kids if they choose to have a destination wedding (as is their choice/right) then DH and I will wish them all the joy in the world but won’t be in attendance, just to avoid them pulling the ‘but we didn’t know’ card. Think making everyone take extra time off again to indulge that is also inconsiderate. Didn’t think to add weekday to the speech but will now make an addendum😁.

No one comes out with the kind of statements to OP has quoted from him without deliberately setting out to be hurtful.

You need to tell your dad his comments are hurtful and that they need to stop regardless of the wedding. That is a separate issue. If he doesn’t then stop I agree with pp’s that you then uninvited him. As for your mum - I wouldn’t outright uninvited her due to her comments but would do as others have said re: putting the responsibility back on her. If you outright uninvite your mum it will cause much more drama - she needs to choose to not come due to loss of earnings I think.

How long have you got before the day? I like the idea of a PP; move the wedding date and location so it is even more of a hassle for them to get to, maybe overnight travel so your mother potentially loses two or three days pay. Are your parents divorced BTW? If not you only have to put one of them off. But I am guessing they are so rather than come up with a crafty ruse for your Father I would wait for the next batch of insults tell him to F off and cancel his invite (actually if they are still together and you don't have time or don't want to rearrange this could work quite well).

I'd do this. At least give them a chance to realise they're hurting you and change their attitude before doing something so drastic?

I sounds like a lot if these comments are from people who have normal parents. Yours don't sound normal, they sound horrible, absolutely uninvited them and put very little into your relationship with them, congratulations thought, I hope you have a lovely day.

It's hard when people suck the fun out of everything and you're not being unreasonable to ask them not to come. Just have to be prepared for the fallout. Who knows, they may even take it on board and be better going forward, doubt it though.

Sorry you've a shadow over your wedding day, this really shouldn't be happening.

Tell them you've cancelled it and go ahead with just witnesses.

I think I would actually cancel it and rebook for another day with just witnesses.

Tell them afterwards it's done.

Right, I think I'd tackle each individually.

First off - "Mum, you have only complained about losing a days wage since we announced the wedding. If it is too much for you, then I understand you aren't able to come. But if you decide to come, I don't appreciate the ungracious comments - any more and I don't think it's appropriate for you to attend and spoil our special day."

More importantly "Dad, you keep making really hurtful comments about my disability and health. Would you be happy for someone else to upset me by making these comments? No? Then why do you think it is acceptable for you to make these hurtful comments to me?"

I would also recommend eloping if you can't be dealing with family drama. DH and I got married with only us, a photographer and a harpist playing our favourite music gently through the ceremony. I had an exquisite bouquet (flowers are my thing) and went out for a lovely meal afterwards. Perfect day.

Would something like this work
“Dear Mum and Dad, I understand you are upset to lose a day’s pay for the wedding but please understand this is an invitation. I am as happy as can be about getting married and in this small gathering of people am looking forward to a happy positive day, with no negative comments, criticism etc. If you are happy for us and looking forward to contributing to the occasion, that’s lovely. If you can’t commit to this then please understand it is an invitation not a summons and I will understand if you choose not to come. Love xxx”

Well, you don't have to go then do you?
I wouldn't give a weekday wedding a second thought. I guess it depends how much you support and are happy for your children, if you value them over a day's leave. It's not like plenty of notice isn't given for weddings is it? So easy to plan ahead.

Just tell them straight out. No written messages. Tell your Mum as she is so bothered about taking a day off work , you'll just remove her from the list. As for your Dad just tell him he is no longer invited due to his rude and insulting behaviour. Next time he says something to your fiancé the response should be ' I am marrying @GilmoreGirls21 because I love and respect her, something you clearly don't '.

I didn't invite my normal, loving parents to my wedding, also a register office, mainly because I live in a different country and they find travelling stressful, my dad has no intention of getting a passport anyway.
After reading what your dad said about you I would cut him out of your life altogether, that's awful.

First of all, your Dm could take a day’s holiday for the wedding so wouldn’t lose pay. Secondly, why would it cost double to have a meal (n a local restaurant on a weekend as opposed to a weekday? Restaurants don’t charge different prices on different days, especially not in January. In fact most would be welcoming of the revenue in January, a traditionally slump month in the industry. Thirdly, is your DF asking who’s invited to the wedding and making suggestions or is he insisting that you invite dim and distant relatives?

I'd say what I did when I got comments about how we planned our wedding re: guests and (lack of) bridesmaids which was

'this is what we want to do, feel free not to attend'.

We weren't doing anything weird BTW, just a small guest list, no bridesmaids (because its unnecessary) or children apart from babes in arms because the reception venue only allowed 50 people max.

Someone your courage and just say that you would rather they didn’t come unless they cease with the offensive comments. If they can promise to do that, then they are welcome but if not, don’t bother as you don’t want to hear it anymore.

Summon not someone!

Hi mum and dad
i need you to know that I have been really hurt about your comments about my wedding arrangements and about me personally and about Dave. I have therefore decided that I would prefer it if you do not attend my wedding please. Moving forward, I hope you can accept myself and Dave as a married couple and we can build an adult relationship together.
Thank you