To un-invite both of my parents to my wedding?

[GilmoreGirls21]

I am getting married in January. It’s a small registry office style wedding with a sit down meal at a local restaurant afterwards. It’s a week-day because the cost was double on the weekend and there was no availability for quite a while.

The first thing that came out of my mum’s mouth was that she would have to take the day off unpaid. Nothing nice or celebratory about the actual day at all so far. She has the money to take the day off and she regularly takes days off work for other occasions (friends birthdays etc). She is now complaining to everyone about the loss of money.

My dad was more positive but straight away tried to dictate who was going and how the day was going etc, and that sense of entitlement to the day. He has also been making a few comments recently that he thinks is funny but is actually hurtful, and it’s got to the point where I would rather not speak to him if I don’t have to or be around him.

AIBU to un-invite both of my parents to my wedding? And could someone help me draft a message to them both? I have never really confronted them about anything before, I know this will be a big step but I need to do it to avoid them ruining the day.

You are already allowing them to overshadow your wedding. Which is such a shame. There are two things I regret about my wedding, the groom, and the people that should never have been invited!

'Due to the negativity you have displayed following the invitation to join us on our special day, I feel on reflection it would be better all round if you didn't attend. We are so looking forward to this special occasion, and don't wish the build up to it, or the day itself, to be overshadowed by negativity.'

Option 3 is brilliant!

Here you go -

We realised it was a big ask for everyone to take the day off for our wedding and have decided to elope instead. We will hold a celebrating at a suitable time with everyone at a later date.

Make it as nice or as sharp as you want.

I think you need to talk to them and explain you are feeling hurt befire making a rash decision to uninvite them. You need to tell your mum that you appreciate she has taken a day off, but by making a big deal of it is making you upset. Your Dad ; you need to explain how his comments are impacting you. They might not (they might) realise. Talk to them and after you have then make a decision.

This. I hope you have a lovely day (without them) OP.

Can I just be clear. When you are in a wheelchair, having your dad making comments to your fiance about him marrying a (rhymed words) plastic and a ripple, all bets are off.
This man knows these words hurt. They are demeaning and cruel and to ask another man this, as if OP is some sort of sub-standard non-human, is repulsive.
He should want to protect his daughter not abuse her and it is abuse.
Requesting she tell him that it’s hurtful gives her a responsibility which is not hers.
He won’t change.

I think not having your parents at your wedding is a huge mistake. Just my opinion. Some things you cant take back and you'll regret it. If they are there in the background, is it so bad?

It depends what you actually want;

• it sounds like you actually want them to apologise and behave nicely now and going forward?

Uninviting them won't necessarily achieve that, or make them see the error of their ways unfortunately. You'll need to expect that they a) react angrily, call you a drama queen etx and b) don't alter their behaviour.

If you actually want them to improve you likely need to say (calmly, when youre not feeling hurt or emotional) along the lines of;
"I really love you, and I'd really like to have a good relationship with you but when you do/say (insert issues) it really hurts my feelings. I know you mean it as ajoke/don't think it through, but it upsets me, to the point I'm worried about being sad and humiliated on the wedding day. Could you please not do this going forward? Unless you do avtually enjoy making me sad and upset"

However, if you genuinely just don't want them at the wedding at all, even if they were behaving well, then go for it but don't expect them to take it as a firm message to buck their ideas up, instead they will likely double down and become worse. You're effectively punishing them, and I don't think it'll get you the outcome you want. Unless the outcome purely is for them not to be there, but reading your messages you're hurt and worried they will upset you on the day - which is slightly different to not wanting them there.
I hope you have an amazing day either way! Good luck OP

“Hi Mum, if you’d rather miss my wedding than lose a day’s pay, be my guest” (or not!)

Omg, I'm so sorry your dad is an absolute c*!
That is completely out of order.
YANBU to uninvite both!

Deploy the mumsnet classic which also avoids any confrontation.

“ it’s an invite not a summons, just let me know if you are coming or not for the restaurant numbers”

Then shut up and see what they say.

I wouldn’t uninvite them. It will cause a massive hoohah that you don’t need in the run-up, and might also impact on other family attending.
As others have said, just ignore their comments, keep them at arms length, don’t discuss the wedding plans with them etc.
I do this with my own toxic Mum and honestly it’s so much easier than any dramatic gestures or no- contact.

Bloody hell - I am firmly on uninvite! You will be told you are being OTT etc, that they are just jokes, you can't take a joke blah blah but please ignore and see that this reflects on them not you.

Not inviting or even worse uninviting your parents from your wedding however small a ceremony IS likely to have serious consequences. At the very least it’s a signal to friends/ family/ the community and to your parents themselves that you are estranged or that you hate them which is likely to be humiliating for them. I don’t know your parents but I doubt they would take it as lightly as you think they will.

I don’t doubt that they have hurt you and that you want to lash out at them in return, but I would only completely cut off my parents like this if they had done something very extreme.

I look after people when they are dying and this is the kind of thing people look back on with regret and say ‘we had a silly falling out and haven’t been close since’.

None of us are here forever. Don’t do something you’ll regret.

Has your father referred to you with revolting ableist slurs all your life, OP? What does your DP say when your father uses that language to him?

She doesn't need to uninvite them. All she has to do is get married on the weekday she wants. If they choose not to attend that is on them.

This seems to be getting missed. It’s horrific.

I think a lot of people don't have a**holes for parents that make life harder all around neverendingly. I think it's a functional move for a positive life without wowsers and gaslighters. Start your marriage as you mean to go on. They sound like they would be unhelpful, selfish, critical whiny grandparents anyway.

I raised my son having zero to do with my Mother as she was mean from the outset and didn't even hold him as a baby. Glad I got away from the hypercritical behaviour & my son is a police officer &wonderful person with 2 bravery commendations saving 2 lives in his first year. You don't need negative people that bring you down & make problems constantly. Life can be hard enough.

I would take a breath and wait before doing anything. I had a very similar situation with my mum, she didn't come to my wedding but that became more of a drama than her coming to be honest. I also actually now really regret not having her there. I feel for you, sometimes these relationships are so complicated. But you're currently hurt and upset and I wouldn't make a decision right now.

YANBU to be upset by these things. I don’t know the full story but have you ever tried setting a boundary with them? Rather than just uninvite them, set out what you don’t like and tell them it has to stop. And if it doesn’t, then uninvite them.

so the message could look something like “I’ve been quite upset by the comments you have been making about my wedding and it’s spoiling the excitement. I want to make clear this has to stop. Mum, all you have done is complain about taking the day off unpaid but you seem to do this all the time. If you don’t want to come, then ok, don’t. Choosing a weekday makes it affordable for us and we’re grateful to anyone who wishes to celebrate with us. If you don't want to celebrate with us on the day, we can arrange to meet up at a later date. Dad, I’m uncomfortable with some of the things that you have said about me to X. I’m not really sure why, but if you have an objection to us getting married, then please don’t come.
If these comments continue, I will be left with no alternative but to ask you not to attend my wedding or the celebration afterwards. I would rather not do this, but I want to be absolutely clear that your comments are upsetting me, and causing me stress when I should be enjoying this time. I will no longer tolerate negative comments from either of you, and I have made clear what will happen if they do.”

Next time your dad says anything tell him “Dad, I know you think that you’re making funny jokes but actually I’m finding them quite hurtful. I’d appreciate it if you didn’t say things like that again because I don’t find them funny and they’re actually upsetting me a lot - thank you.”

” Mum all you’ve said about my wedding is that you’re having to take a day off work and I understand that you really don’t want to do that.So let’s just keep it simple and say you don’t come, and then you’re not upset about losing a day and I’m not upset about you resenting being there and don’t seem to have excitement about being at my wedding”

From your post it seems like there’s a lot more backstory/context. I think you probably know in your gut how you feel. It’s your day and your memories to cherish. If you don’t want them there un-invite them because they’ll probably ruin the day if they’re already upsetting you and making comments. I married my husband with just the two of us and a couple of local friends as witnesses. It was the most wonderful and special day full of love and just about the two of us and how we felt. Wishing you a wonderful wedding.

I do suggest that you have a conversation with both or write a letter to them such a family day should not exclude people, in the years ahead otherwise you may regret such exclusion so I would give them the opportunity to understand its your day , my sister did this exclusion with our parents and regretted such for life

Its the getting married that is important, so why not cancel the register office altogether, run off to Gretna Green and grab a couple of random witnesses off the street then have a special meal and a few days away, for just the 2 of you. You can then arrange a night out with friends to celebrate when you're back.