To un-invite both of my parents to my wedding?

[GilmoreGirls21]

I am getting married in January. It’s a small registry office style wedding with a sit down meal at a local restaurant afterwards. It’s a week-day because the cost was double on the weekend and there was no availability for quite a while.

The first thing that came out of my mum’s mouth was that she would have to take the day off unpaid. Nothing nice or celebratory about the actual day at all so far. She has the money to take the day off and she regularly takes days off work for other occasions (friends birthdays etc). She is now complaining to everyone about the loss of money.

My dad was more positive but straight away tried to dictate who was going and how the day was going etc, and that sense of entitlement to the day. He has also been making a few comments recently that he thinks is funny but is actually hurtful, and it’s got to the point where I would rather not speak to him if I don’t have to or be around him.

AIBU to un-invite both of my parents to my wedding? And could someone help me draft a message to them both? I have never really confronted them about anything before, I know this will be a big step but I need to do it to avoid them ruining the day.

If someone, especially my df, made nasty comments about my disability i wouldn't even speak to him let alone invite him to my wedding.
He sounds like a poor man's Jim Davidson, are you not embarrassed anyway having a father like him?
As for your dm, she's a moaning Minnie.

Your dad's attitude and vocabulary wouldn't be out of place in the 1970s. They are spectacularly horrible and ablist slurs and I can't believe that he said them to his own daughter.

Absolutely uninvite them from your wedding. You should only have guests who love you and are happy for you.

I watched a friend of mine who is in a wheelchair being ‘walked’ down the aisle by her dad and brother. She cannot walk.
They spent weeks rehearsing it - God knows how they did it - but it looked like she was floating.
She was able to walk until her 20’s. We are all used to her chair, she is, but she just wanted a special moment and there wasn’t a dry eye in the house - a small wedding.
If your dad is referring to you with a words which rhymes with plastic and tipple, then he wouldn’t be welcome with me, period.
And making comments to your fiance like that as if you are a non-person is even worse.
I wouldn’t have either of them there and I would not give one toss if it upset them.
Your dad does not need to be told he is hurtful. He knows, even if he tried to call it all out as banter.
It is not. It is absolutely disgusting.
As for your mother, Lord knows why she had children at all.
Have your wedding with respectful people, and enjoy your day.
I am old enough to be your mum probably and I am so sad for you.,

poster, I have sent you a PM

Are your parents together or separated?

I’d suggest messaging your mum with a ‘compassionate’ note saying you’ve heard how she feels it would be too financially difficult to take the day off so you will take back the invitation and you can find it another time to celebrate together. That recognises her difficulties and shows you as trying to help her rather than take something from her.

Could you talk to your dad and say it’s great for him to want to be at your wedding to celebrate with you however you do not want this special day by insults which only he sees as comedy. So he has the choice to attend and be polite from now on or to not attend. That leaves the ball in his court and you are not taking anything away from him.

I wouldn't offer an explanation, @GilmoreGirls21 , as they will probably see that as an opportunity to argue and negotiate. I would say something along the lines of 'you've both been quite vocal about not liking our wedding plans. We've decided to change our plans and you're no longer invited'.

one of my usual questions. What took you so long?

Babe, they sound awful. Just call them out on it, ask your dad to explain his remarks about your health. See what he says. Then make your mind up about what you do about him. Hopefully mum will see this and stfu

I don't get paid for time off but I would absolutely take the time off for my childs wedding and I would not be complaining about it!

It's yours and your partners special day. If you don't want them there don't have them there. If you do, and they upset you, you'll wish you had uninvited them but it will be too late! From all you say, I think you are more likely to regret having them there than not.

I would actually be quite honest and say that I wanted the day to be a special memory and sadly, you don't feel supported by them and as such would rather they weren't there. I think the reaction you get will be telling. If they react with any kind of anger, you'll know you were right. If they are remorseful and apologetic then maybe there is something there to work with.

Ok Elizabeth Taylor

Just tell them the truth, that you don't want them to come because it will ruin the day for you as they have been so unkind in their comments.

Just say sorry you feel that way Mum. As you keep saying this, I am feeling guilty and I don’t want you out of pocket so no need to come.

OP, as an only child, you absolutely have the whip hand here. Next time your DM complains about having to take a day off and losing money, you say, “Oh don’t worry, DM: you don’t have to come if it’s going to be such an expensive inconvenience, and in fact, if you mention it again, then you definitely won’t be coming.” Ditto to your DF - “If my physical disabilities are too much for you to bear, then don’t come - I can quite understand how you would find it embarrassing to be at the wedding of your only daughter who through no fault if her own suffers disabilities, and indeed, if you refer to me as a c…. again or make disparaging remarks about my rollator, you won’t have the choice to come.” I assure you, your DPs will both want to come to your wedding, not least because in the case of your DM, her friends would be so surprised if she were not to be invited, so make sure they come on your terms.

I would make up a spurious excuse and cancel it.

Rearrange the date and don’t breathe a word to them until afterwards.

Words are wasted on people like this, they’ll just thrive on them and it will all become an enjoyable drama for them.

Take a huge step back, because they aren’t kind or loyal to you.

Good for you. Will you invite them to your next wedding?

You should tell them how you feel about their comments. But you shouldn't uninvite them, no. I'd say that not inviting (or disinviting) your parents to your wedding is pretty much the equivalent of them disinheriting you. Don't underestimate the effect it may have on them and on your future relationship. This is not the way to start being more assertive with them.

You need to stand up to them rather than un-invite.

OR ignore them and cut back on contact and do something with the wedding that will specifically p them off!

As a very old lady I spend a lot of time regretting things I did, said etc. in the past which seemed right at the time. They were crass remarks but were they serious enough to ban them from their daughter's wedding? If you do and subsequently have children, will you continue banning them, not allowing them any relationship with their grandchildren? A lifetime ban?
Tell them you're annoyed, upset or whatever, give them space to apologise when they see how their remarks have hurt you.

The first thing that came out of my mum’s mouth was that she would have to take the day off unpaid. Nothing nice or celebratory about the actual day at all so far. She has the money to take the day off and she regularly takes days off work for other occasions (friends birthdays etc). She is now complaining to everyone about the loss of money

Unbelievable.

Don't listen to that first poster. You have one parent who sounds so self-absorbed that it borders on narcissism, and the other who sounds domineering and controlling. I think the reason why you're mum is having such a moan about it is because she wants you, her own daughter, to feel obligated to her for attending her own daughter's wedding, ffs. Or, she may even expect you to pay her to attend.

Not wonder you don't want to invite them. I feel so much for you OP that if you lived close to me, I'd come to your wedding for emotional support, and I'm a stranger.

If you uninvite them, then they will either backtrack (in which case I wouldn't listen to it because they're likely to act up on the day), or they'll have a serious sulk. It may be the right course of action, but just prepare yourself for a very bad reaction.

That would wind me up too and I'd send them something like -

Hi both, I've been looking at my budget and talking things over with friends/partner and we've decided to reduce numbers for my wedding day and party. It was a difficult decision to make and I'm sorry for the backtracking. Part of the decision comes down to who was most excited and happy to attend and I realise it will save mum money by not attending. I was sad mum expressed concern about the day off work, before congratulating me on my wedding day, but there are no hard feelings. I'm also taking full control of my special day so I have had to choose only guests who haven't tried to plan the day for me - sorry dad. I would have loved to see you both there but I feel it's the right decision to prioritise other guests.

I'd love to plan a separate day with you both to celebrate - I'll let you and mum come back with a more convenient day for you both.

You'd be well within your rights to ditch your father entirely from your life.

Rather than uninvite him to your wedding, why don’t you confront his hurtful comments? Tell your mum don’t worry about taking the day off, don’t want you to lose money, we will celebrate at another time

I'm sorry but it sounds as if you've never had parents like this.

It's easy to dish out flippant advice like 'stand up to them' over the internet, isn't it? But how exactly do you propose she do that? She can't sellotape their mouths shut.

Other than threatening to cut off all contact if they ruin her wedding day, there is no 'standing up' to people like this without there being some consequences, and they will likely act up on the day.

You could say, in a very calm, low drama way, that as they don't seem keen, have not congratulated you, are worried about missing out on income, even though they are happy to lose income for friend's birthdays, you think it is best they don't attend. It's your day and you only want people there who are 100% supportive and loving. You'd love that list to include your own parents, which is why you invited them in the first place, but their reaction has knocked you back, so unless they are willing to enter into the spirit of being positive, encouraging and loving, they are welcome to go to work on that day, as usual, if that would make them happier.

You can uninvite them but it’s the kind of thing that means you could be NC with them until death so it’s really contemplating if that’s what you want. Seeing what your Father said about your disability I think that in your case it’s totally validated. But it’s your life op. I see so many go NC with relatives on MN for minor issues but this really isn’t. I’m NC with one sister, we all are. Awful stuff won’t explain as do not want to hijack thread.

As it’s a registry office they cannot just turn up and can be asked to leave whereas at a church wedding anyone can attend and I mean a random member of the public can take a pew.

I wish I could give you a hug and make a fuss of you. I love weddings and have been to 36. From really expensive huge 3 day affairs to the most simple inexpensive ceremony, loved them all.