To un-invite both of my parents to my wedding?

[GilmoreGirls21]

I am getting married in January. It’s a small registry office style wedding with a sit down meal at a local restaurant afterwards. It’s a week-day because the cost was double on the weekend and there was no availability for quite a while.

The first thing that came out of my mum’s mouth was that she would have to take the day off unpaid. Nothing nice or celebratory about the actual day at all so far. She has the money to take the day off and she regularly takes days off work for other occasions (friends birthdays etc). She is now complaining to everyone about the loss of money.

My dad was more positive but straight away tried to dictate who was going and how the day was going etc, and that sense of entitlement to the day. He has also been making a few comments recently that he thinks is funny but is actually hurtful, and it’s got to the point where I would rather not speak to him if I don’t have to or be around him.

AIBU to un-invite both of my parents to my wedding? And could someone help me draft a message to them both? I have never really confronted them about anything before, I know this will be a big step but I need to do it to avoid them ruining the day.

Uninvite them. Why would you want someone like this at your wedding (or in your life at all)?

Just elope. More romantic & a hell of a lot less stress (& money.) You concentrate on each other rather than pesky others.

Is it really that much of a stretch to take a day off to attend your child’s weekday wedding?! Jesus!

Congratulations
.
You know your parents and the tone whey will bring to the day.

They will have form!

Its a tricky one. If I remarry, no family (my side) would be invited.

suggestion -

Mum and Dad, I didnt expect our wedding plans to cause you any significant stress - that wasnt my intention. As our plan is causing so much stress I am happy to have the wedding ceremony and meal without you there.

If you would like to celebrate with Fiance and I in another way which doesnt upset you, do let me know what you would like to do and when.

You made a plan, they sh*t on it, so they dont come and they can take the burden of a seperate intimate celebration.

All the best.

I guess none on them would have cared anyway after that many times .

As for OP, I would uninvite them, they sound horrible.

I'd uninvite them from my whole life.

Remember that it's your big day and you can choose to have the day that you want. I would gently give your parents the option of not attending and say you will understand. If they don't take you up on it and continue with negative comments, please don't listen and close the conversation down with you can choose not to come. Sorry they are not being supportive, spend time with the people who are.

So do you never take a day off work then? I assume not if taking a day off for your child's wedding is deemed a waste what could be more important?

Have you actually told them how they make you feel? Seems drastic to jump to uninviting them if you haven't actually set some boundaries with them first.

Not sure how you set boundaries with a dad who thinks it’s fine to use ableist slurs to his own daughter, to be honest.

Uninvite them They will suck the joy from your day and your overriding memories will be of how they ruined your special occasion.

Dear Mum and Dad

Mum, I'm so sad that the only feeling you've expressed about my upcoming wedding is your resentment that you'll lose a day of pay.

Dad, you've really hurt me with your unkind remarks about my illness, especially when you call me a c*e and refer to my rollator as a smobile. It seems like you often try to belittle me or make me feel bad. I don't know why.

My wedding is a really important day - one that I will remember for the rest of my life. It makes me so sad to say this, but I don't think either of you will be there wanting the best for me, in a spirit of joy and celebration. I think it's best for all of us if you don't come, so I can experience my big day without feeling sad or small.

I think you should have the people who will make you happy on your wedding day. How far away is it until the day?

My own parents were adamant they were not coming to mine until the day before, when it was announced as a great gift they were giving me. It was nice to have them there as they behaved themselves mostly, but I haven’t ever really forgiven the months in the run up of comments (15/20 years later). With hindsight I think I should have stuck with ‘it is what we’ve picked, hope to see you there but that’s up to yourselves’ and not engaged otherwise.

You could (politely) say they only need come if they want to, and if it's inconvenient you'd "quite understand" (and do nothing to make it convenient).
Sadly you may also have to make it clear that disability-related remarks are not acceptable - if your dad makes comments to your partner, the partner should shut this down immediately. As should anyone else.
Not sure how much it matters to you if you become more distant from parents - doubt it would be helpful having argument / drama with them.

Mum, I am really sad that instead of being happy for me and looking forward to my wedding, you seem entirely focused on the fact that if you attend, you’ll lose money. If that’s really the case and I matter so little to you, I will entirely understand if you don’t want to come.

Dad, your comments to me are outrageous and unacceptable. Can you you explain why you think it’s ok to treat your daughter in this way? If this is really what you think, perhaps it’s best if you don’t come to my wedding.

Bounces the ball firmly into their court.

Why would your mum lose a day's pay? Doesn't she get paid AL?

I would stick with the date you want and if they choose not to come that is on them.

Congratulations. I hope you have a lovely day.

That is so sad for you. It's a very emotional time for you when you have a back story with both your parents. You don't want to ruin your day or your relationship with them.

Firstly I would sit them down and explain how you are feeling.
I'd call your Dad out for upsetting you and saying things that are hurtful.

Explain you want to have a wonderful wedding day and would very much like them to be part of it, so if they could put you first that would be wonderful.

If they then don't respect your wishes, you have every right to say that you think maybe best if they don't attend if they cannot be happy for you and want to share in your special day.

Hopefully this will make them see it's your special day.

Good luck.

My getting engaged led me to finally go NC with my mother.

She kicked off 18m before the wedding date because I hadn’t sent her an invitation so must obviously have planned to exclude her which, it then followed, meant that I had spent my life telling people how awful she was and if they met her they would discover was an evil liar I was. In fact I HAD spent most of my life explaining that my mother was awful, but that I didn’t think she could help it as she was damaged and mentally ill - and I had been planning to pay for her to come to the Uk, stay in a lovely hotel and be part of my wedding. Until that point, that is. Because at that point I realised everything would always be about her, that I would never be able to hope she could reign herself in for one day and, luckily for me, my husband to be got a front row seat to the fuckwittery of my childhood. Until then he though it was just mother-daughter BS that everyone went through. We decided together that we didn;t want this for the next 30, 40, 50 years of my life and didn’t want our kids exposed to it. So NC.

I can’t necessarily advice you to do the same (my mum was overseas, so it wasn’t like we would every bump into each other), but yes, I would absolutely uninvite them both. I’d suggest just including them at the meal, but it sounds as though your mum would spend the whole thing moaning about having been excluded from the ceremony, even though it would have been to spare her having to take a day off; and your dad will still complain. I think it’s never too late to teach consequences for shitty behaviour, and parents need to learn this lesson as often as their children.

It’s YOUR day, your wedding, and the start of your life as part of a new family unit. Provided you have the support of your partner, I would un-invite away. Invitations to special life events, and involvement in your life more generally, should be predicated on people behaving with love towards you, of being in your corner, of enriching your life. It doesn’t sound as though your parents have earned their place.

By telling him he needs to stop using them if he wants to be part of her life?

Absolutely uninvite him. This is unforgivable. It isn’t low level at all.

Why would one have to tell one’s father they were upset about being called the things he said? Why else would he be saying them? It would be more bizarre if she wasn’t upset.

Just be tactful and remember it is your day so that is what matters. I got married both times without my parents as overseas and it didn't bother me. Parents divorced, would be carry on by my narc mother so glad it wasn't even a starter.

Do you care if the fall out from them in them not being around you or even talking to you going forward?

I image they'd be deeply hurt and there will be fall out from that. My parents were diffcult about things before hand even on day before- but fine on day and after when IL were playing up.

I do in some respects wish we'd stuck to first plan and married abroad but IL were planning to stick to us like burs till we got back to UK and my family seemed disappointed as travel would have been harder for them. We enjoyed the day - registery office then meal after - but it did seem to be more about our families than us TBH and not sure we have that many fond memories - now IL make a huge fuss of anniversay when I think we're less bothered.

Message wise - we've had a re-think and think it best you do not come on the day - it seems to be causing problems for you - something alone those lines.

Isn’t that a given though? So you have to tell loved ones to not use abusive language? That sounds rather the wrong way round.