To un-invite both of my parents to my wedding?

[GilmoreGirls21]

I am getting married in January. It’s a small registry office style wedding with a sit down meal at a local restaurant afterwards. It’s a week-day because the cost was double on the weekend and there was no availability for quite a while.

The first thing that came out of my mum’s mouth was that she would have to take the day off unpaid. Nothing nice or celebratory about the actual day at all so far. She has the money to take the day off and she regularly takes days off work for other occasions (friends birthdays etc). She is now complaining to everyone about the loss of money.

My dad was more positive but straight away tried to dictate who was going and how the day was going etc, and that sense of entitlement to the day. He has also been making a few comments recently that he thinks is funny but is actually hurtful, and it’s got to the point where I would rather not speak to him if I don’t have to or be around him.

AIBU to un-invite both of my parents to my wedding? And could someone help me draft a message to them both? I have never really confronted them about anything before, I know this will be a big step but I need to do it to avoid them ruining the day.

What happens when your dad is using abusive lanaguge - is it being made plain it's not funny and deeply hurtful and offensive?

Is a calm that is utterly inapporiate from DP and/or you having no effect ?

Are you serious? You'd begrudge taking a paid day off work to attend your own child's wedding??

Do it.
But honestly, cut your father off permanently and see as little as your mother as possible.
Enjoy your day.

i can't imagine being so uptight about work that you would complain about a day off for your childs wedding! My Dd got married on a Friday people came nobody complained

If he really needs to be told that it’s inappropriate to use such awful ableist slurs when addressing his own disabled daughter - or any disabled person for that matter, I think OP is on a hiding to nothing.

I agree with @Happyjoe. Someone who loves their children dearly begrudging taking a day of annual leave to go to their own child's wedding doesn't compute for me!

Wow! Just wow! 😮

I wouldn't begrudge a day's AL to attend my daughter's wedding.

It says more about you than you think.

My goodness OP, I saw your update about the specific derogatory comments from your dad. I dont know how he was invited in the first place!
He has 0 understanding of disability, 0 compassion for you (his own daughter), 0 sense of "reading the room". I'd say you dont even owe him an explanation - maybe just that his comments and views on disabled people are utterly offensive and vile, hence you're done with him.
As to your mum, she sounds pretty awful too. However, perhaps if you explain how she's made you feel, give her a chance to apologize and change attitude? You know her best though and whether a conversation would be worth your efforts.

Ooooh I like this. It calls out the behaviours and comments made, giving them an opportunity to explain/apologise or defend/dig in. In which case you’ll have your answer of what to do. Can’t rationalise with irrational people.

My mum is very overbearing and when she made a comment when I told her I was getting married my fiance (now husband) very quickly put her in her place. What did your fiance say when your dad said that?

I think your husband needs to have a very firm word with your parents without you there. He needs to tell your dad to stop making hurtful comments, and ask your mum if she actually wants to be at her daughters wedding, because she seems fine taking a day off for her friends birthday but when it comes to her daughters wedding all she has been is negative when it is a joyful occasion and she is souring it, and if it is that much of an inconvenience would she rather not come? I would imagine hearing all of that would be sobering for both of them and they would reign it in.

It sounds like if your dad was not making those comments you would maybe want him there, but do not want your mum there anyway.

You wouldn't take one day out of 25 days leave for your children's wedding? What?! Would you be willing to contribute to the thousands of pounds more it would cost them to have a weekend wedding?

Imagine a guest saying 'why aren't your parent's come to the wedding?' 'Oh, they did not want to take the time off'. So cold.

Change the date to a week earlier then tell them the day before the old date that you already married and there’s nothing to attend.

I think you could turn it back onto them and say
Look if it really is going to be such an imposition losing a days pay then feel free to decline . Just pop over for a celebratory drink or some thing when they've finished work . Haha I'd like to see their faces myself .

Just tell her “it’s an invitation not a summons and you don’t need to take the day off” and to your dad 😱 what did your boyfriend say? Please don’t say he just laughed it off?!!

WTF is with all the PP telling OP they should be at her wedding?

It sounds like honestly OP couldn't give a fuck if she doesn't speak to them again. Straw - Camel - Back. Her wedding is the straw.

Disinvite them. Do it your way where you can enjoy the day. It sounds lovely and honestly it doesn't sounds like they would do anything but make the day shite for you.

Sorry you have shite parents.

My love, @GilmoreGirls21 yanbu

wr got married a couple of months ago, us and the witnesses

one of dh adult kids is challenging, with an absolute nightmare of a mother who went out of her way to destroy any pleasant time with their DD, and had we got married years ago I decided we could not risk the ex sabotaging the day, so it would never have been a big family event, cos my lot are challenging too.

years passed and and I entertained relenting on my decision but we all met up and clearly the exw has done a sterling job of programming her now adult daughter to pick up where she left off. So when we set a date for the wedding, it was clear that we couldn’t invite anyone, because to do so would specifically exclude her, her sisters, and that would create hurt and harm and it’s not the dd’s fault, but it’s still our day and I didn’t want it being ruined.

we had the exact day we wanted, it was intimate and so touching. we got married and took the witnesses for dinner. We’re old, this is for inheritance purposes mostly anyway

why not change things a bit to have members of your close family as witnesses and then meet all the rest of the people you want to celebrate with at the restaurant

then tell your parents that you’re not having a big ceremony, no guests just witnesses and so they don’t have anything to attend anymore.

then meet up with the people you want to see afterwards, the parents are not invited

The bottom line is its your decision wether you disinvite them and i dont think you are being unreasonable
I would ask you to consider wether better communication could resolve this.
Your Mum: Mum i realise you will have to take a days unpaid holiday to attend our wedding, but understand if you don't think its worth the loss of a days pay. Please let me know.
Your Dad: Dad please stop "joking" about my health issues/disabilities it s crass, insensitive and very hurtful.We want to feel happy and relaxed on our wedding day so please could you behave in a respectful way and stop saying such painful things. Please let me know if you able to attend under these terms.

This ^

You don’t need that in your wedding. You don’t need that in your life.

Just tell them not to attend. Don’t offer any further explanation.

I admire your forgiving nature, If my father had spoken to me like that I would have gone NC.

I hope you have a wonderful day

I would say you were both invited because I wanted you there as my parents to help me celebrate .However if the financial loss from taking a day off is too much for you then feel free to still go into work . But if you are going to attend please stop complaining about missing out on your pay .Dad shut the you're not funny.

I don't have any advice. I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you were "blessed" with such shit parents. Who the fuck says stuff like that, never mind to their own kids.

You absolutely can rescind their invite. You do need to be prepared for that to permanently alter the relationship. Even if you think they will forgive you, they may see the situation differently.

Incredible isn't it? When my son got married, DW and I had to take 4 days to go to the celebrations (travel etc). With both of us being self-employed, that meant we didn't get paid at all. In fact, we added a few days onto the end and made a short holiday of it (by ourselves not with the bridal couple)

Oh well … there’s always the 5th

I'm just dying to know what actually is important enough to happliy take a day off work for?! I would've thought your son or daughter getting married would be a no brainer, but maybe I'm just a sentimental old fart 😉