AIBU to be irritated by my in-laws criticising nursery for my toddler

[BabyElephant120]

I’ve signed my almost-two-year-old up for nursery starting in September. I’ve just had my second baby and won’t be working, but I felt nursery would be the best thing for my very active toddler.

My mother-in-law is very much against the idea. Her reasoning is that my daughter is too young and that she won’t be spending enough time with family. She has also offered to help instead, but I don’t feel this is a realistic alternative. She travels quite often, so I don’t find her particularly reliable when it comes to providing consistent childcare. More importantly, I want my daughter to have the opportunity to learn, develop and socialise in an age-appropriate environment with trained professionals and other children, rather than spending all day with adults and having casual playtime at home.

When my MIL first raised the subject, I diplomatically said that we would see how nursery goes and could always reassess if it didn’t seem right for my daughter.

A few weeks later, my FIL brought the subject up and said it was “unheard of” in his day for children that age to go to nursery. He also pointed out that his wife raised two children under two without any help and without sending them to nursery.

What particularly annoyed me about this was that I had already had the conversation with my MIL. I had deliberately tried to be diplomatic and had said that we would see how it goes and could always adjust if it didn’t seem right for our daughter. So when my FIL then raised the exact same issue with me a few weeks later, it felt very much like my MIL had gone away, discussed it with him and asked him to speak to me about it. I found that quite intrusive and, frankly, it made me much angrier than the original conversation.

My husband completely supports sending our daughter to nursery and tells me to ignore the comments. And logically, I know I should. But I’m finding it really difficult to let it go.

I think what’s making me so angry is the feeling that they feel entitled to weigh in on a parenting decision that my husband and I have made for our own child. I also find the comparison to how they raised their children quite frustrating. Parenting has changed, circumstances are different, and what worked for them 30+ years ago doesn’t necessarily mean it’s what we should do now.

AIBU to be so irritated by their comments?Has anyone else been in a similar situation with grandparents having strong opinions about nursery/childcare?

You’re not obliged to listen, you know. Just hold up a hand and say ‘Derek, respectfully, “your day” was back when dinosaurs walked the earth.’

Just ignore them

I'd do the broken record thing, personally.

First time: "we've made our decision and we're really happy with it. Anyway did you see the football yesterday..."

Next time: "Sandra, we've made our decision."

Every time after that: "we've made our decision."

Use the exact same words so the repetition reeeeally hits home.

What they did and what was common then bears no relation to anything. Did nursery for under 2s even exist in the 80s?

Just refuse to engage: “This choice works well for our family” every time they bring it up.

If they do bring it up again your husband needs to stop telling YOU to ignore it and instead tell THEM very clearly to pack it in. If this goes unchecked you will hear every opinion on every decision you make from here on out.

Or possible something less ageist...

Children going to nursery at 2 when parents don’t need it for work is a relatively new thing so I can see why they are surprised. That said you have made the choice that works for you so it’s nothing to do with them.

One time only say this is not your business the subject is not up for discussion. Next time they raise it say "I'm not interested" stand up and walk away

The OP specifically says her FIL was pontificating about how nursery was ‘unheard of in my day’. I don’t think there’s anything ageist about pointing out that, thankfully, those days are a distant memory.

This would irritate me too because it's none of their business.
Interesting that they don't feel the need to raise their (interfering) concerns with their son.
They are also wrong. Perhaps they weren't called nurseries back then but I, along with everyone I knew, sent our children to playgroups. They were probably less regulated but it's where we sent our children to play with other children.

I’d ask your husband to point out that questioning your choices makes you less likely to want to use them and involve them not more

Tell you FIL to come over and look after your 2-year-old and baby for a weekend by himself then ask him if he still thinks it’s easy

Yes the ‘play group’ I went to as a child is now a preschool. I sent both children there from age 2, starting with a couple of mornings a week. I think if you are talking about sending them to a nursery from 7am until 6pm 5 days a week when you are not working then that is a whole different thing. But I think it is really of benefit to have them attend some sort of setting before they start school.

Was it the 80s that Op's mil had very young children in?

Agree. There are plenty of very judgemental young people judging other parents childcare arrangements

🤣 Yes, yes!

This is your decisions as her parents, so it’s nothing to do with them, which I would diplomatically tell them.

I bet they won't argue if it comes from your dh..

Highly likely 80’s or 90’s I’m an 80’s baby and my parents are in their 70’s.

Huh?

there have been playgroups for preschoolers and playgroups for all ages between 0-5 since at least the 1970s.

my kids went to a playgroup, I went to playgroup in the early 80s

strictly on the facts your FIL is wrong.

generally about 2-3 is when it’s recommended

Any comments that could be understood to be criticizing our parenting are bloody enraging.

Be confident in your choice OP. You know yourself and your kids best.

Tell them so, repeatly.

You will have years of people giving you their worthless thoughts about your parenting. Give the same reply each time.
'we're fine thanks'
'thanks, we're really happy with our choice'
(Thanks is obviously not genuine)

They aren’t criticising without offering an alternative if they’re saying they’d like to look after her and lots of people would prefer a two year old to be with family having one to one time than nursery. Two is tiny. But as you’ve made yourself clear hopefully they won’t mention it again.

I put my 2 year old daughters in nursery on days im not working because it's great for them socially and developmentally. They enjoy it and I think it's important that they go. Only 2 days a week at the moment but thinking of increasing the days in the future.

Just tell you PIL that you don't want to discuss it as it is your decision about your child.
In the 80s and 90s there were playgroups where parents could leave their kids for a few hours but these are rare now...definitley none where I live. There are toddler groups but you have to stay too.
My girls do a couple of toddler groups a week and nursery twice a week for now

When I started school in 1963, there was only one child in a class of 46 who had gone to nursery, and I literally started the half term of my 5th birthday. Looking back I was so ill prepared for sharing and playing with other children, and incredibly shy... I think you are doing the right thing @BabyElephant120 and giving your child an excellent head start in life. Just get on and ignore the in-laws.

FFS it’s good for their socialisation and making friends before infant school - my DS14 is still best buddies with his best nursery friend! They actually learn more too - tell them to keep their sticky beaks out! … perhaps more tactfully… via your DH 😂

My grandma worked in a nursery in the 1950s.

I went to play-school in the 1980s. It was just a less formal, less regulated, more part-time version of pre-school nurseries.

The environment of raising young children has changed. There are fewer, smaller families for social bonding with. Even fewer avaliable with childcare to cover increased numbers of mums working full time or full days while part-time. Full time being with young children can be very socially isolating.

Gone are the days of sticking baby in the pram down the garden for a nap whether they cried or not so you could get your jobs done. The pressure and attention load of expectation is a lot more demanding.

There's no point having a set up with Grandparents that you know from the start will not be consistently avaliable even before other life-stuff crops up. Plus they sound like know-it-alls with a high risk of overstepping and not listening to reason anyway.

My work hours varied a lot in my DCs early years, but they did consistently have nursery places from 10m for consistency of provision. When they weren't there for childcare, their part-time hours were useful in getting life-stuff done without minding them at the same time and did wonders for my sanity.