AIBU to be irritated by my in-laws criticising nursery for my toddler

[BabyElephant120]

I’ve signed my almost-two-year-old up for nursery starting in September. I’ve just had my second baby and won’t be working, but I felt nursery would be the best thing for my very active toddler.

My mother-in-law is very much against the idea. Her reasoning is that my daughter is too young and that she won’t be spending enough time with family. She has also offered to help instead, but I don’t feel this is a realistic alternative. She travels quite often, so I don’t find her particularly reliable when it comes to providing consistent childcare. More importantly, I want my daughter to have the opportunity to learn, develop and socialise in an age-appropriate environment with trained professionals and other children, rather than spending all day with adults and having casual playtime at home.

When my MIL first raised the subject, I diplomatically said that we would see how nursery goes and could always reassess if it didn’t seem right for my daughter.

A few weeks later, my FIL brought the subject up and said it was “unheard of” in his day for children that age to go to nursery. He also pointed out that his wife raised two children under two without any help and without sending them to nursery.

What particularly annoyed me about this was that I had already had the conversation with my MIL. I had deliberately tried to be diplomatic and had said that we would see how it goes and could always adjust if it didn’t seem right for our daughter. So when my FIL then raised the exact same issue with me a few weeks later, it felt very much like my MIL had gone away, discussed it with him and asked him to speak to me about it. I found that quite intrusive and, frankly, it made me much angrier than the original conversation.

My husband completely supports sending our daughter to nursery and tells me to ignore the comments. And logically, I know I should. But I’m finding it really difficult to let it go.

I think what’s making me so angry is the feeling that they feel entitled to weigh in on a parenting decision that my husband and I have made for our own child. I also find the comparison to how they raised their children quite frustrating. Parenting has changed, circumstances are different, and what worked for them 30+ years ago doesn’t necessarily mean it’s what we should do now.

AIBU to be so irritated by their comments?Has anyone else been in a similar situation with grandparents having strong opinions about nursery/childcare?

This.

We both worked part time and sacrificed career progression in order to avoid sending our kids to nursery before 3 (when it starts to be beneficial).

I am a parents to two boys, so will always be the in-law. If my future DIL decides to put her 2yo into nursery when she is at home with a baby I will admit my eyebrows would raise internally. But as has been proven by this thread I would be a fool to say anything.

I was going to say something similar. And without being judgemental - my DD went to nursery at 1. Although that was out of necessity as we both had to go back to work.

OP you don’t say how many days a week she’s going and for how long?

In all honesty, I can understand their surprise a bit if you’re not working, and if she’s going full time. If I didn’t want two children at home at the same time, I’d wait until the first was in school before having the second. (I won’t be having a second because I wasn’t young when I had DD, so by the time she goes to school I’ll be wayyy too old and tired haha!)

Would the grandparents commit to doing every Monday, for example? I know you’ve said they’re unreliable so in that context their judgement is misplaced!

FYI my DD goes Tuesday-Thursday and she’s always totally knackered on Friday, it’s a really easy day for grandma, who has her that day, as DD just wants to stay in and snooze! My mum is a total hero though and fully committed to every Friday for us.

I think it’s important to separate that (1) they don’t get to make decisions about your kids and I can totally see how their behaviour was annoying and (2) they may still have legitimate points.

Just because it’s common now for parents to be forced to put their very young kids in nursery does not mean that that is the best thing for the children. The best research on this shows that children benefit from nursery from pre-school age. Before that, as long as it’s a good nursery, it’s neutral (ie not bad, but not as good as being at home). Since, in this case, you will be off work, i can see why people who love your child might wonder about your decision, but it really depends on how many hours you’re talking about. A limited amount of time to give you time with the baby/a break is obviously very different from 5 days a week 8-6.

If you were able to commit to doing a day a week, no matter what, I bet they’d be eternally grateful. My mum did this, and DP has Mondays off so we send her 3 days a week. It’s enough, I’d hate to have to send her more.

I appreciate a lot of grandparents are still working though!

Assuming that older people don’t know what they are talking about is incredibly immature.

Perhaps they have a point. Try considering it. Surely no need to resent people for having their own point of view!

I would worry about the 2 year old feeling displaced by the baby.

OP, I have always pushed back very firmly when my in laws overstep their place. I would be very direct and say to FIL and MIL that it’s your and DH’s decision to make, you have already been clear about the reasons, as parents it is for you and DH to decide what is in your toddler’s best interests and it is unhelpful for them to openly criticise the decision once again as you have already heard MIL’s opinion.

I would honestly just call out the fact that they are being inappropriate and overstepping a boundary. If you don’t, they will next come up with another criticism and you may have years of this. They are being controlling with their ‘solution’ and need to back off.

This may sound hardcore but they will need direction and training on what is unacceptable and pushy. It will bruise the relationship but they will probably back off. You hold the cards here as mum and they will realise that once you cut short their attempt to control and manipulate you.

You haven't answered if its full time or just a few short sessions.
As a trained nursery teacher of dinosaur age but having worked in the sector for over 35 years and therefore I feel having a valid opinion.
I would be surprised at sending a two year old more than a couple of morning sessions IF you dont have to work.
Totally different if you do. Nurseries do an excellent job ,but home is best for that age group.

I think your in laws have a valid point, though not perhaps expressed well.

“Equally Derek they used to tell you to put your children to sleep on their stomachs -look how well that turned out”.
“Thanks for your advice Derek but we are happy with our decision “

My mum was a stay at home mum. Dad was an engineer.
Grandmother and great grandmother not fr way who would happily have looked after me - and did.
Mum sent me to nursery two mornings a week from being two.
I was an only child and she knew l needed socialising with my peers. This was the 1970s. So Derek it WASNT ‘unheard of’.

My mum is bossy, opinionated and still scares the shit out of me.
Only once did she try to tell me how to parent DD.

Get your DH to have a word to reinforce that you, the parents , are happy with your decision. Pleased DH is backing you.

2 year olds don’t socialise. If you need the break, that’s fine, but don’t pretend it’s for the good of your daughter. If you’re sending her full time, while at home yourself, I’d say that’s quite extreme and I can understand why your in-laws would be surprised.

Having said this, it’s your child and your choice, and your in-laws should back off.

Of course two-year-olds socialise.
I have a nine-week-old baby that socialises, FGS.

You might mean two-year-olds don't play together, or don't swap numbers to organise a nice coffee and natter with each other. But they do socialise - we are social animals. It is quite important for two year olds to get to see and respond to people around them. They watch; they copy; they get interested in what other people are doing. A very young baby really only needs to see mum, but even tiny babies benefit from having siblings around to entertain them, and by two, yes, a child is better off with other children for company.

90’s

It would be from 9am to 4pm or 9am to 1pm 5 days a week for consistency and to build a routine. She hasn’t started yet so we are waiting to see how it goes. We will start with less hours to begin with.

YANBU for being irritated but you might need to get used to this. An involved GP is great but it works both ways and they will have opinions. Which they are entitled to have, but they need to learn when to keep it to themselves, or express them once then let it go. You are the parent, you know you are right. Who cares what happened 30 years ago. Circumstances are different. I also think childcare is of a much higher quality now than 30 years ago too.

Their “alternative” is unrealistic and won’t be consistent.

Research doesn’t show that children under three need regular peer relationships for healthy social development.

Their primary social and emotional needs at this age are met through responsive relationships with their parents.

Children can certainly benefit from opportunities to be around other children, but that isn’t the same thing as needing nursery or sustained peer relationships before age three.

When my in laws question anything about parental choices, I always say ‘you need to speak to DH on that one.’ Every time. Even if they ignore and try to go on about the same topic ‘you need to speak to DH on that.’

they get annoyed, and don’t generally raise it to DH. But it’s my go-to response to shut any old boring shit like that down.

MIL has hinted a couple of times and pretty sure has mentioned to my DH and finally brought the topic up with me too. I have a 3 month old who also needs and deserves the same attention my toddler had when she was her age. My toddler needs constant attention and entertaining leaving me with no time for my new born or any other day to day things I need to do.

It is clear that my toddler is much happier when we’re at a playground or in a playgroup than when we are at home. I now have a new born so sadly I am not able to take her out as much given that I would have to leave my new born unattended to run around after my toddler.

Either 4 or 6 hours a week. We will start with 4 and see how it goes.

We’ve made our decision and repeat.

Or tell them to speak to their son.

You are doing the right thing for your family. Ultimately that’s what matters.

You have to build a thick skin and let people’s comments bounce off you. They’re being very rude though!

I can see both sides opinions, i had my daughter in the 90's and should have enrolled her in a nursery before school as it was a huge shock to her and a huge struggle as a working mum seeing her so distressed. I had my son in 00's and he went from 18 months , he absolutely loved it and transitioned to school with no drama or fuss, he is sociable and can talk to anyone.

However I did miss so much time with him but circumstances did not allow me to stay at home for the 2nd.

My mother in law who was the same age as my grandparents had a lot to say about it, but she was firmly told opinions are like arseholes everyone has one !!!

She was a bloody difficult woman and it was a struggle sometimes to let what she said slide and not react.

As you are the mum you know best, remind them of that

Either 4 or 6 hours a day 5 days a week. We will start with 4 and see how it goes.

I think she’s too young, certainly for 9-4 five days a week if you have an alternative.
Half days at most as she’s not even 2 yet.
Different if you weren’t at home and had no choice.
It also depends very much on the personality of your child and the quality of the childcare setting.