AIBU to be irritated by my in-laws criticising nursery for my toddler

[BabyElephant120]

I’ve signed my almost-two-year-old up for nursery starting in September. I’ve just had my second baby and won’t be working, but I felt nursery would be the best thing for my very active toddler.

My mother-in-law is very much against the idea. Her reasoning is that my daughter is too young and that she won’t be spending enough time with family. She has also offered to help instead, but I don’t feel this is a realistic alternative. She travels quite often, so I don’t find her particularly reliable when it comes to providing consistent childcare. More importantly, I want my daughter to have the opportunity to learn, develop and socialise in an age-appropriate environment with trained professionals and other children, rather than spending all day with adults and having casual playtime at home.

When my MIL first raised the subject, I diplomatically said that we would see how nursery goes and could always reassess if it didn’t seem right for my daughter.

A few weeks later, my FIL brought the subject up and said it was “unheard of” in his day for children that age to go to nursery. He also pointed out that his wife raised two children under two without any help and without sending them to nursery.

What particularly annoyed me about this was that I had already had the conversation with my MIL. I had deliberately tried to be diplomatic and had said that we would see how it goes and could always adjust if it didn’t seem right for our daughter. So when my FIL then raised the exact same issue with me a few weeks later, it felt very much like my MIL had gone away, discussed it with him and asked him to speak to me about it. I found that quite intrusive and, frankly, it made me much angrier than the original conversation.

My husband completely supports sending our daughter to nursery and tells me to ignore the comments. And logically, I know I should. But I’m finding it really difficult to let it go.

I think what’s making me so angry is the feeling that they feel entitled to weigh in on a parenting decision that my husband and I have made for our own child. I also find the comparison to how they raised their children quite frustrating. Parenting has changed, circumstances are different, and what worked for them 30+ years ago doesn’t necessarily mean it’s what we should do now.

AIBU to be so irritated by their comments?Has anyone else been in a similar situation with grandparents having strong opinions about nursery/childcare?

Na ... he deserves the ageism with the "back in my day" comment
As if it was some golden era

I had DC in the 70s. Nursery was only for the moneyed. Mine went to Playgroup twice a week. They thrived on going and DH and I struggled with money. Nursery nowadays is the obvious choice as both parents are normally working.

The most important things are: Your DC, Your Choice and DC will be happy. PIL need to keep their beaks out.

My in-laws were like this. DH and I were working full time (compressed so ds went to nursery 3 days a week). We turned down their offer of childcare which would have meant an hour of driving every morning and evening for us. They were very annoyed. But they ended up looking after our niece who got dumped in front of cbeebies for 10 hours a day. But that's ok because she was "with family". Our DD was getting forest and garden time, messy play, dancing, story time etc. I definitely don't regret my decision and my ds looks back on his time at nursery so fondly.

Well said.

They might have seen the stuff about Vanessa George etc and be worried. I don't like nursery and wish I didn't have to work so I could have time being a mum, but sadly, we have to work these days.
Tell FIL that he can do FT childcare, or pay you enough money that you don't need to work. See what he says!

Parenting has changed over the forty years ago that I had my children. My grandson started nursery at a year and loves it. Tell in laws to go swivel. Nothing to do with them how you raise your children.

@Pistachiocake she’s not working. She’s just sending the toddler so she doesn’t have to bother with her now new baby has arrived and two is harder work. 5 days a week all day too. Poor child.

Were both his parents working and needed childcare or was one of them at home ft? There’s a big difference between doing something necessary but not ideal and what OP is suggesting.

My (atheist, SAHM) DM sent the two of us to a place like that circa 1975-6. She hadn't done any research and therefore hadn't noticed it was attached to a church.

She asked how it was and apparently I said, "we had to sing a lot of songs before we got our milk..."

When I had my 2nd my eldest had been in nursery for nearly a year and was very happy there. When my DH told his parents that after a week all at home together when our youngest was born, our eldest was going back to nursery the following week for 2 half days so I could rest and she could play properly outside etc, they went mad. They said it was cruel etc and she needed to stay home with no regard for anyones wellbeing, I was freshly postpartum full of guilt for my firstborn as it was and found it so upsetting. I’d had an emergency section, had sepsis and felt like death so all DD was doing at home was watching tv which was also making me feel guilty. I’ve never forgotten how they made me feel. Tell them to mind their business. My two love nursery, the girls are lovely, they spend so much time outdoors and do so many activities I wouldn’t even think to do.

OP isn't working though, she's just sending her eldest full-time because she doesn't want to look after both her kids.

Not many women work when they have a newborn though and plenty of toddlers as older siblings go to nursery during that time. Mine did.

OP hasn't mentioned if she's going back to work.

Right, but there's a huge difference between keeping your toddler in their normal nursery routine when the baby arrives because you're just on maternity leave, and deliberately choosing to send your toddler to nursery for 30 hours a week because you don't want to deal with two children.

It seems odd to be shipping a 2yo out everyday when you're not working.
2 short days a week makes sense but 5 just seems like you want to avoid having any days of caring for both together. That's not having a break, that's basically pretending you're a first time mum again.

Regarding your in laws- if they're part of your life then I think they're allowed to have and express an opinion. As long as they then listen to you and keep schtum after you disagree.

It's your life to live how you want and your kids to raise. I've got 3 little kids, the oldest 2 went for 2 nursery mornings a week once the next was around. I get it, it's nice to have a quiet morning at home with the baby and maybe one out with other baby mums. I am struggling to understand the need to send the 2yo out every day though.

She wants to spend some 1-1 time with her newborn and keep her toddler occupied.

Also, if she is struggling with 2 DC and not coping then surely nursery is better than stuck at home with a frazzled, stressed out mum? Can't be good for anyone if that is the case.

The second baby has only just been born - they're still settling into a new routine - so of course it feels like a big upheaval, but you need to give it time.

And she can have 1-1 time with her newborn when DH is home, or when the toddler is napping, or by using nursery for a couple of mornings a week - it doesn't have to be all or nothing.

Tbh, there's never a shortage of 121 time with a tiny baby even with older children. It's just usually in the middle of the night.

The problem with the ops suggested setup is she gets to pretend she's still a FTM, newborn gets all the attention, and toddler gets no time with mum.

Many mums keep their first in nursery for reduced hours during maternity leave, often to keep their place, but to choose that as the time to start a toddler in nursery is like a straight replacement.. This won't go unnoticed by the firstborn.

Toddler can do plenty of socialising with baby in tow.

It sounds like OP and her DH have made their decision. I don't see an issue to be honest, nursery isn't the devil and many 2 year olds go, some for longer hours. The reason isn't really relevant to me.

There's a reason why your MIL brought up your husband and his siblings, without sending them to nursery, is because nurseries probably didn't exist for 2 year olds!!! His reasoning is completely ridiculous! I was born in 1974, and I went to 'play group' at around aged 3-4 years old a few mornings per week. There wasn't anything else available! Years ago, women didn't work once they had children, so they stayed at home, and therefore the children stayed with her.

Your husband should be speaking to his parents to shut down this topic of conversation. Why are both your in-laws coming to you, regarding this? Why are they not speaking to their son? Do they think that it's you, and only you who wants your child to go to nursery??!

If you both feel sending your child to nursery is best for her, then that's all that matters. Other people's opinions are irrelevant.

I think the reason is relevant but each to their own.

A few mornings a week possibly but not every day! Sorry I’m team MIL on this. You get this whole bonus year to spend with your oldest. And learning how to navigate 2 kids at the park, 2 kids in the bath etc etc. you can’t create this perfect ‘single child’ experience for your second if they actually are a sibling. Sounds a bit rubbish to me.

The reason is relevant because most people only make suboptimal choices for their children when they absolutely have to. I’m sure OP would find it easier only having the newborn, but she should be putting her toddler (whose life has been/will be turned completely upside down) first.

If it were for 2 or 3 days a week then I’d be on your side, but 5 days a week for a 2 year old when you’re at home anyway is absolutely ridiculous

My DC were born in 1994 and 1998. They went to nursery for 4 half days aged two and a quarter. Far less intrusive than an au-pair I found.

They are being absurd!

30 hours of childcare for a 2 year old is 30 hours of childcare for a 2 year old. It makes no difference to the child as to why they are in nursery.

Only OP knows how well she is coping etc sometimes nursery is better than the alternative.