AIBU to be irritated by my in-laws criticising nursery for my toddler

[BabyElephant120]

I’ve signed my almost-two-year-old up for nursery starting in September. I’ve just had my second baby and won’t be working, but I felt nursery would be the best thing for my very active toddler.

My mother-in-law is very much against the idea. Her reasoning is that my daughter is too young and that she won’t be spending enough time with family. She has also offered to help instead, but I don’t feel this is a realistic alternative. She travels quite often, so I don’t find her particularly reliable when it comes to providing consistent childcare. More importantly, I want my daughter to have the opportunity to learn, develop and socialise in an age-appropriate environment with trained professionals and other children, rather than spending all day with adults and having casual playtime at home.

When my MIL first raised the subject, I diplomatically said that we would see how nursery goes and could always reassess if it didn’t seem right for my daughter.

A few weeks later, my FIL brought the subject up and said it was “unheard of” in his day for children that age to go to nursery. He also pointed out that his wife raised two children under two without any help and without sending them to nursery.

What particularly annoyed me about this was that I had already had the conversation with my MIL. I had deliberately tried to be diplomatic and had said that we would see how it goes and could always adjust if it didn’t seem right for our daughter. So when my FIL then raised the exact same issue with me a few weeks later, it felt very much like my MIL had gone away, discussed it with him and asked him to speak to me about it. I found that quite intrusive and, frankly, it made me much angrier than the original conversation.

My husband completely supports sending our daughter to nursery and tells me to ignore the comments. And logically, I know I should. But I’m finding it really difficult to let it go.

I think what’s making me so angry is the feeling that they feel entitled to weigh in on a parenting decision that my husband and I have made for our own child. I also find the comparison to how they raised their children quite frustrating. Parenting has changed, circumstances are different, and what worked for them 30+ years ago doesn’t necessarily mean it’s what we should do now.

AIBU to be so irritated by their comments?Has anyone else been in a similar situation with grandparents having strong opinions about nursery/childcare?

Unheard of? Yes, well, so was colour television.

In the modern day of working parents, kids go to nursery. Discussion over.

A few weeks later, my FIL brought the subject up and said it was “unheard of” in his day for children that age to go to nursery. He also pointed out that his wife raised two children under two without any help and without sending them to nursery.

I don't know your FIL, so maybe he was a wonderful hands-on dad (though, I doubt it, from the way you say he phrased this!), but this sort of comment really pisses me off. He didn't do the raising two children, did he?! So he has probably very little idea of what his wife's day was like - whether she took the kids to playgroup, or whether in fact they were bored out of their minds, or whatever.

I agree with others it is fine to just ignore them. But if you don't want to, it might be worth pointing out that when their children were this age, there would have been lots of playgroups and opportunities for two-year-olds (and their mums!) to socialise. Since most two-year-olds now go to nursery, there are far fewer of these - you could end up with a very lonely toddler, if you don't do nursery in 2026.

My dad sometimes comes out with patronising little lectures about how his children were raised, and very often it's clear he has no fucking clue.

Your FIL, man.

The sheer arrogant entitlement of many men of around this age just floors me - the audacity to think we’d actually give a fuck about their opinions about child rearing - a matter in which they clearly had very little involvement when their own children were young.

we had this exact situation. Judgement for sending them to nursery from in laws. Their offer of childcare was unreliable at best, we just went ahead and ignored their out of date opinion and sent both to nursery and they both loved it.
just do what’s right for you and ignore others opinions

I disagree with those who thinkyou should just ignore / nod and smile. They sound quite opinionated and overbearing and this may be a great opportunity to set some firm boundaries about interference with how you raise your child. They dont actually have a say in the big decisions - their role is to be loving, supportive GRANDparents, not involved primary parents. Id get your husband to deal with them, after all they are his parents and thats the appropriate person to deliver the boundaries. Look mum and dad, we love that you are such caring grandparents, but your insistence on commenting critically on our (stress the OUR) parenting decisions is really starting to put our relationship under strain, Im going to say this once, so please listen. We make parenting decisions based on a lot of thought and we have a plan for how to raise little one. Its not a group decision and its not open for debate. You raised your kids, and now we are raising ours, Times change an so does the way modern parenting works. Please back off and accept this, or you are really going to make it very difficult for us to have the fun, loving relationship with you that we want to.

Well they've only mentioned it twice, once each? Is that right? So its not as though its a constant nag . Maybe they won't mention it again.
You dont say if you are going for full time nursery care or just a couple of mornings. If you are at home full time would seem an unusual choice.

The OP said 30+ years ago, so the 80/90s then.
Yes Nursery was around, but it was unregulated and you'd be better off paying a local older woman. If you or your In Laws can't provide the learning side of Nursery, then it's the right choice. Only if they were offering good quality childcare and being turned down, would I take any notice of them. Is it going to be part time or full time?

Hello, just weighing in to say I also had a lot of this. What I would say, is my son is now age 5, and people of different generations often make comments about what it was like in their day. I know in this instance they are criticising, but people say things in a way to justify the way things were then, not always to criticise, my mother-in-law does this a lot, and I had to learn that it wasn’t criticism.

I wouldn’t engage in any further discussion in what essence is a parenting decision.

just so you know, relatives do weigh all the time, you better get used to ignoring them like we all do!!

Ignore them. Every single toddler / child i know has been at nursery since they were around 12 months old. We live in expensive south east town, everyone needs 2 incomes! Mine is nearly 2 and she absolutely loves nursery: she talks about it all the time. Shes learnt so much.

Not big, not clever.

your Partner / husband also needs to tell them to back off and respect your decision.

@BabyElephant120 - my son and DIL did what you are doing - they put their eldest dd into nursery when she was about 2 - she went one full day a week, and four afternoons, and she has absolutely thrived there. She has made lots of little friends, had loads of fun, and it has helped her get ready for starting school next month.

You know your child best, and you know what is best for her, and your PIL should butt out. We give our son and DIL 100% support in their parenting decisions, even though they are - gasp - different to the decisions we made when ours were young.

Look - do what you what with your child. Who the fuck cares what they say or what - they dont live with you, they dont see you day-to-day.

I would just say “I appreciate that it’s different from what you did with your children. This is likely to be only the first of many things we will do differently. We are happy with our decision, and it is our decision.”

You can get away with most things if you say it with a calm, confident tone and a smile.

Make whatever choice you want, but you should know that this:

More importantly, I want my daughter to have the opportunity to learn, develop and socialise in an age-appropriate environment with trained professionals and other children, rather than spending all day with adults and having casual playtime at home.

is not correct. Research has shown us that until the age of 3 children have more benefits from being at home with a trusted caregiver than being at nursery.

Don’t listen to them op and you don’t need to justify yourself.

I put DC1 in nursery during my second mat leave. DC2 didn’t sleep due to a health condition and i couldn’t have managed both.

Where was your DH when his dad was basically telling you off? I'd stop seeing his parents on your own and only visit or invite them when your DH is present to tell them to butt out when they overstep.

Your PILs sound overbearing and difficult so I'd definitely reduce the time I spent with them.

Yeah. That's not 'respectfully' though is it? Comparing him to a dinosaur 🙄

They shouldn't use their age or 'day' to patronise and control OPs decisions then should they?

Old dinosaurs have skills, knowledge and experience.

My come back was always well back in your day you didn't even need to wear a seat belt as a driver until it became law in 1983. There were also no seat belts in the backs of cars in the 70s/80s because I used to slide around the back seat when my parent went round a corner, got to to love vinyl seats.

I would tell them our decision has been made and if we want advice on any matter we will ask you.

I was a SAHM and I put my child into a playgroup two sessions a week at 2 hours at a time. Then when preschool nursery came around at 3 they went every morning.

Just tell them times have moved on and it is my and DH's decision and you do not want to discuss it or hear it mentioned again.

How many days/, hours a week is it?,

No, my parents were all for it but both of my kids went to nursery every morning from when they were walking. I don't regret it at as it teaches reading,.letter and numbers and also play and social skills. Stick to your guns.

Imo as long as dc is happy and it isn't instead of time at home at 2...
My friend works in a nursery and yesterday was a toddlers second birthday..she talked all day about mummy and new baby brother at home
Poor kid was at nursery 8 till 6...
Made me quite sad.