AIBU to be irritated by my in-laws criticising nursery for my toddler

[BabyElephant120]

I’ve signed my almost-two-year-old up for nursery starting in September. I’ve just had my second baby and won’t be working, but I felt nursery would be the best thing for my very active toddler.

My mother-in-law is very much against the idea. Her reasoning is that my daughter is too young and that she won’t be spending enough time with family. She has also offered to help instead, but I don’t feel this is a realistic alternative. She travels quite often, so I don’t find her particularly reliable when it comes to providing consistent childcare. More importantly, I want my daughter to have the opportunity to learn, develop and socialise in an age-appropriate environment with trained professionals and other children, rather than spending all day with adults and having casual playtime at home.

When my MIL first raised the subject, I diplomatically said that we would see how nursery goes and could always reassess if it didn’t seem right for my daughter.

A few weeks later, my FIL brought the subject up and said it was “unheard of” in his day for children that age to go to nursery. He also pointed out that his wife raised two children under two without any help and without sending them to nursery.

What particularly annoyed me about this was that I had already had the conversation with my MIL. I had deliberately tried to be diplomatic and had said that we would see how it goes and could always adjust if it didn’t seem right for our daughter. So when my FIL then raised the exact same issue with me a few weeks later, it felt very much like my MIL had gone away, discussed it with him and asked him to speak to me about it. I found that quite intrusive and, frankly, it made me much angrier than the original conversation.

My husband completely supports sending our daughter to nursery and tells me to ignore the comments. And logically, I know I should. But I’m finding it really difficult to let it go.

I think what’s making me so angry is the feeling that they feel entitled to weigh in on a parenting decision that my husband and I have made for our own child. I also find the comparison to how they raised their children quite frustrating. Parenting has changed, circumstances are different, and what worked for them 30+ years ago doesn’t necessarily mean it’s what we should do now.

AIBU to be so irritated by their comments?Has anyone else been in a similar situation with grandparents having strong opinions about nursery/childcare?

Mine have both gone from nursery from 1, initially two days a week and then three days from 3 when the funding kicked in (Scotland). I felt like that was the right balance as it gave me some time solo with DD2 but I also had time with both to go to playgroups, classes etc. when on maternity leave and then on non-work days with them at home, which was important to me. It’s been the best of both worlds really.

I think five days is a lot at that age, especially when not needed for work purposes - even my friends who went back full time have arranged compressed hours or dad reducing to four days to avoid 5 days at least for the first couple of years - but it’s not any of in-laws’ business regardless.

"...toddler has never been to nursery before..." - a perfect example of the assumptions I was referring to.

Our local Montessori school starts taking children at age 2.5 (3 hours a day only). They told me children younger than that usually do better at home if possible.

Apologies I was working off the assumption it was the 1pm collection time.

So this is an enormous drip feed that your 2yo has actually been to nursery before?

Nothing in your OP suggests your eldest has been to nursery before, so it seems a fairly reasonable assumption to make that she hasn't.

So your 2yo toddler dd has been to nursery in the past? Is that what you are saying? At what age and for how long?

You mention her 'starting nursery ', that you've signed her up to start in September (which you don't do if it's a continuation), and the entire post about your in laws thinking she's too young to start nursery doesn't make sense of she's been going already. And if she is merely returning to nursery then why the gradual start? And why not mention it given it's highly relevant.

There is a difference between a logical reading of your post and wild assumptions. We did the former, not the latter.

There’ll be no time for family outings, reading singing, playing together etc for this poor two year old though as she’ll be at nursery all day, every day.

It’s the balance that’s missing.

How is this relevant to my original post? My post was asking for opinions on whether I am being unreasonable for feeling annoyed that my ILs are against sending my toddler to nursery, and particularly about the way they approached the situation.

If you must know my “life story”, I was a working mum when I had my first child and had to leave her with a childminder at 10 months in order to be eligible for childcare funding. She has been at home since April while I’ve been on maternity leave, and I’ve now signed her up for nursery to start in September.

I could go on and provide much more information about my private life, but I don’t feel it is relevant to the question I actually asked, nor do I feel it is anyone else’s business.

I’m happy to discuss the specific situation I posted about, but I don’t see why I need to justify my entire parenting history in order for people to give their opinion on it.

So it is his first experience of nursery.

I think you have to accept they have a point. They may have overstepped in sharing it, they may be unreliable as childcare, but they have a point that 9-4 nursery 5 days a week when not needed isn't ideal at 2.

It’s relevant because they have a point when you’re sending the toddler every day, all day when it’s not necessary because you’re at home on mat leave. Why not send them 2-3 days instead? Best of both worlds.

Is “respectfully” MN code for “I’m going to be fucking rude?”

Yet mine regularly go to nursery until 3pm-4pm and we always manage to have some quality time.

There has to be a balance. As I've already said similar, an exhausted, stressed, frazzled parent who possibly is struggling to cope isn't exactly going to be good for a child.

you do know that the weekend exists??

It's so bizarre.

Family outings are perfect for weekends anyway assuming DH won't be working. Speaking of DH, no one seems to worried about him spending quality time with his DC?

Why on earth can't there be time for singing, reading or playing after 4pm?

It's British English isn't it - with all due respect = you fucking mindless cretin rather than specifically MN.

So if OP did use any phrase starting "respectfully" - would be very obvious to British English speakers that the speaker was politely being very rude just from that never mind rest of sentance.

haha couldn't have said it better myself! everything i have been thinking, you said.

Why are you giving them a seat at the table?

Fully agree with you that there has to be a balance, and full time nursery for a 2 year old while mum is home with the baby is categorically not that.

You’ve completely invented “exhausted frazzled parent who is struggling to cope” to suit your narrative. All parents with 2 under 3 are exhausted. But checking out of parenting one of your children isn’t the solution.

It's the same "you'll never get this time back" which is only ever directed at mums who work but yet never of dad's of the same child who are also presumably missing out on "this time" by working.

I kept my eldest in nursery when I had my second and in the first few months, the days he wasn't at nursery, he spent with grandparents. I had significant PND when he was born and I didn't want to spend my time 2nd time round, burnt out, exhausted and run ragged trying to meet the demands of a toddler and newborn when I had support around me just because this is what society expected of me.

And we still had plenty time in after nursery and weekends for family time, outings, baking, painting and playing etc. It made my second leave more enjoyable and my two kids have a fantastic bond with each other and with us as parents.

No different to you inventing OP's afternoon/evening routines and bedtimes. Or pp claiming that reading, singing and playing ceases to exist at 4pm.

Or the massive focus on 4pm when it will initially be 1pm and OP only said going to 4pm if she felt her DD was coping. Maybe it will actually stay to 1pm? Who knows.

It's all very dramatic and emotive.

Exactly.

If the support is there and you can afford it and feel comfortable using it, by all means, use it.

I haven’t invented anything about her evening routine - unless you’re suggesting that OP and her DH won’t have to feed her kids and put them to bed?

Yes indeed. It accounts for about a quarter of the week.
So again, it’s out of balance for a two year old to be at nursery 5/7 days.

This is different though - as your child (a) had already settled into nursery before the new baby (presumably) and (b) obviously wasn’t there full time since he was with grandparents part of the time.

Some nursery would be ok, particularly if she was already settled there, which is what all the parents I know who used nursery did. But to go from nothing to full time is extreme for a 2 year old who will already be adjusting to a new sibling, and seemingly completely unnecessary based on what OP has said.

“Speaking of DH, no one seems to worried about him spending quality time with his DC?”

It’s a fair assumption to make that one parent is out at work full time, so that’s why he’s not spending week days with his kids. Op doesn’t have that same reason.