AIBU to be irritated by my in-laws criticising nursery for my toddler

[BabyElephant120]

I’ve signed my almost-two-year-old up for nursery starting in September. I’ve just had my second baby and won’t be working, but I felt nursery would be the best thing for my very active toddler.

My mother-in-law is very much against the idea. Her reasoning is that my daughter is too young and that she won’t be spending enough time with family. She has also offered to help instead, but I don’t feel this is a realistic alternative. She travels quite often, so I don’t find her particularly reliable when it comes to providing consistent childcare. More importantly, I want my daughter to have the opportunity to learn, develop and socialise in an age-appropriate environment with trained professionals and other children, rather than spending all day with adults and having casual playtime at home.

When my MIL first raised the subject, I diplomatically said that we would see how nursery goes and could always reassess if it didn’t seem right for my daughter.

A few weeks later, my FIL brought the subject up and said it was “unheard of” in his day for children that age to go to nursery. He also pointed out that his wife raised two children under two without any help and without sending them to nursery.

What particularly annoyed me about this was that I had already had the conversation with my MIL. I had deliberately tried to be diplomatic and had said that we would see how it goes and could always adjust if it didn’t seem right for our daughter. So when my FIL then raised the exact same issue with me a few weeks later, it felt very much like my MIL had gone away, discussed it with him and asked him to speak to me about it. I found that quite intrusive and, frankly, it made me much angrier than the original conversation.

My husband completely supports sending our daughter to nursery and tells me to ignore the comments. And logically, I know I should. But I’m finding it really difficult to let it go.

I think what’s making me so angry is the feeling that they feel entitled to weigh in on a parenting decision that my husband and I have made for our own child. I also find the comparison to how they raised their children quite frustrating. Parenting has changed, circumstances are different, and what worked for them 30+ years ago doesn’t necessarily mean it’s what we should do now.

AIBU to be so irritated by their comments?Has anyone else been in a similar situation with grandparents having strong opinions about nursery/childcare?

They will have to give their DD dinner and put them to bed at some point but that also applies during the day with lunch and nap times (for at least baby if DD doesn't still nap). You still have no idea when dinner/bedtime is or if DH will be around.

She won't be going from nothing to full time. She will have settling in sessions, she will then be going until 1pm and if OP feels like it is going well, she will then start going until 4pm.

OP's baby is also 3 months old.

It’s irrelevant when it is?

You aren’t being unreasonable, this would annoy me as well. They need to stay in their lane. There are going to be other decision of yours that they will disagree with. But that’s tough as they are your children; they already had their chance to parent their children how they want

I would just respond with “Well feel free to keep your next child at home with you when it’s born. This is the decision we have made for our child.” Just respond with some variation of that every time.

It reminds me of when my mum kept going on and on about it being a shame there weren’t any more babies in the family (I have chosen not to have children). I told her she was more than welcome to get pregnant and have another baby if she’s so desperate for one. She’s never mentioned it again.

Are you the OP’s MIL?

There were very few nurseries and most working mums used childminders. I was a SAHM in the 80s but my younger DSis went back to work and used CM. I remember her having to ride out a lot of criticism from her ILs for her approach. Ironically it was their DS who was insistent that DSis returned to work FT.

My DGC all go/went to FT nursery. They are very social, have excellent communication skills and the older ones are doing very well at school. In their classes there are very few children that didn’t attend nursery. Nurseries today are much better than they used to be and children do benefit in so many ways from attending them. OP - stick to your guns - you have parental responsibility and you make the decisions about how you raise your children. Not your ILs.

This has been an interesting discussion but I’m finding it sad how much offence seems to be taken by parents when ILs give their opinion on this or all sorts of other childcare issues. As you may guess I’m a MIL myself! When family conversations are repeated here, we cannot we aware of the TONE of the observations. I often have lengthy conversations with my DIL about how parenting has changed since “back in my day” (and why is that an offensive expression as one poster indignantly pointed out?). If a particular parenting choice sounds better or easier than the way I did it, I immediately say so approvingly. If it doesn’t I say something tactful about how it worked for us my way, and then zip my lip! We had to learn from our mistakes, and so do the present generation of parents. It’s sad that the OP, and other posters, can’t relax a bit about opinions from experienced mums, and if they don’t agree, just smile and do it their own way as they’re entitled to do. Just remember, there’s NO ONE who loves their children in an all encompassing way as much as parents do, as their grandparents.

Really don't say that

”If it doesn’t I say something tactful about how it worked for us my way, and then zip my lip!”

Why? Why do you have to say anything at all? You’re just being rude making that point.

It just seems a shame to put your DC in full-time nursery when you don’t need to. DC1 went to a childminder for just under a year, then I was a SAHM when more DC arrived. It was hard financially and physically, but we did well, knew all the cheap or free places to hang out, enjoyed that time immensely, were well supported by friends in the same situation as us and gave back support in return. Toddler groups, playgroups and part time state funded nursery played a big part in the socialisation before school - for the DC and for me.

You did it your way, with your children, in your day. DH and I are doing it our way, today, with our children. Things change.

Opinions are like assholes- everyone has one but best kept to yourself.

Things change over the years and usually it is due to better education and proven evidence that new ways are more beneficial. Just because most people turned out ok, doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be moving forward and trying to do better. Parents would still be beating their children with slippers and belts if it wasn’t for more modern parenting styles.

Unsolicited advice is not advice, it comes across as criticism. It’s even worse for OP and it is repeated “advice” and being got at by both FIL & MIL. Not ok.

Those toddler groups etc you mentioned have largely gone. Nurseries today are much better and evidence shows that children who attend them do better on so many measures. Some parents have no choice because they both have to work and it can be very difficult when children are ill. OP is choosing to send her eldest pre-schooler to nursery and she will be available at times of illness. But why should she have follow outdated ideas just because this is what her ILs think she should do? I had less than 2 years gap between my 2DCs and I would have loved to have been able to send them to a nursery even just for a couple of days a week. I’m sure she would have benefitted from it and I would have been a better parent for not juggling a newborn/infant and an active toddler.

Where I live there is more choice of toddler groups, classes and stay and play type things for pre school age children than ever before! Many more of them are free that when ds was a baby too.

Yes I am in a village and could take DC to something pretty much every day if I wanted. I did when I was on maternity leave! We have library singing session, two church groups, several paid baby classes like sensory play, sign language. DD2 is 4 now and I still take her to some of them (Scotland so no school till next year) but when she was a baby and DD1 was a preschooler we did lots of them.

The evidence you’re talking about is preschool age - ie the year before starting school. OP‘s child is 1-2 years younger than this.

They definitely have not going. There are multiple ones every day where I live. When mine were toddlers sometimes I'd do two with a cake break in the middle. They are still running.

I wonder what nursery workers would say here. Am not saying no one should send their 2 year old to nursery, my own child went in at 5 months because I had no choice. However, I am not sure how keen parents would be to send their kids their if they knew what they were like.

Also for all that people talk about kids doing better if they went to nursery - I think there is often confusion here between causation versus correlation. I think it's a class indicator. Indeed, most of the richest parents I know, get nannies with very part time nursery years for pre- school and their kids do alright. So I think nursery attendance is a short hand for middle class parents who can afford them more than a magical place that somehow advances your child.

Opinions are like arseholes = we all have one! I have lots of opinions about how my parents and in-laws run things e.g. overspending on pointless things, don’t realise what an easy ride they all had in the working world (no one worked passed the age of 61), insisting on going to boring places for meals. I have the sense to not share them though