AIBU to be irritated by my in-laws criticising nursery for my toddler

[BabyElephant120]

I’ve signed my almost-two-year-old up for nursery starting in September. I’ve just had my second baby and won’t be working, but I felt nursery would be the best thing for my very active toddler.

My mother-in-law is very much against the idea. Her reasoning is that my daughter is too young and that she won’t be spending enough time with family. She has also offered to help instead, but I don’t feel this is a realistic alternative. She travels quite often, so I don’t find her particularly reliable when it comes to providing consistent childcare. More importantly, I want my daughter to have the opportunity to learn, develop and socialise in an age-appropriate environment with trained professionals and other children, rather than spending all day with adults and having casual playtime at home.

When my MIL first raised the subject, I diplomatically said that we would see how nursery goes and could always reassess if it didn’t seem right for my daughter.

A few weeks later, my FIL brought the subject up and said it was “unheard of” in his day for children that age to go to nursery. He also pointed out that his wife raised two children under two without any help and without sending them to nursery.

What particularly annoyed me about this was that I had already had the conversation with my MIL. I had deliberately tried to be diplomatic and had said that we would see how it goes and could always adjust if it didn’t seem right for our daughter. So when my FIL then raised the exact same issue with me a few weeks later, it felt very much like my MIL had gone away, discussed it with him and asked him to speak to me about it. I found that quite intrusive and, frankly, it made me much angrier than the original conversation.

My husband completely supports sending our daughter to nursery and tells me to ignore the comments. And logically, I know I should. But I’m finding it really difficult to let it go.

I think what’s making me so angry is the feeling that they feel entitled to weigh in on a parenting decision that my husband and I have made for our own child. I also find the comparison to how they raised their children quite frustrating. Parenting has changed, circumstances are different, and what worked for them 30+ years ago doesn’t necessarily mean it’s what we should do now.

AIBU to be so irritated by their comments?Has anyone else been in a similar situation with grandparents having strong opinions about nursery/childcare?

You don’t want to have to deal with both children so you’re sending your two year old to nursery 5 days a week @BabyElephant120 !!! No wonder your in-laws are concerned. Ok your child seems happier at playgroups or out and about - with you! Not on their own. Not gone all day to nursery. It’s not for the good of your child it’s for you as you’re finding it too much hassle to organise yourself around two children . There’s no benefit to your child to be away so much. As for saying 5 days is for ‘the routine’ - the ‘routine’ could also be going two days per week.

I feel sorry for your poor toddler.

2 isnt too young for nursery - loads of people have no choice but to send their kids at 11months (like me) it's fine

It isn’t that different to those who decide to keep their toddlers in nursery when they are on maternity leave with a new baby. I know many people who’ve done that including myself.

In any case, it isn’t any of their business and if it comes up again tell them to discuss it with their son. I bet they won’t.

Your choices are yours and it's what works for your family.
In-Laws can have their opinions, but foisting them upon you is NOT okay.
I wouldn't have chosen to send a 2 year for amount of time that you are looking at, but my family is not yours; we all do things differently.

Nursery for 4 to 6 hours a day is slightly different to park or group with Mummy.
I think you're obfuscating and looking at what will make things easier for you.

She’s happy and she enjoys it, yes, but she’s there with you.

There is no child that is happier away from their parents on a regular basis than they would be with them.

Having a newborn is no excuse. Neither of mine did nursery until they were 3; I had a two year age gap and my second got just as much love as my first, if not more, because she had the love from her sister too.

Oh, mil managed it fine, ok. Don't you just love men who helpfully inform you how very easy it is to get something done by simply having a woman do it?

If he tells you how things were in his day, tell him knowledge of child development etc has advanced a lot since then.

Actually a lot of mothers manage it fine, not just her mil. Many mothers keep their older children in nursery when they have maternity leave but cut down their hours so they can spend more precious time with them.
Child development knowledge has changed but its still very ,very much accepted that a child thrives at home with their main care giver in their earliest years.

Society has changed so this is often not possible now, but if you can have your child at home for the majority of the time until they are 3 that is often the best choice. OPs choice of 5 days in nursery is unusual when shes at home.

She can think what she likes, it’s fairly irrelevant in regards to your family decisions. Let it slide off your back. A lot of people would make a different decision than you, but again it’s your own choice.

Hmm, not sure about that - I am fairly sure there is a lot of research about how beneficial exposure to other children is, even at a very young age.

Yes, and that is through play dates or seeing other children at the park.

The research is very clear that there are no benefits to a child being in nursery under the age of 3 that they can’t otherwise get by staying at home with their primary caregiver.

90s!!! My eldest was born in 2000 and i had quite a few friends with older DC. We used nursery from 6/7/8 months for Gods sake!! Mat leave was nothing like as long as it is now. He is talking nonsense.

But so is your DH when he tells you to ignore their comments. He should be picking up the phone and dealing with them firmly. You may well need to train him to do this as DHs can be very reluctant to push back with their parents. I dealt with it by making it clear that if it was left to me to deal with I would explode at them, so if he wanted to avoid that he needed to do something about it. I made it clear that putting up with these comments/ignoring them was not an option.

YANBU to be irritated. I would start to be clearer about what's prompted the decision and not just that it's what you're doing but that you think their suggestions are not in your toddler's best interests. Every time they suggest you don't or hark back to their own experience, etc. say "I want better for my kids." Be clear that you are sending your DC because you know him best and think it will be better for him than staying home. Most research finds that in the UK toddlers who go to nursery rather than staying at home do better academically.

The research is not clear on that at all. For instance, the EPPSE study found that children with more than 2 years of preschool (so must have attended before the age of 3) had measurably higher academic results at 16.

Very annoying. My advice is you ignore, DH tells them parents make parenting decisions. My MiL used to address my DD directly from her first month of life : 'Poor baby! You need a dummy, don't you?'. My elderly neighbour did the same, when I went back to work: 'Your mummy doesn't want to look after you. No she doesn't.' Rhino hide should be a non-negotiable by-product of giving birth.

@AmnesiacsDream Actually the main EPPSE sample was recruited at around age 3.

However, I wasn’t discussing academic results anyway, but academic results at the age of 16 is not evidence that a child needs peer relationships before the age of 3.

The research doesn’t establish that children under 3 need nursery, or that nursery provides benefits they couldn’t otherwise obtain at home with their primary caregiver.

If you’re going to cite EPPSE research, where does it demonstrate that specifically starting before the age of 3 causes the later academic advantage compared with staying at home until the age of 3?

Ultimately it's your choice and your IL's have said their piece, so they now need to keep their mouths shut.

But I do think 4-6 hours a day, 5 days a week at nursery while you're at home with their new sibling is a lot, and you don't want to give them the message that they've been replaced by their sibling.

Your newborn will also benefit massively from having their older sister around during the day.

Its not all to do with academic achievement . Its about feeling safe and loved. All children need some kind of nursery experience after about 3 but they dont need it at 2. Toddler groups with mum are all thats needed.
( Society change means many children are now in nursery from tiny babies and I realise that and its ok, but if you have the choice of keeping your children with you for the first 2/3 years of their lives with maybe small windows of alone time wouldn't your really want to? Guess the answer is obviously not in this case :) ! )

Another option is you pay for the nursery place and in-laws look after DC when they want. But the nursery place is still there.

@MonteStory "What they did and what was common then bears no relation to anything. Did nursery for under 2s even exist in the 80s?"

Yep, my son went to one at the age of 2 back in 1979. It was full and had a waiting list. Admittedly it was a private nursery as state ones effectively ceased to exist in 1945. That's when the government deemed that the usefulness of women in the workplace had ended.

It's also a bit baffling to me that the OP thinks it too difficult to deal with both of them with just her, so the answer is to send her eldest to a nursery where the care ratio will be lower.

Rather than 1:2 for both with mum, toddler will be 1 of 5!! How is that the toddler getting extra attention?

"Thank you for your opinion. Awful weather we had last night, wasn't it"
On repeat.

Tell them to get in the real world! My daughter has been going 4 long days every week since 8months old, she’s perfectly fine and happy

She won’t be happier away from you for the majority of her waking hours, when she’s got a new sibling in the mix as well.

If I knew you IRL I would definitely be judging you and if we were close I would say something. It would be different if you had to work, or if you had to pay to keep the nursery place, or if it was fewer hours, but you’re essentially planning on sending her full time, longer than a school day, for your own convenience.

I’m with your in-laws but I would have keep my opinions to myself. I do feel for children out into nurseries at such a young age especially for so many hours when you don’t work.

Having said that it’s your a choice and whilst they might not agree they need to respect your decision.