AIBU to be irritated by my in-laws criticising nursery for my toddler

[BabyElephant120]

I’ve signed my almost-two-year-old up for nursery starting in September. I’ve just had my second baby and won’t be working, but I felt nursery would be the best thing for my very active toddler.

My mother-in-law is very much against the idea. Her reasoning is that my daughter is too young and that she won’t be spending enough time with family. She has also offered to help instead, but I don’t feel this is a realistic alternative. She travels quite often, so I don’t find her particularly reliable when it comes to providing consistent childcare. More importantly, I want my daughter to have the opportunity to learn, develop and socialise in an age-appropriate environment with trained professionals and other children, rather than spending all day with adults and having casual playtime at home.

When my MIL first raised the subject, I diplomatically said that we would see how nursery goes and could always reassess if it didn’t seem right for my daughter.

A few weeks later, my FIL brought the subject up and said it was “unheard of” in his day for children that age to go to nursery. He also pointed out that his wife raised two children under two without any help and without sending them to nursery.

What particularly annoyed me about this was that I had already had the conversation with my MIL. I had deliberately tried to be diplomatic and had said that we would see how it goes and could always adjust if it didn’t seem right for our daughter. So when my FIL then raised the exact same issue with me a few weeks later, it felt very much like my MIL had gone away, discussed it with him and asked him to speak to me about it. I found that quite intrusive and, frankly, it made me much angrier than the original conversation.

My husband completely supports sending our daughter to nursery and tells me to ignore the comments. And logically, I know I should. But I’m finding it really difficult to let it go.

I think what’s making me so angry is the feeling that they feel entitled to weigh in on a parenting decision that my husband and I have made for our own child. I also find the comparison to how they raised their children quite frustrating. Parenting has changed, circumstances are different, and what worked for them 30+ years ago doesn’t necessarily mean it’s what we should do now.

AIBU to be so irritated by their comments?Has anyone else been in a similar situation with grandparents having strong opinions about nursery/childcare?

To be fair that does sound a lot of hours for a just turned two year old when it’s not needed. Although I wouldn’t say anything I would wonder what has caused the decision!

there are plenty of other ways for children to socialise!

My DH was in nursery from 3 months and he’s mid 30s so they’re talking bollocks.

5 days a week in childcare as a 2 year old is a lot when there’s no need for it. Maybe the in-laws are less judgmental about nursery than the frequency.

9-4pm is quite a lot for a 2 year old when a parent is at home, it’s longer than a primary school day so I don’t quite get the argument it’s for consistency and routine.
However it’s not really any of your in-laws business, your DH really needs to be telling them that.

I’m not pretending - I can clearly tell my toddler is much happier when we go to the playground and loves watching other kids even though she may not directly play with them. And yes, I do also need time for myself and most importantly for my new born who deserves the same attention and care as my toddler.

This will not be the only parenting choice you make that they or others will be vocal about. I think id have a think about why their approval bothers you so much and has you so upset. As you need to preserve sanity and develop a thick skin and coping strategy.

My Mum was literally saying this the other day (as I work in a nursery) that when I was born (80’s) there were no nurseries for young children.
She gave up work to look after us, and then apparently I went a preschool type place when I was almost 4 ready to start school in the following Jan on the second intake.

OP I would go for 3 mornings a week personally, coming from my own children’s experience and my observations from working in a nursery.
If they went in a mon, wed, fri, that would be regular enough to get into a routine, give you time with the baby and give them chance to have a nap when they get home.

My DD was an absolute full-on live wire aged 2. MIL would occasionally have her for an afternoon, and she would be absolutely shattered afterwards. MIL that is, not the Duracell Bunny DD!

That's a lot of time away from you when it's not strictly needed

Team ILs

You could just say, " Well maybe in an ideal world DH and I could both work part-time and share childcare, although even then we'd want DD to have some experience of a nursery-type environment. But the reality is we have to work. If you and MiL are offering to look after DD for say one day a week every week, that's great, but we can't just take time off work to cover you being on holiday/doing other things. If we book DD into nursery for 4 days a week, we can't just send her in the 5th day if you are on a trip. So if you were to do that, it would have to be on the basis that it would be every week unless your holiday was agreed well in advance, like you would in a job, and I just can't see that working.
What would be nice is random days out with you both, and some no-pressure type babysitting so we can have the odd date night/keep up with friends."

Why would OP say that, it’s not even relevant to this situation?

You and they are entitled to own opinions.

But only you and your husband get to maje the decision.

Let it go.

Obviously IL shouldnt be saying anything but it is quite an unusual choice to make. Sending a two year old to a full time nursery five days a well is a lot. And no they don't benefit from it. Yes she loves being surrounded by kids when you are there. They all do. But two year olds don't love being ignored half the time in the nursery by people who let's be honest won't love them as much as you. It's not for your kid, it's to make it easier for you to look after a newborn. Fine but don't pretend it's for the best of your oldest child.

Your youngest will never have the same life as the oldest because they are already a second child in the mix. It can't be the same and that's ok.

I would be very careful here though because your basically giving the message “new baby here you go away all day every day” to the toddler by sending them to full time nursery

It's your decision, but I understand where they are coming from.

She'll get the same benefit from a playgroup, which plenty of us (myself included) did with tiny babies in tow. Juggling two kids by yourself is hard, but I don't think it's personally fair to outsource that rather than balance their needs.

Or take a middle ground where it's just a few mornings a week, so you still have time together.
That's what I'd do anyway. I'd worry that being away all day every day will make her feel like she's been replaced by the baby.

Your FIL's era was my era, my kids went to nursery in the 1990s, it wasn't as regulated as it is today but the Children Act 1989 did cover nursery provision and ensure safe ratios of staff to children at the different ages, safe food, etc. The one we chose was also a Montessori nursery so it had structured lessons and play.

I also went to play group/nursery a couple of mornings a week in the 1960s.

Pay no attention to FIL he is talking utter rubbish.

His parents, his problem to manage. If they raise the matter again I’d tell them ‘we have made our decision’ and if they want to discuss it further they should talk to their son about it.

It is annoying they feel they get a say.

I think i'd probably respond with something around it is a sacrifice you have to make but you really have to do whats best for your children and not put your own enjoyment of being mum and spending extra time with them ahead of what they actually need.

If you feel your toddler is very active active and needs routine, company and activities and your other chikd needs extra 1 to 1 care, then you are making that happen.

It doesnt really matter if somone else feels they can provide that through toddler groups and play dates and just being at home. You know what your child responds to and what you have capacity to facilitate yourself.

[Edited to add that I do think there's a risk the toddler will feel replaced if not handled well]

It’s your choice. It would confuse me because I didn’t want my dc in full nursery (they attended pt preschool for a year before school started) but your child your choice

Just nod and smile, and say it's interesting how we all make such different choices about what's best for our children, isn't it? You made choices about what you thought was right for your own kids. We are making choices about what we think is right for ours. It's a good thing that DH and I totally agree on what's best, isn't it? [Tinkly laugh]

The excuse that your newborn deserves the same as your eldest is bollocks. The newborn will get untold benefits from having a sibling and learning they aren't number 1 all the time.

However if you choose to send the 2yo to nursery, that's your choice.

Personally 5 days a week seems a lot when you're at home and I think you will miss the 2yo. I'd probably settle for 3 six hour days and have 4 days with both kids. FIL is correct that plenty of people (mostly women) have raised 2 kids without nursery. But I do think a balance of socialisation is important from age 2/3.

They sound really rude

Also back in their day… mine went to nursery 20 years ago - have they not met any other kids or families since they had their own?

and of course 2 year olds socialise if they meet other toddlers. If they don’t that’s unusual and more likely neurodiversity.

There weren't as many nurseries in the 80s but of course they existed! We lived in a tiny rural community when my kids were small and even we had one up the road. Amongst my friendship group, I was very much the odd one out for not using a nursery for either of mine, or a child minder after school age.
Furthermore, my mother's cousin, who was born in the 1920s, was at a nursery from very young (weeks), all day, every working day. Before anyone says that wouldn't be a "proper" nursery, it was run by an official body.

Of course there were nurseries in the 1970s/80s. Lady Diana Spencer worked in a nursery prior to her marriage in 1981 to Charles, then Prince of Wales.

That would piss me off too, your logic is good. She's a good age to start nursery
It'll be nice for you to have one on one with your baby and maybe some time to yourself. Perhaps DH could tell them to keep their opinions to themselves.