AIBU to want more quality time with my boyfriend who has children

[curlyblondey]

Please be gentle with me, it’s my first time dating someone with kids and I’m trying desperately hard to make it work.

I have been dating a man for four months, we work together so had developed feelings a while before we were officially together. I truly adore him and he’s honestly just a really good, kind man.

He’s a few years older than me and has two kids (8 & 10). I haven’t met them and i think we’re a long way off that happening, which I am ok with. I don’t have children and don’t want them, but I’m maternal and absolutely see them being part of my future life.

The issue is, I feel I never get quality time with him and I’m struggling to gauge what’s normal at this stage. I’ve only ever dated childless men whereby at this point we’ve been on loads of dates, weekends away, even holidays etc

My boyfriend will meet me for coffee, lunch, a drink after work etc…but we’ve never spent a night together.

I know he makes time to do this and I’m super appreciative of it but it never feels like quality time? I’d love to have a weekend in or a movie night or just something with a bit more intimacy. Am I asking for too much?

I really don’t want to make an issue of him having children as it’s not per se, but I guess I’m feeling a little lonely and I miss him.

I am obviously of the opinion that kids come first and I recognise I’ll always play second fiddle which I am ok with (I think).

Am I unreasonable for wanting more?

'I am obviously of the opinion that kids come first and I recognise I’ll always play second fiddle which I am ok with (I think).'

You're right about second fiddle, but you don't sound ok with it at all. I don't blame you btw. However, you need to be realistic. It sounds like this man is not available to you in the way that you would want. The situation won't change, so if it's not something you can easily accept, I would be moving on

Do the children live with him full time?

Sounds like it won't work for you. Holidays without kids might never happen for 10 years

Why won't he spend the night?

“My boyfriend will meet me for coffee, lunch, a drink after work etc…but we’ve never spent a night together”

This sounds more like an affair than a committed relationship - Is he still married/living with the children’s mother?

Sounds more like an affair to me than a healthy relationship tbh.

I am obviously of the opinion that kids come first and I recognise I’ll always play second fiddle which I am ok with (I think).

You aren’t and you don’t have to be, but it means not having a relationship with a good father. He prioritises his children as he should.

If you carry on and grudgingly accept it your relationship will progress and you’ll be here in 5 years pissed off because you don’t get a holiday without them, or you have kids and want time as ‘your family unit’.

Seriously just read all the threads on here from step parents in myriad different situations.

It’s often thankless, always difficult, and rarely easy.

Do you think so? He tells me he is separated but they live together. I obviously believe this as I have nothing to prove otherwise. I know I sound so stupid but do you think this could be the case? He swears they’re not together and that they manage childcare 50/50 while living together.

Are you sure he is single? Sounds like you are an affair.

I'd want to know how old the kds were when the rekationship with the mother broke down and why it broke down. Feckless fatherss are not great boyfriends

The kids thing is a red herring if that's the correct term.

the bugger issue is that he sounds married and/or committed elsewhere.

He’s still married/with the mother of his children. It’s pretty clear.

Except for the fact that he can never slip away for more than an hour or 2? I mean that’s a pretty telling sign.

Oh ffs are you serious? He’d be glad to get out of his house if that was the case and almost certainly would’ve stayed overnight with you.

But is he making any effort to move out and get a place for himself where he can have the children half the time?

It doesn't sound to me as though he is really separated from his wife. At all. Be careful, OP!

Oh OP, you sweet summer child.

He is married.

So you work together and grab a coffee or lunch at lunchtime then sometimes a quick drink after work.

Read that back. You haven’t got yourself a boyfriend Im afraid just a colleague that you kiss.

I wouldn’t be surprised if he has a wife at home.

Edited: just seen your update. No surprise there. He does have a wife at home.

Sorry OP, he's lying. Otherwise he would be thrilled to get out the house for a while

He's living with his other girlfriend/wife?
This man is not for dating.

Forget him and be glad you didn't end up in the hell that many women on the step parent section end up in.

You're his side piece. He is still in a relationship.

He still lives with the mother of his kids? Jeez. What a catch. Run

This screams affair

I don’t have children and don’t want them, but I’m maternal.... Eh?

Oh my goodness.... he's just married!

Pfft I wouldn’t have a bar of a man “separated” but still living with his wife and kids. Deffo sounds like affair territory