AIBU to want more quality time with my boyfriend who has children

[curlyblondey]

Please be gentle with me, it’s my first time dating someone with kids and I’m trying desperately hard to make it work.

I have been dating a man for four months, we work together so had developed feelings a while before we were officially together. I truly adore him and he’s honestly just a really good, kind man.

He’s a few years older than me and has two kids (8 & 10). I haven’t met them and i think we’re a long way off that happening, which I am ok with. I don’t have children and don’t want them, but I’m maternal and absolutely see them being part of my future life.

The issue is, I feel I never get quality time with him and I’m struggling to gauge what’s normal at this stage. I’ve only ever dated childless men whereby at this point we’ve been on loads of dates, weekends away, even holidays etc

My boyfriend will meet me for coffee, lunch, a drink after work etc…but we’ve never spent a night together.

I know he makes time to do this and I’m super appreciative of it but it never feels like quality time? I’d love to have a weekend in or a movie night or just something with a bit more intimacy. Am I asking for too much?

I really don’t want to make an issue of him having children as it’s not per se, but I guess I’m feeling a little lonely and I miss him.

I am obviously of the opinion that kids come first and I recognise I’ll always play second fiddle which I am ok with (I think).

Am I unreasonable for wanting more?

You can prove otherwise by asking to speak to the mother of his children. Hear it from her that they are separated and that she's aware that he's seeing other women as a part of this setup.

If he refuses to let this happen, run a mile.

I woild think its a bit of a gamble and quite full on for 4 months but I guess if it feels right on both parties?!

DH and I had 2 weeks in Italy together after 3 months. Why not? Neither of us had kids, we had spare cash and annual leave… it was fab!

Presumably when you meet for coffee, its followed by going back to your house for a quick leg over?

He's not single and using you for a quick bonk all for the price of a coffee.

Easiest way to prove it, plaster nice happy boyfriend/girlfriend photos all over FB or Insta - or has he already told you not to that 🤔.

Do people know at work that you are dating?
If not, there is a good reason why! He doesn't want his wife finding out.
Have you been round his house? Not necessarily to go in, just to pick him up for a date?

You need to find out for sure what his relationship with his wife is.
I would guess she thinks she is in a committed relationship.
You are just his piece of fluff and he is reticent to take the next step with you because he's worried he'll get caught by her.
Oh dear, I assumed you hadn't slept with him because you said you'd only been for coffee, or seen him briefly after work.
He's taken you for an idiot.
I don't condone ghosting but on this occasion, that's what I'd do.

His poor wife 😩

@curlyblondey you need to find someone without kids. It won't work otherwise as you'll always want more of him than he may be able to give, that's before you even meet his kids

Oh dear.

He is still married. If they’re living together, he is not fully separated.
He needs to do things in the right order. All he’s doing now is using you to bolster himself- offering you crumbs.
Is this what you want for your life?

He comes as a package deal. What I don't understand is why he where he lives with his ex, why he hasn't spent a night at yours if you've invited him to stay, and how much time the children spend with their mother and what she does when she's not doing the 50%,0 child care he says they have agreed. . Is he a genuine single separated parent or still with his wife/ ex partner/mother of the children full time , and sadly possibly you are his side piece,?

I think he is stringing along. When has he said is is moving out and actually separating, because clearly he's not actually separated if he doesn't have 50% of his time to spend with you as he alleges he and his wife have agreed to.

There's your answer then, he's not separated at all is he really🤔

Ask to meet his ex and the kids. That will flush out just how truthful he is.

Nooooooooooooooooooo. Stop now.

He’s still with her / shagging her . I’m so sorry OP x

Oh dear, OP. I agree that the most likely scenario is that you're the mistress. Otherwise, why couldn't he have spent a night at your place?

You're only 4 months into dating this man. Ditch him. By the way, when you've only been seeing someone 4 months, you shouldn't already be at the "trying desperately hard to make it work" stage. This should be the fun, flirty, naughty stage. If you're already having to try really hard to make it work, the relationship isn't right and isn't going anywhere.

Ffs op he can’t spend the night with you because he spends his nights with his wife, still living together…really? 10/10 on the bollocksmeter that. Fuck hun off before you develop anymore feelings.

Another one for affair. Ditch the loser and tell the wife. Or at the very least verify his story. Find her on social and say hi. If they're really happily separated she'll verify what he told you and you can all move on

No, you're not unreasonable to want more, but a man with children isn't going to be able to give you what you want.

Also, you're showing him that you're "desperate to make it work" and "super appreciative" of the measly bread crumbs he's giving you. Don't be desperate and don't be appreciative of less than bare minimum - which is what you're getting now. Raise your standards and find someone who voluntarily wants to spend time with you beyond meeting for a coffee.

can you really not see that this sounds like a classic affair, not a relationship??

Happily separated? Maybe they are but you need to test the waters. That being the case ask him if you can take and upload a photo of you both to social media and tag him it when you change your relationship status… if all is as he says he won’t pushback. If the outcome is you are a secret then you have your answer.

Agreed.

My XH and I are separated but haven’t started divorce proceedings so are still cohabiting. However, we have a schedule where we are responsible for the DC. DP and I have managed to work out to have our child free time together and manage to have a date night at least once a week, we spend the weekend together EOW, and we get weekends away regularly. This summer we even got a full week away and another consecutive week together (but going into work).

DP doesn’t come to stay here because it is very considered to be my family home, but he does pop in for a cuppa/to drop stuff off and say hi. I always stay at his place, as he is divorced, and have my own key. He knows where our spare key is kept.

XH is aware of DP, and there is full transparency. It’s the only way it could work until my XH agrees to move out or start divorce proceedings. Our kids will always come first, they know where I am when I am not at home, and if they need me I will be there but DP and I also make time for each other. He is my absolute second priority after my kids, without question.

I cannot understand what you are getting out of your current arrangement at all…

Oh dear. By asking him to spend the night with you? By talking to him about your fears?

Why haven’t you applied for divorce ?

Listen he is married and still with his wife. If this was genuine then why aren’t you seeing him at night or overnight. You should be going out for dates to the cinema, for meals, bars, bowling anything. And having overnight dates. He’s giving you an hour of his time at lunch. Block him and find someone who actually wants you .

Why do you require extra gentle treatment? Surely you are an adult woman, and what use would any advice be if it stopped short of telling you that you are behaving like a fool?
Why must all rational thought, all practical aptitude, suddenly cease to exist when one decides one is ‘in love’?
Romance as a life goal has much to answer for, when we see how it turns brains to mush, meeting no resistance.

You can prove it by going round his house. If his wife knows about you there won't be a problem will there?

Well 4 months in is when people are meant to to not be able to keep their hands off each other and be completely in the woes of passion so IMO perfect time for a romantic getaway