AIBU to want more quality time with my boyfriend who has children

[curlyblondey]

Please be gentle with me, it’s my first time dating someone with kids and I’m trying desperately hard to make it work.

I have been dating a man for four months, we work together so had developed feelings a while before we were officially together. I truly adore him and he’s honestly just a really good, kind man.

He’s a few years older than me and has two kids (8 & 10). I haven’t met them and i think we’re a long way off that happening, which I am ok with. I don’t have children and don’t want them, but I’m maternal and absolutely see them being part of my future life.

The issue is, I feel I never get quality time with him and I’m struggling to gauge what’s normal at this stage. I’ve only ever dated childless men whereby at this point we’ve been on loads of dates, weekends away, even holidays etc

My boyfriend will meet me for coffee, lunch, a drink after work etc…but we’ve never spent a night together.

I know he makes time to do this and I’m super appreciative of it but it never feels like quality time? I’d love to have a weekend in or a movie night or just something with a bit more intimacy. Am I asking for too much?

I really don’t want to make an issue of him having children as it’s not per se, but I guess I’m feeling a little lonely and I miss him.

I am obviously of the opinion that kids come first and I recognise I’ll always play second fiddle which I am ok with (I think).

Am I unreasonable for wanting more?

If they are doing 50:50 childcare and she’s aware of your existence, why wouldn’t he spend the night with you?

I have read post from women on MN OPer where the woman states they are separated yet still live in the same house as neither can afford to run two properties, so there's as much a possibility as not so.

You go to the house and ask her ..or phone and ask her.

I wish my ex ‘s Gfs had asked me.would have saved me a lot of hours of detective work

@curlyblondey any chance you could reply? I’m actually worried about you - it’s not healthy for you to keep having so many bad relationships

You do have something to prove otherwise though.

He won’t spend any significant amount of time with you.

Oh wow. Saw you coming!

Oh lovely, he’s married you’re the affair sadly. If he was 50/50 childcare and she knew then he could come and stay the night at yours half the week couldn’t he?

There's a clear way to find out. Contact his wife, or tell him to video call her with you there and confirm that they are 'happily separated'.
If it's true he should have no problems doing it. If not, then he'll start with excuses such as 'actually she's batshit crazy and I don't want to risk losing access to the kids', or similar.

It's can't be. Just read she had a husband in her last thread.

If you’re ’trying to make it work’ after just four months it’s time to heave ho. He has kids - he’s going to have limited availability for you unless he’s a rubbish father. You’re not compatible. Cut your losses and find someone who is free to spend time with you.

If you’ve never spent the night together are you actually having sex?

If he is still living with his “ex” you’re an emotional affair at best.

You're worryingly naive for a police officer, op. And what happened to the husband you had in January?

I guess if she were to do this OP’s DH would also be informed.

If he won't ever stay the night you know that you're the side piece. I know that's blunt but I don't get how you don't get it?

Think about it, if what he says is true and they are seperated and manging 50/50 childcare, there is absolutely no reason why he can't spend an evening with you during the dm's 50% of time. I think he's spinning you a line op, sorry. You deserve so much more.

I'm ex police and don't find it surprising at all if I am honest. They're still people. Their psychological make-up when it comes to relationships do not necessarily gel with their work stances.

To be fair to the OP, while we're not together now I met my ex of 5 years while still living with a previous ex. I had been all set to move and then lockdown occurred. We were very much split up and had little to do with one another other than sharing the same four walls. I met that DP not long after lockdown and of course continued house hunting and had got a new place before too long, but I did live with my ex for a while after we met just to do with the usual ups and downs of buying a house and moving out while working fulltime.

I am female however, which may make a difference.

Don't get involved with anyone who still lives with their spouse. Doesn't matter if they are married or separated.

'Separated but living together' 😂. I bet that would come as a bit of a surprise to his wife! I can't believe women still fall for this story.

Have you met any of his friends or family as his girlfriend? If not you’ve got your answer right there. Are you friends with him on social media? Do you have any mutual friends?

Even if you take what he says as true why isn’t he spending occasional nights and weekends at yours?

why isn’t he available all weekend to ‘do things’ ?

Maybe because the op isn’t available then either? She’s married according to a previous thread?

That was in January though wasn’t it? They could well have split since then.

If you're still convinced that he's telling the truth OP, then I'd go along to his house and knock the door, if his wife answers just introduce yourself as Pete's girlfriend, and ask if he's there. Then watch her face!!!

Even if that is the case, it’s only August. And the op and this man have been together 4 months? So she was only on her own 4 months tops. and she has a history of crap relationships. She would be well advised, as I said, to toss this one back and work on herself, surely?