AIBU to want more quality time with my boyfriend who has children

[curlyblondey]

Please be gentle with me, it’s my first time dating someone with kids and I’m trying desperately hard to make it work.

I have been dating a man for four months, we work together so had developed feelings a while before we were officially together. I truly adore him and he’s honestly just a really good, kind man.

He’s a few years older than me and has two kids (8 & 10). I haven’t met them and i think we’re a long way off that happening, which I am ok with. I don’t have children and don’t want them, but I’m maternal and absolutely see them being part of my future life.

The issue is, I feel I never get quality time with him and I’m struggling to gauge what’s normal at this stage. I’ve only ever dated childless men whereby at this point we’ve been on loads of dates, weekends away, even holidays etc

My boyfriend will meet me for coffee, lunch, a drink after work etc…but we’ve never spent a night together.

I know he makes time to do this and I’m super appreciative of it but it never feels like quality time? I’d love to have a weekend in or a movie night or just something with a bit more intimacy. Am I asking for too much?

I really don’t want to make an issue of him having children as it’s not per se, but I guess I’m feeling a little lonely and I miss him.

I am obviously of the opinion that kids come first and I recognise I’ll always play second fiddle which I am ok with (I think).

Am I unreasonable for wanting more?

Thats not my idea of a serious relationship

If that was the case he should have 50% of the nights free to spend with you.

Regardless of whether he is truly separated (seems unlikely), why get involved with a man with children who hasn't got much time for you?

OP I didn’t even have to read your update to know he was married. You are his affair partner.
Even if he had sole custody of his kids, he could still get a babysitter/send them
to grandma/sleepover with friends.
He is married and lying to you. Sorry.

Sorry OP but before I had even read your update I presumed he was still married and you’re the bit on the side. Come on.

Oh OP, sorry but I literally burst into laughing when I read He tells me he is separated but they live together

He's not separated. You're the Bit On The Side.

I'm struggling to believe you are that gullible.

I do completely realise it must sound insane. I guess I’m in love with him and I trust him and when someone you trust tells you something, you believe it? I don’t have anything that disproves what he says so I’ve just gone along with it. Again, sounds pathetic but I’ve always just viewed him as an honest man. I have questioned it but he swears that she is aware of the situation and they’re both happily separated. I don’t know how I can prove otherwise :(

You are the mistress

If he had 50/50 childcare then he’d be free 50% of the time and see you on a night off.

I guarantee that this wife doesn’t know that he’s dating and that why he can only have dates that are a couple of hours max. They can be written off as a pint/meal with a male mate or work colleague.

He's simply getting a nice bit of attention on the side.

If this is even real.

If it is real, sorry OP I don't mean to be blunt, but come on.

Tell him you expect him to start staying over at yours.

call him in the evenings.

or just bin him off coz he’s married / attached and you’re the bit on the side.

OP, you’ve also posted about a husband? I’m just a bit confused. Are you single?

Coffee and lunch is during the work day.

drink after work is “I had to work late”.

surely you’re not that daft?

Is his house for sale?

Whether he is legally separated or not. He is not really free to pursue this relationship with you. you are getting the ends of his free time and you are worth so much more.

He has his home and his kids and his 'wife' (legally so) and then he has you when he can fit you in.

In your shoes I would break it off, make sure it is clear that you do not allow this relationship to affect or infect work, and just move on.

He is not available to you and you are worth more.

I’ve advance searched op.

id strongly suggest you spend some time on your own and get counselling to help you with your relationship issues.

good luck.

Well he can start spending the night then can't he?
And taking phone and video calls in the evenings
And if he refuses any of that then you have your answer

How long has he been 'separated' for and what's his reason for not moving out?

Phone his phone when you are with him and see what your number is stored under. 100% you are the OW.

They could be fully split and living together, divorce isn’t like in the films. But the red flag is that he doesn’t see you in the evenings outside of his home. That means he is either or both still living a family life (eg not 50/50 or he could see you out side / at yours) and / or his ex doesn’t know he’s dating and / or they have agreed not to date while living together.

I think maybe cool it off and see where it goes when he moves out. I know you say he’s a boyfriend of 4 months the but if you haven’t had more than a coffee date I think you’re just mates.

A couple of things stand out for me here, you've been dating 4 months and you say "I’ve only ever dated childless men whereby at this point we’ve been on loads of dates, weekends away, even holidays etc"
You've been on weekends away/holidays with men youve known 4 months?!

This wont be a relationship for you then 🤷‍♀️

If his ex lives in the house with the children why can’t he go way for a night or stay the night at yours? It doesn’t sound like he is separated.

If you like him this much, then ... tough? Sorry to say it, but he's a parent. He can't be doing those things like weekends away except a few times a year. When the kids are grown fine, but for now he has his head and heart in the right place.

As the relationship progresses you'll meet the kids and if it succeeds and you move in with each other etc then it will be family life, and you'll have more time with him naturally. Does he have his kids full time? If not then surely those evenings he can spend time with you?

Oh. I was going to say it was fine and assumed he had full custody of the kids or something. Him and his ex still living together could be innocent, but the fact he hasn’t stayed over at yours…hmm. It does sound like he could be cheating on his wife.

keep asking him to come and stay the night with you. If it’s literally always a no, then you’ve probably got your answer.

Is he on social media? You could work out if he’s still with his wife from that.

What happened to your Husband? You were married in January this year?

Are you still a Police Officer?
Is your current "boyfriend" a Police Officer as well?

Given that you have previously said you are actually married, is this a reverse??

He's lying to you because he spotted your naivety and knew he could string you along.

Dump him. Tell him that when he sorts out his living arrangements and is prepared to have a proper relationship rather than an affair, then maybe you can revisit.