AIBU to want more quality time with my boyfriend who has children

[curlyblondey]

Please be gentle with me, it’s my first time dating someone with kids and I’m trying desperately hard to make it work.

I have been dating a man for four months, we work together so had developed feelings a while before we were officially together. I truly adore him and he’s honestly just a really good, kind man.

He’s a few years older than me and has two kids (8 & 10). I haven’t met them and i think we’re a long way off that happening, which I am ok with. I don’t have children and don’t want them, but I’m maternal and absolutely see them being part of my future life.

The issue is, I feel I never get quality time with him and I’m struggling to gauge what’s normal at this stage. I’ve only ever dated childless men whereby at this point we’ve been on loads of dates, weekends away, even holidays etc

My boyfriend will meet me for coffee, lunch, a drink after work etc…but we’ve never spent a night together.

I know he makes time to do this and I’m super appreciative of it but it never feels like quality time? I’d love to have a weekend in or a movie night or just something with a bit more intimacy. Am I asking for too much?

I really don’t want to make an issue of him having children as it’s not per se, but I guess I’m feeling a little lonely and I miss him.

I am obviously of the opinion that kids come first and I recognise I’ll always play second fiddle which I am ok with (I think).

Am I unreasonable for wanting more?

IF (massive if here) they were separated with 50/50 childcare he could and WOULD have spent the night after 4 months. At best you are far down his list of priorities, while you are pining for a man who hasn't left his wife, at worst you are the side piece.

Dump him and go back to dating child free, definitely single men.

Wow OP, that's one hell of a drip feed! If he was really separated from his wife, why does he not stay at yours occasionally? Think about it. It's not unheard of for couples to continue living together after they split but having kids and an ex-wife does not stop him spending the night with you. Wake up! You are almost certainly 'the other woman' probably destroying the settled lives of his wife and children.

Who do you live with?

If he was 50/50 and single there would be no issue with you spending a weekend away together

Separated but having to live together is a common excuse married men tell their affair partners.

50/50 childcare leaves a lot of spare time to see you if he wanted.

He’s not available/isn’t interested in a proper relationship.

It’s very unlikely that his wife is aware they’re separated if he won’t ever be away overnight

Affair. People don't generally stay living together long after separation - we managed 6 months but that was during the first round of covid lockdowns and I was at work 45 hours a week

lol.

i’d be very, very wary of this.

I refuse to believe this is real!

What's the chances that @curlyblondey can't phone him or video call either?

Even if he were single - men don't come out of being married with children and want to jump straight into a similarly serious relationship. This isn't going to end well for you

If they manage childcare 50/50 then he would have been able to have the odd night off?! I wouldn't date a man who is still living with his wife/mother of his children, sounds awful. And if he won't give you more than an hour here and there it is likely he doesn't want the wife to know he is in a "relationship" with someone else.

For goodness sake- if his kids' mum lives with them, of course he can spend evenings and nights away. As far as his partner is concerned, they are in a relationship. Sadly what he has with you is an affair not a relationship.

Men with issues on the rebound do!

Errr…

I would assume they’re together, at least in some capacity. He won’t even stay at yours? If not, I would accept he’s lying to you and move on.

Does he let you call him whenever you like?

Surely you’re not that naive op?

How much older is he op? You sound very naive. Has he asked you not to mention your relationship at work too?

Oh bless you. I’m so sorry, he’s a married (?) man still living with his wife. You are the OW.

Dump him, dust yourself down and work on your boundaries for next time. 💐

He's definitely having an affair with you. Dump him.

Oh man, he saw you coming didn't he?!

@curlyblondey You might not want kids but continuing to see this man could result in you being pregnant to a married man who won't leave his wife and a very, very uncomfortable work place.

Are you very young?

Is he even single?

Between my BF and I we had three kids, 6/8/10 when we met and had nights, weekends away, holidays from the beginning, when the children were with their other parents.

Oh op, come on. Bet his wife doesn’t know they are ‘separated’! You are the OW. Ditch him.

You underestimate the men looking for a nanny with a fanny to look after their kids for their 50% of the time.

Wise up, you're the other woman.

"Separated but living together"... so he can stay over at yours, can't he? Oh no, wait.

Wake up, he saw you coming.