AIBU to want more quality time with my boyfriend who has children

[curlyblondey]

Please be gentle with me, it’s my first time dating someone with kids and I’m trying desperately hard to make it work.

I have been dating a man for four months, we work together so had developed feelings a while before we were officially together. I truly adore him and he’s honestly just a really good, kind man.

He’s a few years older than me and has two kids (8 & 10). I haven’t met them and i think we’re a long way off that happening, which I am ok with. I don’t have children and don’t want them, but I’m maternal and absolutely see them being part of my future life.

The issue is, I feel I never get quality time with him and I’m struggling to gauge what’s normal at this stage. I’ve only ever dated childless men whereby at this point we’ve been on loads of dates, weekends away, even holidays etc

My boyfriend will meet me for coffee, lunch, a drink after work etc…but we’ve never spent a night together.

I know he makes time to do this and I’m super appreciative of it but it never feels like quality time? I’d love to have a weekend in or a movie night or just something with a bit more intimacy. Am I asking for too much?

I really don’t want to make an issue of him having children as it’s not per se, but I guess I’m feeling a little lonely and I miss him.

I am obviously of the opinion that kids come first and I recognise I’ll always play second fiddle which I am ok with (I think).

Am I unreasonable for wanting more?

Then why does he have so little time for you?

You’re the epitome of love is blind.

You’ve been together four months. This is meant to be the time when he’s wooing you. Going to dinner, out to the cinema etc.

If he really shared his children 50/50 then he’d either be responsible for his children alternate weekends or have a Saturday/Sunday off. He’s clearly still living with his wife and you are his mistress.

Bin him.

Another vote for "he's having an affair".

Ask him to spend a night with you or organise a weekend away. When he refuses, ask him if his wife knows he is dating?

By going and knocking on his door? You will soon find out then

Do you have sex?? This isn't a relationship is it? If they were separated then he could stay out at night without her being bothered. He won't stay over = he can't stay out overnight because he's married.

You are the affair partner. You just haven't worked it out yet.

How to prove it? Ask his wife! If they are indeed separated, why would that be an issue…..

You do have something that disproves it!! The fact he lives with his wife and children, has never spent the night with you and only offers you an hour at a time! Come on - he’s literally spelled it out for you! Can you ring him, he answers and whispers sweet nothings WHENEVER YOU WANT??? On a night when he’s at home with his wife, can you do that?

You go through life believing everything anyone tells you? What is your basis for trusting this man? Have you met his family/friends/work colleagues? What do you know about him other than what he’s told you?

How old are you, OP? I don’t think you’ve said.

Also, you don’t have to ‘prove’ anything. It’s not a court case. You can just stop dating him.

You're extremely unreasonable to expect "quality time" with your older married boyfriend. He's got a wife and kids, so you're way down the list of priorities. Coffee and lunches are extremely low effort and little time and sex is probably at your place. You're the side chick.

End the affair, tell him to give you a ring when his divorce is final.

As a pp suggested, ask him if you can speak to his "ex" wife - when he says no, you'll have your answer.

Were you born yesterday op. He’s clear as day lying to you and married.
He meets you at all times that can be easily explained to his wife.

Also a big red flag here, someone who is older than you and has kids that is already leading to him being independent- what fool is going to want to go back to the baby stage?!
You are going to be made a big fool of here. He’s married, you are unknowingly part of the affair and he’s never going to have a child that you want.
Cut your losses and please wake up. This man is taking you for a ride.

Oh OP, you are being used here.
He's married and you are 100% his bit on the side.

Get away from him before you ruin your life.

You were 27 in 2020 so you’re 33 or thereabouts. You had an unofficial boyfriend for 4 years who’d made you official for 1 year and you felt he was keeping you a secret. And then in January you were married and worried you were being abused.

your relationships are not healthy. You need better spider senses and better, stronger boundaries.

was your family of origin difficult and/or abusive?

Ask him to stay over.

If they’re separated and doing 50/50 then he has 50% of evenings and weekends free so why can’t he stay?

Did you know that the word gullible doesn’t appear in the dictionary? Honestly, go and check……

You are being extremely naïve here.

If they were totally split up and had no issues with each other dating again, then she would have no issue with him being away for a weekend.

Put it to the test. Tell him you're booking a weekend away for the two of you (Saturday to Sunday) and ask which weekend works for him. Either he will give you a weekend (then go ahead and book something) or he will make excuses (in which case you have your answer).

Sorry OP, but this speak volumes that they’re still living together as a married couple and IMO he is stringing you along big time. Move on, you deserve better!

Does your DH know you’re having an affair or have you dumped him for this new fella?

You've been on weekends away/holidays with men youve known 4 months?!

Me and DP met at Christmas, got together in the New Year and had had a few weekends away/abroad before the April. No kids on either side and surely not that unusual?

Just on your update if she knew about it then why isn't he staying the night? Sorry op but your behaving like you don't have a brain. You cannot be that naive.

I went on a long weekend away with a man I had only been dating about 2 months coz he was working in a foreign city and I fancied a short break 🤷‍♀️. No shade for that.

Even if he is telling the truth (which is about 50% likely) he is not in a position to be in a relationship. Do yourself a favour and walk away now. You deserve someone who can properly commit to you.

He was wrong to start something with you while his personal life was so unsettled.

What about the op starting something whilst her personal life is so unsettled? Or doesn’t that count? She was married in January!