AIBU to want more quality time with my boyfriend who has children

[curlyblondey]

Please be gentle with me, it’s my first time dating someone with kids and I’m trying desperately hard to make it work.

I have been dating a man for four months, we work together so had developed feelings a while before we were officially together. I truly adore him and he’s honestly just a really good, kind man.

He’s a few years older than me and has two kids (8 & 10). I haven’t met them and i think we’re a long way off that happening, which I am ok with. I don’t have children and don’t want them, but I’m maternal and absolutely see them being part of my future life.

The issue is, I feel I never get quality time with him and I’m struggling to gauge what’s normal at this stage. I’ve only ever dated childless men whereby at this point we’ve been on loads of dates, weekends away, even holidays etc

My boyfriend will meet me for coffee, lunch, a drink after work etc…but we’ve never spent a night together.

I know he makes time to do this and I’m super appreciative of it but it never feels like quality time? I’d love to have a weekend in or a movie night or just something with a bit more intimacy. Am I asking for too much?

I really don’t want to make an issue of him having children as it’s not per se, but I guess I’m feeling a little lonely and I miss him.

I am obviously of the opinion that kids come first and I recognise I’ll always play second fiddle which I am ok with (I think).

Am I unreasonable for wanting more?

You’re not his girlfriend pet, you’re his mistress.

Why can’t he stay over at your place?

He’s still married and you’re the other woman!!

do you even go on dates??

You don't have to prove it.

Lunch, coffee and a quick drink after work is not a relationship, (whether he is living with her or not) all these things are easy to explain away to a partner he is living with. She will not know he is 'dating' you, although those things are hardly dates. Whether they are separated or not, of he isn't emotionally separated enough to have a proper relationship, letting the 'ex' know, and actually able to spend a night together, then he is not ready to move on.

You have let yourself get carried away believing his bullshit and accepting crums as 'being in a relationship', also you shpuld never be desperate to make a 4 month relationship work. If it isn't naturally working and ticking all the boxes then you don't force it, you walk away.

You are letting yourself get worked up over this man, while each night he returns home to her, has dinner with her and tells her "sorry im late, had to work late, or went for a drink with 1 of the guys". Ditch this man. Expect better and from now on if they live with another woman, that is a red flag worthy of walking away, even if they ARE separated. They have NOT completed the separation to be in a position to date without treating you like an affair partner.

And in answer to your post title, this is not normal for men with kids of they share custody, they would be able to take you out for a proper full evening & spend the night together on his days away from the kids

At four months you’d normally have been on weekends away and holidays? Yeah, you sound like you’re in entirely the wrong mindset to date a man with two children.

Call her and ask her, obviously

I had an affair in the past. You are the OW.

Ive not rtft. From your first post i thought affair too. With this post it sounds extremely complicated. Even if what he is saying is true, I just think you'd be better off walking away from this very messy situation.

Separated but live together? 🤨

A man with children, who is involved with them will always have a lot less free time than one without- i'm afraid you just have to accept that.

Sorry but you’re an affair. Separated but living together means that he could easily spend the night with you because his ex would be fine and living in the house so would be with the kids. Still married and he can’t tell her he’s out for the night. He’s just working late when with you.

I agree with others, it does sound like you are his mistress.

I understand you not being invited to his if they are separated and looking after his DC in the same house. But why not go to yours? Or a hotel? If he has 50/50 childcare, he would get some nights off and surely he would be keen to get away from the house his ex lives in? Has he explained a plan for them to live apart? It isn't uncommon from what I've seen that in the early stages of a separation people still live together, but unless its a very large house, are they planning to for another 10+ years?

No evening dates in 4 months sounds very strange for someone who is single and shares custody. Good luck establishing his actual status and hope you find someone trustworthy soon

Youve known someone 4 months, so 16 weeks and you go on holiday with them?! Geeeez

What’s wrong with that? I used to go on holiday few times a year, nothing sacred about that

He’s married and you’re his mistress OP.

😂😂😂

Yeah, why not? I went on holiday with my now DH (been married 16 years) after 2-3 months. We had a great time!

If you have his address send him a card to say how much you love him. You’ll soon find out if he is single or not. It is highly unlikely that he is not separated, if he is then he will appreciate the cheesy card.