Aibu to be hurt?

[notpartofthefamily]

Dp and I have been together 7 years, we have 1 DS together and dp has dss who also lives with us.

A couple months ago fil mentioned doing a big family holiday, dp said sounds good let us know details. I get on great with ils so i was also fine with it. Dps brother got in touch to arrange booking. It seems I’m not invited. It’s fil, mil, dp sil (dh sister) and bil (dh brother) plus dss and DS. Dp asked why and apparently bil was awkward and said something about mil and fil wanting it to be just family!!
Dp has said he doesn’t feel comfortable talking to fil about it. It seems he’s going and taking ds, dss.

Im so upset, it’s never occurred to me im not family. I spend lots of time with fil and mil , attend family events etc. I’ve been in their lives 7 years!
Dp thinks I need to let it go but aibu to be upset?

I agree family is more than blood but maybe I’m wanting a relationship that isn’t there?

How old are you and dp and also how old is ss and s? You've been together 7 years and his siblings are in their 20s. So are you both in your 20s and the children came about when you were both very young? Was he with ss mum for a long time?

I feel like either they have some grudge about the ex and how you guys got together or you got together as teens and they e provided a lot of support with your dp when ss was small and still kind of consider him a separate unit.

They might also know you're not getting married so you don't have to share finances with your dp and therefore think yous aren't as serious and long term as you think you are. Hard to say but I'd say there's something behind it and your dp doesn't want to discuss it with them because he's a coward.

I still think you are in the right even if those are their reasons I just think they must be justifying it to themselves somehow

Way too young to understand you have separate families and so separate holidays. Also 4 year olds need and want both parents.

Your DH is a dick for going along with this and not speaking to his parents to check that they actually don't want you coming.

Come on OP, you're speculating about your PIL's reasons but seem passively accepting of neither your DP nor you actually asking them.

Could it be something to do with your DSS? Are your family welcoming to him? When you and your DP and DS visit your family, does DSS come as well?

What your ILs have done is very pointed and spiteful so I'm clutching at straws to think of some reason why they would do this, especially as you have a good relationship with them.

Dp is the eldest we are in our thirties. Previous relationship was around 5 years they split when DSs was a baby and we met the following year. All amicable. I assume dp’ s ex was involved in family like I am and at points bil and sil have had partners and been included.

We don’t see my family that often so dss knows them but doesn’t really have a relationship with them .

Your DP is uncomfortable talking to his own father about this? Why? Bc he wants a free holiday more than not upsetting and alienating the mother of his child? Why did his brother invite him and not their parents?

All very odd. I wouldn’t be attending any further ‘family’ events or inviting them to attend mine or my house. Certainly wouldn’t be around with my child if DP invited them round, shocking twats

-edited as OP answered my question in pp

NO NO NO.

"Technically" is just you trying to find an excuse for this.

Your partner and siblings are not teenage children going away with parents as a family unit, as can be seen from there being grandchildren involved! If they want just family then grandchildren should not be invited, I can kind of see that as a thing, just about. (Though it's still weird).

Many couples aren't married after 20 years - does that make them not-a-family? Maybe if you'd only been together a few months and there were no children it might be ok. But 7 years and the mother of his child?! Ludicrous.

Imagine this as a wedding invitation?! He gets the invite but no plus 1, however the kids are invited. (Sorry, but obviously you are just a plus 1, not a partner).

So even in his 30s, I'm assuming say 32, you got together when he was 25 and he must have got together with ex at 19. Maybe they do t feel on an even footing because of your dh history and the remaining unmarried? Maybe they're not getting attached to you as they got attached to a previous partner?

Family dynamics are weird and hard to understand from the outside. Your dp not discussing it means he likely already has an inking and doesn't want to hear it directly from them I think. I'd tell him he needs to have an open discussion with them about it. I hope it works out but I can see why you're so hurt definitely

Id honestly book a gorgeous solo holiday because you get to be child free but then seriously be reconsidering the relationship afterwards.

Is BiL pushing this view of excluding you? Sounds like it. Has nobody had discussion with the PiL? Your partner should go direct to his parents and say he is surprised and disappointed- hear the reasoning for himself. Then cancel if they are in agreement with BiL.

I can kind of understand it - as in they just want the siblings together, one of whom now has kids, so they come too.

I think partners automatically become part of a family. But I know others don't (looking at you sil, in my case!)

But, the way that OP's family have gone about is very hurtful. They haven't realised or cared that they are going cause a deep schism or thought of the future. They expect the OP to accept her place as an outsider when it suits them.

If I was in this situation, I would write a letter to the in laws. Not letting spineless DH be the inbetween. Explain that you are hurt because you now realise that they do not consider you as family, while you thought otherwise.

Because I would be going very low contact after this. They should understand why. Not making assumptions about you being petty or jealous.

I expect when DH's siblings get partners this won't happen again. But the damage has been done now. Very hard to come back from.

Also fuck DP saying that she can do the same with her family. Basically he is dividing his own immediate family (OP, himself and sons) into two camps.

I’m sorry but your first paragraph is such a load of waffle.

There is absolutely no excuse for OP to be excluded.

I don't think so either, I'm trying to work out what THEY think, what's making them have such an unusual reaction to her. Or would they expect her to come but pay for herself? Is it as straightforward as thinking they don't have shared finances so she can pay for herself? There has to be some way they are justifying it to themselves that's all I'm saying.

At what point do partners become family though? My brother for example was a serial monogamist, always had a 'partner' and she at least would always think it was massively serious. After a few months thees women would be right in the middle of our family and sure they were there to stay then he's inevitably end it and these devastated women would be trying to talk to us about what happened as they thought they were family. It was emotionally exhausting. We stopped bothering with his girlfriends until he got married. Which was at least a signal from him that he intended to stick around. Conversely my sister isn't married to her partner and he's clearly been a serious partner from very early on and absolutely is family.

I do wonder about the back story from his families point of view and if his dating behaviour colours how they see the relationship. Or if he's told them they're not getting married because she's protecting her finances and they've taken that badly.

I think her dp knows what the issue is that's why he won't discuss with them because it's uncomfortable for him

Honestly, this would taint my relationship with ILs forever. I can't believe that your DP can't see what a huge snub this is. Technically, your DSS isn't your family because you aren't blood related, but I'm sure that your DP and his family would (rightly) be appalled if you tried to exclude him from stuff that you did as a family.

Going forward, I wouldn't be able to get past this. It would massively change the relationship with ILs for the worse and I would find it very hard to forgive DP.

Maybe ask your MIL how she would feel if your FIL had gone away with his parents and your DH and siblings in the past without inviting her. Maybe the penny will drop that there is a point you become a unit.

I’d be making it very clear that if this is how DP and in-laws want to go forward, you will be withdrawing from the family including family events and caring responsibilities in the future.
I appreciate that is very difficult for you and maybe feels like you are escalating things but it’s about protecting yourself.
They don’t get to have it both ways and dictate when you are or aren’t relevant or useful to them.
As the current popular MN phrase goes, don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm- especially when the others appear to give zero shits about you.

@notpartofthefamily the only reason they have DGS is because of you. If you didn't exist then neither would your DS. So that makes you family.

To feel close to them then not grt invited to something like this would make me feel so sad. I'd feel like the whole relationship was fake.

I have days out with just my brother, his DCs, and my parents but thats only because our partners are working and its just a day out. Not a holiday. As a holiday we all go. Partners are always included.

Stand your ground and make it clear that you're a family so it's all or none.

(Although you can't stop DP taking DSS but then that would be him choosing his family over you.)

I would be hurt by the il's decision to exclude but I would be raging mad at dh to quite happily leave you behind.

What is wrong with him?!
Something needs to be said.
And as for ds, at 4 years old, no I wouldn't be letting him take him on holiday without you, not in those circumstances anyway.

Your DP needs to get over feeling “uncomfortable” and start getting very comfortable about speaking to his dad directly to find out what’s going on and sharpish, because he’s apparently just fine with allowing you to be left feeling this upset with no proper explanation or apology and that’s absolutely not okay. I’m afraid I’d be looking at them all very differently after this.

It’s the enduring impact of their exclusion that is the problem here.

None of them appear to have thought through the consequences and lasting impressions on you and your son…even on your partner who is so immature that he doesn't find it difficult to allow them to downgrade his relationship with you to much, much less than you thought it was.
More fool him for being spineless.
Your exclusion by his family highlights his passive ignorance.

Unless he (or the forgiving you) can quickly persuade them of their ill judged decision, then I think the lasting damage to your relationship will very quickly render it irreparable.

The only hope you have, is to discover, when talking this through with them (if you partner won’t), that it’s bossy BIL who is driving your exclusion, not them.

If it can’t be sorted, I certainly wouldn’t allow my son to be conditioned in this way to understand that his mum is so far less valued a family member that she isn’t good enough to be invited. It’s too psychologically messy for him, given you are still supposed to be in a relationship with his dad, and given that you are disappointed by the exclusion.

Your partner is an absolute idiot if he thinks he can take his sons away on a family holiday and continue to retain you as a loving partner when the damage has already been done.

I’m really sorry OP. This is devastating. No wonder you’re upset.

Going forward I wouldn’t be going round as much, if at all, all this… just family, we don’t do anything just us any more etc is hinting that who they want to really see is clearly just kids/grandkids.

Know you say you get on great with them but could it be you thought the relationship was one way, but them thinking it was another (i.e. be great to see DS and his boys alone).

Don’t understand their logic, think most folk wouldn’t.

You haven’t done anything wrong but for your own mental health time to step right back. Feck them.

+You should arrange to do something amazing that week with a friend or your folks.

I’m afraid I’d be looking at them all very differently after this. @LokiDoki75 is spot on.

I am so sorry that you’ve been excluded in this way, it’s a really horrible feeling. However, the biggest problem (in my opinion) is your DP just going along with it! I have to say this would cause me to reevaluate the whole relationship. I hope you are able to resolve everything x