Aibu to be hurt?

[notpartofthefamily]

Dp and I have been together 7 years, we have 1 DS together and dp has dss who also lives with us.

A couple months ago fil mentioned doing a big family holiday, dp said sounds good let us know details. I get on great with ils so i was also fine with it. Dps brother got in touch to arrange booking. It seems I’m not invited. It’s fil, mil, dp sil (dh sister) and bil (dh brother) plus dss and DS. Dp asked why and apparently bil was awkward and said something about mil and fil wanting it to be just family!!
Dp has said he doesn’t feel comfortable talking to fil about it. It seems he’s going and taking ds, dss.

Im so upset, it’s never occurred to me im not family. I spend lots of time with fil and mil , attend family events etc. I’ve been in their lives 7 years!
Dp thinks I need to let it go but aibu to be upset?

That’s awful

No we have had our family holiday. Why aren’t we married? We have tended to keep finances seperate, I have money from my side I don’t want to hand over and dh has his savings. Financially it doesn’t make sense.

He definitely loves me we are a family.

I agree with @ABoldStatement.
It sounds very much as though your DP is very much on board with the arrangement and possibly knew you were going to be excluded from.the outset - if he hasn't got the confidence to talk to his own parents it very much follows he wouldn't have had the confidence to tell you the arrangements and so needs to put the blame on his family.

I honestly think you need to reassess your relationship. If you aren't married you are possibly in a much more financially precarious position and the fact you are being told very plainly you are not family doesn't bode well for you future together. Don't underestimate the message your DP is giving you about how he views you in his life.

I’m related to DS but I’m not related to anyone else. They are not wrong about that.

It’s a week. It is uk based so not too far.

Thanks I am questioning the length of time we have been together. Would it be different if they had known me 20/30 years.
Dp said he would be fine if I went away just my family but they don’t do that.

You’re still focusing on the in-laws (“would it be different if they had known me 20/30 years”) and not on your DP. Your DP going along with it without raising it with his parents is so disrespectful to you.

You need to think about what message this gives your child (and DSS). When you or DP tell them you’re not going too, how will you explain it to them?

But you get to say no thank you, I wouldn't be fine without DS. I'd be putting my foot down with DP and saying if he goes, he goes without DS.

I actually asked that last night and he said well you have a family you could go away with and dc are old enough to understand we have different families and we are not related to each others family . Maybe it would be less of an issue if I did stuff solo with my family.

Is there a cultural element?
It would still be weird and disrespectful, but at least there'd be a potential explanation.
Regardless, the husband is an absolute dick to go along with it and allow his wife to be excluded in this way.

How old is your DS?

Stand up for yourself as one of the family. Visit FIL in person and ask why you are not invited? And state clearly that you would like to be included.

If you are still not invited refuse to allow your DS to holiday with people who have such unkind views. Is there something weird happening such as DSS's mother coming along?

^Very much this^

DS cannot be "one of the family" if you aren't. You should absolutely forbid this. There's something not right here and it's time for your man child to grow a spine and stand up for you. His priorities should always be children first, then partner, then extended family.

Actually the more I read the original post the more irritated I am. I'd advise him that you will be booking that same week away with DS. Maybe see your family if that's an option, otherwise a nice b&b somewhere with access to a zoo or a Legoland equivalent etc. and charge it all to the joint account.

I think most of us have been in a situation where you have to choose a side - your own family vs parental family - and you should almost always choose your partner and children. It's usually over something much smaller than this but it shouldn't take a nanosecond to decide that your partner and children are more important.

I wouldn’t feel comfortable going if i wasn’t wanted

He’s 4

I can't believe this. Is this a wind-up? You are a family with your DP, DS, and DSS. That's your nuclear family which means by extension, you are now part of his wider family. Utterly ignorant, rude and massively disrespectful to be treated otherwise, by all of the others, ESPECIALLY DP.

This would (and should) change this forever with all of them. Can you not show your DP this thread to try to show him you are NOT being unreasonable, he is and he needs to sort it as it is sending you the most hurtful message ever. Truly horrible.

No cultural element

Your son is 4, 1000% I'd be saying he's not going and take him on a really fun holiday elsewhere, an adventure just the two of you, your family seeing as only blood counts on your DP side.

Not to make your son niss or, but to give him a fun time and to treat blood connections the same as your DP.

But is this a wind-up? Lots of replies, late and early?

I just can't believe people would be this insensitive.

You are right it’s like everyone is included except me. It feels like I’m being left out for not being related to them. I could understand if we didn’t live together or maybe even if I barely saw them/ had a limited relationship with them. But I see them nearly as much as dh and kids. I know they can’t be forced to love me but surely it’s common courtesy to include everyone in a family unit?
dp said they just want kids and grandkids which I am neither I think he’s trying to get their perspective.

I would absolutely not let my child go to this without me and my partner would NEVER even consider going to this without me. Sure he would grab a casual dinner with siblings or pop and see his parents without me it’s ok to have a relationship with your parents without your partner always there, but a family holiday and your partner is the only one excluded?! Absolutely not that’s insane to me. You and your children are his family. They are his extended family. He needs to give his head a wobble I’m actually flabbergasted you’re tolerating this from your partner.

But you are their son’s partner and their grandchild’s mother. You are a part of their family!

Family doesn’t mean blood.

If your partner goes, and hasn’t got the balls to say anything to his parents I would leave him.

Or if you stay, you have the opportunity to get the best revenge at Christmas. Invite all your family round and tell your partner his parents/siblings aren’t invited as it’s just for family only. See how he likes that.

Do you mean my replies or everyone else’s. ? I couldn’t sleep thinking about it.

They are beyond horrible especially your DH for going along with this.