Page 6 | Aibu to be hurt?

notpartofthefamily · 2026-08-15T20:23:58+00:00

Dp and I have been together 7 years, we have 1 DS together and dp has dss who also lives with us. A couple months ago fil mentioned doing a big family holiday, dp said sounds good let us know details. I get on great with ils so i was also fine with it. Dps brother got in touch to arrange booking. It seems I’m not invited. It’s fil, mil, dp sil (dh sister) and bil (dh brother) plus dss and DS. Dp asked why and apparently bil was awkward and said something about mil and fil wanting it to be just family!! Dp has said he doesn’t feel comfortable talking to fil about it. It seems he’s going and taking ds, dss. Im so upset, it’s never occurred to me im not family. I spend lots of time with fil and mil , attend family events etc. I’ve been in their lives 7 years! Dp thinks I need to let it go but aibu to be upset?

Idontknowmuch · Today 06:43

I would be very hurt by this because it sounds as though you viewed them as family, and now they have drawn a line around family that excludes you. You've treated them like family, and when push comes to shove, they don't treat you the same way. That's an uncomfortable reality check, and I'm really sorry OP. I personally wouldn't want to go on the holiday now, but here's where I differ from other replies. I would tell DP to go, and allow DS to go as well, they are after all family (as you are in reality but hear me out) and DS might enjoy it. And I would spend that time really reflecting on my situation and deciding how boundaries might be set going forward. I would make sure I treated myself in that week, a week on your own is rare for a Mum. And by the end of the week I would have a plan around just how much of my energy is going into that family going forward. Including DP. Good luck.

JenRummy · Today 06:43

Victoriawould24 · Today 06:31

I’d be making it very clear that if this is how DP and in-laws want to go forward, you will be withdrawing from the family including family events and caring responsibilities in the future.
I appreciate that is very difficult for you and maybe feels like you are escalating things but it’s about protecting yourself.
They don’t get to have it both ways and dictate when you are or aren’t relevant or useful to them.
As the current popular MN phrase goes, don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm- especially when the others appear to give zero shits about you.

This 👏

usernamemustnotcontainspecialcharacters · Today 06:43

Tough shit. You all go or you all stay. Put your foot down. You partner doesn’t seem to be able to.
text them now, thank you for the invite but we travel as a family. If they then say you can go, say no. The damage is done.

EvieBB · Today 06:44

Venusunbroken · Yesterday 21:39

The other thing to check op, is could one of them be ill?

Yes, ill in the head!

winter8090 · Today 06:46

You are the mother of their grandchild. Does that not make you family?

This is poor and DH should be intervening. A polite way would be for him just to say sorry he can’t go as he doesn’t think it’s fair them all going away and leaving you behind. Because it’s not.

AtlasPine · Today 06:56

JenRummy · Today 06:42

I’m afraid I’d be looking at them all very differently after this. @LokiDoki75 is spot on.

Agreed. And I would tell them that, succinctly and calmly. Then withdraw because, like the OP, I wouldn’t want to go where I wasn’t wanted.

I would never ban my partner from taking his son though. That’s a step too far and using the child to make a point.

JenRummy · Today 06:56

How did the relationship end between DP and DSS mother? Any reason from then?

Could be you hit the nail on the head OP when you said maybe I’m wanting a relationship that isn’t there.

You say you’ve visited almost as much as DP for family gatherings, only now it seems they viewed them as family gatherings + you.

If DP can’t or won’t speak to in laws, would he at least speak to BIL? Ask who decided? BIL pushing or PILs or all of them? Fact BIL went awkward means there’s more to it.

It is about more than a holiday. How do you navigate the relationship going forward? I’d have to take a step back, let DP take kids round and for events reiterate you’re not family so don’t want to impose.

Foodieasfuck · Today 07:00

Wow! I just cannot imagine inviting my son and grandchildren and not my DIl. No wonder you are so hurt. Sadly, it will change the relationship you have with them going forward and they only have their insensitivity to blame!

EvieBB · Today 07:00

notpartofthefamily · Yesterday 21:48

No we are great. I think he doesn’t really see the issue because technically they are right I’m not related to them.

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Sorry, but you're not as great as you think. A supportive and loving partner would not in any way think that this is acceptable! Blood relation or not, you should be classed as family and your partner should have your back and call this out for what it is - bullying! They are excluding you - which is a form of bullying. If your partner can't see this or call this behaviour out, then he's out of order.

socialdilemmawhattodo · Today 07:04

Gooseling · Today 06:19

I’m sorry but your first paragraph is such a load of waffle.

There is absolutely no excuse for OP to be excluded.

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No it wasn't. It's exactly what i had been thinking reading the thread. PILs had got close to Ss's mum, and perhaps just dont want to go there again. Perhaps they know their son is unreliable/flaky and they can't see this relationship lasting. Maybe they're just really horrible, but nothing OP has said so far indicates that. So there will be a reason. I think oP should pop round on her own and find out.

EvieBB · Today 07:09

JenRummy · Today 06:56

How did the relationship end between DP and DSS mother? Any reason from then?

Could be you hit the nail on the head OP when you said maybe I’m wanting a relationship that isn’t there.

You say you’ve visited almost as much as DP for family gatherings, only now it seems they viewed them as family gatherings + you.

If DP can’t or won’t speak to in laws, would he at least speak to BIL? Ask who decided? BIL pushing or PILs or all of them? Fact BIL went awkward means there’s more to it.

It is about more than a holiday. How do you navigate the relationship going forward? I’d have to take a step back, let DP take kids round and for events reiterate you’re not family so don’t want to impose.

Yes I'd be so hurt I'd be taking a step back from all events...I couldn't be somewhere where I know I'm not truly wanted....and when they asked where I wasn't there I'd make sure, like you said, that I'm not family so wouldn't want to impose!

JenRummy · Today 07:11

I think oP should pop round on her own and find out.

That is way too embarrassing and gives them more ammo.

If they’d of wanted to give an explanation they would have. Any put on spot conversation makes OP look pushy and desperate and they’re unlikely to give the real reason anyways.

socialdilemmawhattodo · Today 07:16

JenRummy · Today 07:11

I think oP should pop round on her own and find out.

That is way too embarrassing and gives them more ammo.

If they’d of wanted to give an explanation they would have. Any put on spot conversation makes OP look pushy and desperate and they’re unlikely to give the real reason anyways.

A private conversation will give OP info to decide the nature and tone of the relationship going forward. And might even give some closure rather than the uncertainty of not knowing.

TheBlueKoala · Today 07:17

@notpartofthefamily My Mil would never do this but more importantly my dh wouldn't allow it. What's wrong with all of them? I couldn't get over such a hurtful rejection.

CoffeeBotherer · Today 07:19

LAMPS1 · Today 06:36

It’s the enduring impact of their exclusion that is the problem here.

None of them appear to have thought through the consequences and lasting impressions on you and your son…even on your partner who is so immature that he doesn't find it difficult to allow them to downgrade his relationship with you to much, much less than you thought it was.
More fool him for being spineless.
Your exclusion by his family highlights his passive ignorance.

Unless he (or the forgiving you) can quickly persuade them of their ill judged decision, then I think the lasting damage to your relationship will very quickly render it irreparable.

The only hope you have, is to discover, when talking this through with them (if you partner won’t), that it’s bossy BIL who is driving your exclusion, not them.

If it can’t be sorted, I certainly wouldn’t allow my son to be conditioned in this way to understand that his mum is so far less valued a family member that she isn’t good enough to be invited. It’s too psychologically messy for him, given you are still supposed to be in a relationship with his dad, and given that you are disappointed by the exclusion.

Your partner is an absolute idiot if he thinks he can take his sons away on a family holiday and continue to retain you as a loving partner when the damage has already been done.

"If it can’t be sorted, I certainly wouldn’t allow my son to be conditioned in this way to understand that his mum is so far less valued a family member that she isn’t good enough to be invited. It’s too psychologically messy for him, given you are still supposed to be in a relationship with his dad, and given that you are disappointed by the exclusion."

I found this paragraph very insightful. Kids see everything. They don't fully understand the nuance, but they take feelings about what's happened away with them. (Think how a dog understands human cues better than most humans). This will be so odd for him to be in a group from which you've been ostracized, and it'll stick with him.

I'm also wondering how your partner is going to explain it to him when he's asked, I'm sure he's not going to tell the truth.

Litehartstuth · Today 07:26

So you're married apparently =not part of the family. That means you can't holiday with them

Mil and fin are married so does that mean one of them are not family? So according to their own logic one of them should stay home .

Original poster

notpartofthefamily · Today 07:29

Litehartstuth · Today 07:26

So you're married apparently =not part of the family. That means you can't holiday with them

Mil and fin are married so does that mean one of them are not family? So according to their own logic one of them should stay home .

Mil and fil are married

OP posts:

Original poster

notpartofthefamily · Today 07:31

CoffeeBotherer · Today 07:19

"If it can’t be sorted, I certainly wouldn’t allow my son to be conditioned in this way to understand that his mum is so far less valued a family member that she isn’t good enough to be invited. It’s too psychologically messy for him, given you are still supposed to be in a relationship with his dad, and given that you are disappointed by the exclusion."

I found this paragraph very insightful. Kids see everything. They don't fully understand the nuance, but they take feelings about what's happened away with them. (Think how a dog understands human cues better than most humans). This will be so odd for him to be in a group from which you've been ostracized, and it'll stick with him.

I'm also wondering how your partner is going to explain it to him when he's asked, I'm sure he's not going to tell the truth.

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Thank you I agree it’s like I am lesser due to not being related.

OP posts:

Itwasallyellow2 · Today 07:31

For the sake of adding one person to the holiday (you), you should be included.

To take your son away without you is wrong.

If it were a case of all siblings having short term partners then I might understand a bit better why they would do a blanket ban on partners but not in these circumstances.

If I were you I would use the time to go away myself either on my own or with a friend.

Original poster

notpartofthefamily · Today 07:36

JenRummy · Today 06:56

How did the relationship end between DP and DSS mother? Any reason from then?

Could be you hit the nail on the head OP when you said maybe I’m wanting a relationship that isn’t there.

You say you’ve visited almost as much as DP for family gatherings, only now it seems they viewed them as family gatherings + you.

If DP can’t or won’t speak to in laws, would he at least speak to BIL? Ask who decided? BIL pushing or PILs or all of them? Fact BIL went awkward means there’s more to it.

It is about more than a holiday. How do you navigate the relationship going forward? I’d have to take a step back, let DP take kids round and for events reiterate you’re not family so don’t want to impose.

Ending due to growing apart no big fall out and get on fine now.

Dps ex doesn’t see them now but I don’t think anyone is particularly bothered by that. Their relationship with their grandson is facilitated through dp.

Yes that’s exactly how it feels, it’s family + me.

OP posts:

Coronaperona · Today 07:39

Do the family ever have meet ups of just siblings and grandchildren with no partners?

Original poster

notpartofthefamily · Today 07:39

AtlasPine · Today 06:56

Agreed. And I would tell them that, succinctly and calmly. Then withdraw because, like the OP, I wouldn’t want to go where I wasn’t wanted.

I would never ban my partner from taking his son though. That’s a step too far and using the child to make a point.

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Yes if I put my foot down and say DS can’t go am I denying him time with his extended family(and dp and dss) will he resent me for it.

OP posts:

Wadsworthy · Today 07:40

Are your partner’s siblings’ partners invited?

Original poster

notpartofthefamily · Today 07:40

Coronaperona · Today 07:39

Do the family ever have meet ups of just siblings and grandchildren with no partners?

There’s times I haven’t gone (work/illness /busy) but it’s the first time I’ve been excluded

OP posts:

Notquitethetruth · Today 07:41

notpartofthefamily · Today 05:05

He definitely loves me we are a family.

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His version of love comes with boundaries as he is allowing his parents and siblings to put you in 'other' category.
'we are a family ' but you are not. You see your family as a unit but clearly your DP and the rest of them do not. They are deliberately excluding you, arranged this holiday without giving you a thought, presented it as a fait accompli, and your DP after initial push back is going along with it. That is not family.
My primary concern would be the effect on and the message it sends to your young impressionable 4 year old. His grandparents, uncle, aunt, his brother and his Dad are all going on holiday together and leaving Mum at home as she is not family. They are quite happy for her to be excluded and left at home.
It's cruel and disrespectful to you and it should have you re-evaluating your relationship with them, setting new boundaries and pulling right back. Yes, as your DPs siblings develop new relationships they may change their attitudes but meanwhile there is a young little boy along with his brother being shown that their mother/stepmother doesn't matter.