Aibu to be hurt?

[notpartofthefamily]

Dp and I have been together 7 years, we have 1 DS together and dp has dss who also lives with us.

A couple months ago fil mentioned doing a big family holiday, dp said sounds good let us know details. I get on great with ils so i was also fine with it. Dps brother got in touch to arrange booking. It seems I’m not invited. It’s fil, mil, dp sil (dh sister) and bil (dh brother) plus dss and DS. Dp asked why and apparently bil was awkward and said something about mil and fil wanting it to be just family!!
Dp has said he doesn’t feel comfortable talking to fil about it. It seems he’s going and taking ds, dss.

Im so upset, it’s never occurred to me im not family. I spend lots of time with fil and mil , attend family events etc. I’ve been in their lives 7 years!
Dp thinks I need to let it go but aibu to be upset?

Yes I agree. If there was more of us
maybe they would feel they couldn’t get away with it? I just wonder where it ends. If bil gets married am I relegated to evening guest? Or not included? If bil or sil were married would their spouse get an invite?

Your DH is going to have a lot to do another day when they are infirm, given you're not family!

Ha true!

Remind him ds is only half their family so he'd best stay home.
Utter cunts imo .
I'd be rethinking my future with such a spineless sap.

I wouldn't want my DS to go if I was excluded and I'd be fuming if my DP wanted to go without me.

I think this is dreadful, your DP is treating you appallingly.

If I were you I would refuse to give DP permission to take your DS on the holiday - he can go with DSS and have a lovely time, you and DS will see him when he returns. I wouldn’t speak to in-laws ever again and I’d have to consider whether they should have access to DS.

If DP decided that he was going and taking DS that would be the end of our relationship. I would expect my partner of 7 years to stick up for me and take my side no matter what. You deserve someone better.

Not ok at all!
You need to ask-why does BIL have a problem with you?
And why is he getting to set the rules?
I would go, with your husband, and speak to them all tomorrow to try to thrash this out.

I would make it clear to DH that you’re hurt. And if PIL ever ask, I would make it clear you’re hurt to them too.

And I would quietly stop treating them like famiky. No more hosting or help or presents or cards or posting pictures to group chat.

I had something similar happen last year.

I lost my shit with DP as he seemed to think it was OK for him and our child to play happy families with his parents, siblings and BIL.

After a “robust” conversation he realised how selfish and excluding his family (and he) were.

We ended up having our own break whilst the ILs were away together.

The damage has been done and, whilst I was never the biggest fan of ILs, I’m very cool with them all now.

In your shoes I’d be incredibly hurt and angry. You need DP onside to realise how hurtful this is to you and he should be standing with you. If he doesn’t, then he isn’t a partner, is he?

Could it be your partners siblings behind this? My DP is one of 3 boys and in the early days of dating he had one brother who was horrible and if he didn't have a girlfriend himself always tried to exclude me from family stuff. It all changed though when he did get a girlfriend.

So thats why I'm wondering whether it's one of the siblings?

How long is the holiday for?

How far away is it?

Edited to add that my DP always stuck up for me though.

Can you go and have a fabulous holiday yourself with/without a friend or friends? I'd do that. I'd probably cruise. But I'd not be able to feel the same about any ils.

Wow, that is really really hurtful, ouch.
I'd expect my partner to say his family (you included) all go together or not at all.

Then I think I'd probably not put in much effort with the family much anymore because it seems they don't feel the same.

I'm trying to think about this. I would like the opportunity to see all my kids on their own now and then, just for old times' sake. But in that case it would only be for a short duration, say a meal or a day out, and I wouldn't be asking their kids to come along too.

U OK, hun?

No you aren’t great. This is not normal.

While he is on holiday you need to start collecting bank statements and contacting solicitors.

No decent person would be ok with this, how could you ever forgive it.

Your dp needs to step up and make it clear you are family. You’re the mother of their grandchild ffs. If my dp didn’t either fix this or refuse to go he wouldn’t be my dp anymore.

That's so out of order.

I too can understand that for a short time, it’s almost like trying to recreate ‘the olden days’ when it was just the nuclear family, but you can’t get that back ever - there are now grown children, their own children, those days are gone. So yes, a meal, a few hours I understand.

Your partner is horrible LTB he doesn't like you

Is this holiday that you're excluding from replacing your own family holiday?

This is terrible behaviour from your husband and his family. Do you think it would be any different if you were married? Also curious as to why you're not married. Is your DH trying to protect his assets by keeping you sidelined? Are all unrelated females in his family treated as household accessories and grandchild incubators? Yes, I'm extraopolating massively, but the fact your husband sees no harm in this holiday arrangement indicates that you are not valued.

Well not anymore really. Shit like that is like a hand grenade. The pieces don't fit together the same after

OP, if your DP is not willing to stick up for you on this, I genuinely don't think it bodes well for the long-term future of your relationship. I really would think carefully about maintaining a level of financial independence from your DP as far as possible. In particular, don't let any of your salary go towards the house or mortgage unless the house is in your name or jointly in your and your partner's names.

In the short term, I suggest you tell your DP that if he is not willing to speak to his parents about this, you are going to speak to them directly to ask why they don't see you as family despite you being the mother of one of their grandchildren.

YANBU. My ILs did similar with DH, DH sister, and their eldest grandchildren. ILs were due to be looking after my son and dropped out saying they had another important commitment, apologies, so I had to take a day off work. DH was due to be taking our eldest DC camping. Low and behold they all show up in photos together having not invited me and little DS. So rude. No doubt their excuse would also have been about how they never get time together as a family. I was furious.

YANBU for being hurt at this, not at all.

But YABU for not seeing that your DP is part of the problem here. Your DP is accepting what his brother told him and doesn’t feel comfortable checking it with his father (no mention of checking with his mother!!)? Bullshit.

And your DP is going with your child (and your DSS)? More bullshit.

Your DP thinks you should let this go? Triple bullshit.

If it was me and the above had happened, I’d be questioning whether your BIL is even the one that drew the line you couldn’t come and wondering if your DP didn’t want you to come and was embellishing that.

I’d be insisting on speaking to MIL and FIL about this directly myself, to know exactly where they stand.

And I’d be telling your DP he should go and stay with his family as of now given that you’re not part of it.