Husband blames Mumsnet

[Howtorespond]

if I challenge my husband’s bullying, or disagree, I’m told “here we go, it’s Mumsnet again”, or “f*ing Mumsnet”, or “what does Mumsnet say”. I’m really worn down.

In fairness, sometimes MNers give very strange advice and I often think whether it is genuinely kind or malevolent, dragging down.
In the early 2000s, a friend of mine was cohabiting with a guy from a wealthy family. They had a child, and her friends started on the campaign 'he does not love you if he does not marry you, you are such a catch, remind him you are a catch, he is punching above his weight, etc.etc.' She followed their advice and what was a relaxed and happy arrangement turned into a real nightmare. They broke up, he moved out to his parents then went travelling, quitting his arty job. Not a penny in maintenance. I can't describe the disparity in her 'before' and 'after' in terms of her and their daughter standard of living. Literally from 'Prince to pauper', only less humour. And deep down I agreed with them, that if he loved her, he would have married her, etc. etc. etc. But the outcome for them both was awful. Basically, she followed their advice, and I see similar advice on MN sometimes.

Don't be my friend. Her dreadful husband we all loathed had a stroke a couple of years ago. He's now disabled, pretty much non verbal in company but still manages to belittle everything she does because he can't do it anymore.

She's absolutely trapped I kinda hope he shuffles off.

Please leave this awful waste of space!

Just quietly plan your exit - any time he says something vile just give him the same bland 'yes dear' or 'you're probably right dear' or whatever you feel like but make sure its bland and the same every time.

Follow this up - every time - with leaving the room to do something else. Not a stomp or strop off, just a similarly bland 'going to the loo/fetching something from my room' sort of thing.

If he gets the same response and then you remove yourself EVERY time, a/it will reduce his behaviour and b/it will really piss him off.

Then think about your plan and ideally, exit when he is away by himself, let him come home to a fait accompli. From there on, only communicate with him when absolutely necessary, in writing and ideally via solicitors.

Just say - well, There We Are Then! TWAT

Stolen from a Mumsnet thread.

Look - Mumsnet definitely woke me up. DH and I slugged its out over many things, mainly me pushing back based on ideas from here. Same with my teens.

We are better for it.

He should debate the issue - not the person etc.

However, these women here are not for the faint of heart!

So - is he faint of heart?

I have mentioned it in the past and he says he doesn’t care. Then life has happened and things have ebbed and flowed, but he’s MUCH worse now he’s getting older. We would have to sell and split the proceeds but I’m ok with living anywhere

Ohh yes I get that too- he calls me by my mother’s name if I challenge him

I’m going to try that sort of answer

Then he’s a loser with no respect for you

@Howtorespond

Go back to WA and seek their advice on your next steps.

Go back to your GP and see if your surgery has a Social Prescriber. They can be very good in situations like this.
Go back to your solicitor and find out your rights regarding the assets and how to proceed with a divorce. They aren't your therapist so stick to financial facts.
Go back to your GP and see if they will refer you to counselling.

In the meantime make sure your wages go into your account and not a joint one.
Remove half the savings from any joint accounts.
Find out about any pensions, investments, savings and house equity for him and you.
Get the house valued when you know he will be out.
Get decluttering and doing odd jobs, under the pretext of spring/autumn cleaning.
Do NOT tell him what you are doing.
Learn the art of grey rocking.
Your children will not desert you.

A year of turmoil and upset is nothing compared to the pain of staying for the next thirty years. I managed to pull up my big girl pants after years of emotional abuse (same as you, many professionals told me to get out) and if I can then you can too

I’m sorry you’ve been through similar, your post has inspired me. I just have this fear of the kids abandoning me which is nuts, I expect xx

What would you tell a colleague who disclosed to you that her marriage is as you have described on here, so bad that her GP referred her to WA?

If you have post-grad qualifications, you are obviously an intelligent woman who holds down a responsible job but whose husband has done his best to destroy her self-esteem outside of work.
Please don't let this situation to go on any longer. Get those ducks lined up unassailably and I bet your DC will cheer you on.

👍

Tell him to give his head a wobble 🤜

They say that disdain/ contempt/ derision is the earliest predictor of divorce. Why does he look down on you? It can come from feeling hurt. If he won’t talk about it, your marriage will become more painful for you or end in divorce. I would try talking then plan for separation if he insists on not engaging like an adult. Good luck.

Sorry- to add- I meant to write this morning but then didn’t catch up with all comments. It’s become much clearer that you are being abused. I’m sorry and hope you can find the power to leave soon. That’ll teach me to be careless!

I think your kids will absolutely respect you for leaving. I felt bitterly disappointed in my mum for putting up with my dad’s shit for so long.

You say when he is not there life is peaceful. Your life going forward could be like this everyday with no one shouting at you or putting you down. Just reach out and take that peaceful life. Your sister sounds like she will help you.

You deserve to be happy. Everyone does. You know that your marriage is not making you happy. Divorce can only be better. Speaking to your DC might surprise you, it's very unlikely they are unaware of your husband's bullying behaviour.

So how old are you OP?

No loving H would say ‘you sounded retarded etc’. He’s really horrible. You have every right to leave him and be happy, and do so before you potentially end-up having to wipe his arse for him in old age.

It is nuts, if you've raised them right and they're sensible adults then the most likely outcome is 'thank fk for that Mother why on EARTH didn't you do it sooner!'

If on the other hand your children are arseholes who think the sun shines out of their fathers abusive backside, well.. better off without 'em (I feel this is unlikely though).

@Howtorespond

but he’s MUCH worse now he’s getting older.

Google 'grey divorce'. You are not alone. There are many older couples separating or divorcing. AI said the 60% were initiated by the woman, but I have a sneaky suspicion that the actual number might be higher. Plus I think it more likely that an older woman might just leave but not divorce (I have a legal separation for financial reasons). Older men have usually divorced due to finding a younger or just a different woman, that number probably hasn't changed much, but I bet there is a HUGE increase in the number of women who have just said "Oh HELL, no! I'm not putting up with his shit anymore".

I know a couple where she put up with him being 'the Great I Am' and everything having to revolve around him and what he wanted was the way it would be. She was able to do this because he worked long hours and was pretty much home just on the weekends and then he went fishing most of those. But when he announced to her that he was retiring in 3 months, she realized that him being home 24/7 would be the death of her. About 2 weeks after he submitted his formal retirement papers he came home after a day's fishing to find her gone along with half the money in joint accounts, and a letter waiting for him. She's happy as a clam and he still can't figure out why she left, taking half of 'his' money. She was a housewife, he the breadwinner so naturally all the money was 'his'.

Google AI for 'grey divorce UK':
The Over-65 Surge: ONS trends show divorce rates for people aged 65 and over have climbed steeply, even as general divorce numbers fell.
Ages 60–69: Divorce rates for couples in their 60s in England and Wales have more than doubled compared to figures from the 1990s.
Who Initiates: Women over 55 drive roughly 60% of later-life divorces in this cohort.
Proportions: Over 20% of all UK divorces now involve individuals aged 55 and older

I’m telling you! “There We Are Then”! You’ll know what it means and I don’t believe the penny will ever drop with him! ❤️

He will be snooping and trying to find threads or even access or account. If not already hence all his refs to you being influenced by mumsnet

Sorry if missed but any children?

Tell him to listen to Womans Hour on radio 4. Its for far more intelligent people!!