Husband blames Mumsnet

[Howtorespond]

if I challenge my husband’s bullying, or disagree, I’m told “here we go, it’s Mumsnet again”, or “f*ing Mumsnet”, or “what does Mumsnet say”. I’m really worn down.

Yes, it was a juvenile way to describe it x

Abusive men hate mumsnet because it's full of women who don't stand for their crap.

You've been told that you need to leave him OP. If you choose to stay that's on you.

And as everyone knows, a woman is worth nothing unless she's "with" someone, even if he's a cunt.

If he's actively bullying you and he doesn't want to be called out on it, he should simply not bully you.

He's not awful because a bunch of women on the internet say he's awful.

He's awful whether or not we tell you that he's awful.

I just hope that having some support and advice from other people helps you to recognise when his attitudes and actions are awful and unacceptable.

Your further posts on this thread just make me so sad that you're living in that environment and I'm glad that you've come to recognise his behaviour for what it is.

He'll make us out to be men-hating witches but I'm in a 16 year marriage with a man I still love, who is an active and supportive father to 3 teenagers, who respects my opinions, intellect, career and has never tried to control me. We both have lots of friends and a good life. My husband's not some weak pushover because of this, we're partners, we're a team, he's a big tough sporty funny guy who fits right in with lads lads lads and works a stereotypically "manly" job. It's not a binary of one way to be a man. He can be Mr Macho AND respect women AND never bully me because we're equals in our relationship. Your husband's expectation of his norm and his belittling of you are not acceptable in this day and age. Bin him off. This is the kind of man who deserves to be lonely. Get free of him. Reclaim your peace and joy. There are lovely men out there or you can be much happier than you are now without your loser husband in your personal space all the fucking time.

Difficult, could be spiteful verbally, quick to temper. I always defended them but I know staying was not the right thing for them. Almost feels selfish to go now, now they’re adult. If that makes sense. He has improved with them hugely as adults. I think they would say they love him but aren’t very close to him. They see and acknowledge his behaviours to me, although an awful lot goes on behind closed doors they don’t see. I have post grad qualifications and have had really tough jobs, all of which he’s sought to make impossible for me to do. And if im
working hugely long hours he complains but if i reduce things he says I don’t work ‘we can’t all sit around all
day’ is a favourite. He doesn’t like me. Been tog since 18. He never says he loves the kids or me. He’s very practical and I totally get that some people aren’t wired for loads of emotion. But this is extreme

Mumsnet understands how women are isolated and confused in abusive relationships.
Mumsnet offers a window to a different viewpoint - so women in abusive relationships can see their predicament more clearly or even for the first time.
Mumsnet offers support and knowledge to women.

Mumsnet says LTB

Yes, thank you that’s very true. He hates women- in fact when my sister (and I) stood up to him when he was being horrible to our daughter, he said to me afterwards that he wasn’t going to listen to something a woman told him. He’s a misogynist.

I am married 30 years to someone similar - If I’m honest I don’t feel the same as I once did, but that’s because he’s a different person -the kind bohemian no materialistic 30 years him has turned into a nothing but 5* all the way is good enough , but without that level of wonga and with a very short temper . Like you say sunk fallacies come into it, in my case working together and not owning a home ( due to only being prepared to live in the very nice areas) has meant my options are crap and I’m not prepared in all honesty to be in poverty . Even at state pension age (3years) my options would improve. I do care, I just don’t like living with him much.

I suppose I’m falling for the sunk costs fallacy,
Just what I was going to say. Don't count the years past: count the future years. How many years until you retire? How many years will your retirement last ?(estimate based on how long women in your family live).
Do you want to spend those future years the way you are living now?

and a probably imagined end to our family life
The family life you had is already ended - the DC are grown and gone into their own adult lives.
The only residue of "family life" that you have to spend with him being around is things like weddings and funerals. The rest you can spend with your adult offspring and grandchildren without having to put up with an abuser.
Imagine future holidays and days out with your family, just you and them, and how lovely it will be not to have him around spoiling it.

You should leave him, you really should. I think you know that you should leave him.

I wish you would

Does he? Has mumsnet made him bully and abuse his wife?
There are some really strange people on here.

Almost feels selfish to go now, now they’re adult. If that makes sense.

No it doesn't make sense.
And what makes you think you have no right to be selfish?
There are worse things than being selfish - which is just self-preservation and looking after yourself, nothing wrong with that, in fact it is a healthy response.

I was frightened of leaving my ex for many years. When I did it was blissful. He wasn't violent but he was and still is a bully. Total knob. Just leave him OP. You will find joy.

Well I am single but I'm single because I had the sense to end a terrible relationship and I can see similar behaviours in other posters husbands.

If the fact I haven't wanted to get into another relationship means I should be ignored then so be it.

I personally didn't think women were only relevant if they were married but it seems you disagree so oh well.

Imagine your life without him. Imagine the peace being permanent. If you got together young, you still have so many happy years of peace ahead if you get rid. Just do it.

What a horrible man.

I think you are right, I’m so ridiculously nostalgic but I know it’s not for anything we had together- it’s for something I wish had been. Sounds nonsensical I know. I’m worried he will turn the (adult) kids against me somehow as he lies about things I’ve said and done.

Most likely they’re single because they’ve rid themselves of useless bastard partners who bullied them, AKA lived experience.

Yes, and I do see that. I seem to have some cognitive dissonance if that’s what it is. I can see the truth and logic but something stops me. A fear of starting a train that may end in a crash

My ex used to do this. I did not know that it was coercive control until very recently, after my second DH died and I think the shock (he died very suddenly) opened my eyes to why I had always found it difficult to shake off my anger at my ex - which late DH always said I should do and tried to help me and it took over a decade to do.

Lots lost although I left because I left my DC with ex and whatever he told them about me stuck. They go on holiday with ex but only ever visit me and my DD has no pictures of me in her house. I am afraid to mention this because I fear they will withdraw from me even now if I suggest their DF was not the person they think he is (even though they know he is 'difficult').
Do leave this relationship, OP. You will be much happier (I was, even though my ex cast a long shadow).

If it helps start planning.
You don't have to leave immediately but you can begin to explore what your options are.

My dh is not a bully but he has an opinion on everything and now we're retired anything I go to do he's there mansplaining. However, when I was very ill he was amazing and looked after me to the point he cancelled his own gp appointment as he would have been late visiting me in hospital.

Think seriously about retirement with a bully like your dh, it will make your life unbearable.

Similar situation here - seemed the right thing to do at the time but at 64 I regret it now.

They know the truth. They will see right through his lies.

You will not lose your children. Quite the opposite, you will likely gain more quality time with them if abusive DH is not around.

If my partner pisses me off I tell him I’m going to start a thread on Mumsnet and they’ll tell me to leave him 🤣

I get that you are distressed and probably still hope to magically turn him into a decent human being, but at this point, you shouldn't bring Mumsnet up with him. He's obviously not going to take it seriously and will only use it to further convince you that you're the problem. Avoid arguing with him if you can put your energy into thinking of ways of leaving.