Husband blames Mumsnet

[Howtorespond]

if I challenge my husband’s bullying, or disagree, I’m told “here we go, it’s Mumsnet again”, or “f*ing Mumsnet”, or “what does Mumsnet say”. I’m really worn down.

@Howtorespond

They see and acknowledge his behaviours to me, although an awful lot goes on behind closed doors they don’t see.

I have a feeling (born of experience) that your DC are hoping and praying that you leave him. They just don't want to say anything because they don't realize that you are ready, you're just afraid. You know your children best, you'll know when the right time is to tell them you want to leave. Just don't be afraid to enlist their support if you know they'll support you.

I left a 38 year marriage a year ago when my esDH's drinking spun out of control. When I called my DS1 to say I'd been escorted out by the cops and could I stay with him the first words out of his mouth were "It's about time!". DS2 had the same reaction. And they both said "If you go back, we'll never speak to you again" (not truly seriously). TBH since I left I'm seeing things that were 'normal' in my marriage that I hadn't seen clearly before were truly 'abnormal'.

As a PP above said, life is different, but I am truly happy! I am lucky in that my living standard hasn't really changed other than that I will never own a home again. The prices are too ridiculous where I live and half of the profit when our house is sold will not be enough to reduce a mortgage to something I can afford. But I love my little flat. When something goes wrong I pick up the phone and maintenance is dispatched, rather than having to argue with esDH about either fixing something himself or calling a repairman. My little flat is peaceful and calm. Everything is neat and tidy. And most importantly, it is 'my castle, my rules'.

I suggest you quietly see a solicitor. Give them a 'snapshot' of all finances (yours, his, and ours) and details regarding your home mortgage. They can give you an idea of what you may be able to expect financially. Once you have that information, make the decision that is right for you. Better to eat beans in a bedsit on your own than dine on filet mignon in a mansion with a man like that.

LTB.

LTB. Please.

Thank you x

Not to show off but to give you a perspective on what good men do.

My DH has two opinions about MN.

First, if there is a breaking, complex news story, he will often ask, "what's MN saying? because he knows there will be a great mix of considered opinions.

Second, sometimes I wander over and give him a kiss and hug out of nowhere and he will say, "some bloke being an arsehole to his wife on MN?" and yes, they are, and I feel very grateful.

A different life is out there.

Oh no, I’m so sorry xx

This might be a controversial take but can I ask why did he say that? Do you often post personal issues on MN and then come back at him with the responses? Because I can understand how it might be frustrating if you go on MN every time there’s a disagreement and then come back to him saying ‘well, look I’m right because this is what MN says!’ (not saying you do that, but that might warrant a defensive reaction). MN can be useful but it’s not professional advice. MN users make an opinion based on very little information and Threads are biased because they are wrote from the perspective of one person in the relationship (which then biases the responses in the author’s favour, typically). So by all means use MN as a tool but don’t take the advice as gospel (ironic, I know).

Yes, I think I am. Thank you x

That’s absolutely it- trusting my own judgement is the issue x

Thank you xx

Thank you so much xx

I work and have friends and interests x

This.

Thank you so much xx

Ah no we have been married 30 years, together 36 x

I do agree- and he says he doesn’t care what anyone thinks of him. So there’s no ‘shame’ for him if people pull him up on it

He has seen over my shoulder and asked what it is. He doesn’t know I’ve an account on it just that I read it. I often just tell him funny things I’ve read. But whenever I challenge him it’s ’oh here we go, fucking Mumsnet again’

‘Stop trying to avoid or evade the topic at hand’

He doesn’t care what his wife thinks of him?

So you're 54ish. You could have so many wonderful years of freedom. My marriage ended when I was just shy of 50. I have been happily single for 8 years now. Just do it.

Thank you xx

That word coming back in ‘vogue’ is awful. Like you I find it abhorrent. Deffo enough to LTB

It’s not easy to leave esp after such a long time. In fact it’s probably the hardest thing you will do but it will be worthwhile.

how do you see your life without him?