Husband blames Mumsnet

[Howtorespond]

if I challenge my husband’s bullying, or disagree, I’m told “here we go, it’s Mumsnet again”, or “f*ing Mumsnet”, or “what does Mumsnet say”. I’m really worn down.

Yes! Thats it. Exactly. Anything or anyone who stands up for me becomes an issue for him. Some of my friends don’t like the way he is with me, they’ve witnessed it- he says terrible things about them to me. Yet to their faces is lovely. My sister has stood up to him and he now loathes her.

Oh OP it sounds horrible. I hope you find a way out
:(

Not as serious in my case but everytime we have a difference of opinion he will say why don’t you ask Mumsnet I’m sure they’ll all take your side 😂

What started as quite as a slightly humerous thread has progressed to no so much as you update.
Time to do what you have to do to leave.
Sounds like friends and your sister will support you with the practicalities.
Good luck

I think it is. I’ve always stayed worrying about the kids, who are now adults. So I know that’s an excuse but I’ve just always been so scared to end it. Thank you x

Op is he sometimes nice to you ? Especially if he gets a whiff you might leave?

That's because he's a misogynist who fears that the collective voices of women are a threat to men. He also disrespects you, as he believes you lack the intelligence to think for yourself and are suggestible.

GP says leave.
WA (been referred so assumed you spoke with them), would say leave.
Solicitor says leave.
Sister says leave.
Friends say leave.
MN says leave.
You've done the Freedom Programme.

Why are you still there? I left a 42yr marriage last year because I couldn't face another 20 years of him, especially full time once he retired and it's been absolute bliss. Material things are not worth staying for, my food content is more Aldi than Sainsbury’s, I use blankets instead of heating, I have cooler, shorter showers, i haven't had a haircut in over a year, I use an airfryer instead of an oven while he has holidays and upgraded his car and has takeouts but my life is far, far richer as I finally have a life.

Look at your finances, house equity, savings, pensions and see what you can afford. What exactly are you afraid of?

Yes, sometimes. Especially if we are about to go away and he thinks he might get some ‘holiday fun’. I’ve fallen for that several times as it’s nice when he’s nice. But he can’t keep it up (the niceness!)

By holiday fun do you mean sex?

It sounds as if you’d have plenty of rl support from friends and your sister and your children are adults now. Go and be free and happy!

Yes, my rational brain sees all that xx but my hopeful brain finds the little bits of niceness and over-amplifies them. But it never lasts. He won’t discuss any issues.

what sort of dad was he growing up? Has he a quick temper? Did he ruin days out? What do the kids think of him?

Glad I rtft- I thought this was a jokey thing like I do with dh ‘actually on mn they say’. Sorry that things are this bad between ye

I think what @WinterBlues26 has said makes a lot of sense. Imagine him at 75 years old. When we agree to “in sickness and in health” one assumes that the partner is going to be agreeable and kind most of the time.

What did your solicitor say? Have you got an idea of finances? - think of where you can stay temporarily because it sounds as if you do have allies. Then be brave. It can only get better.

What is the worst that could happen if you packed a bag and went to stay with your sister for a ‘visit’ , then extended it while you sorted yourself out?
What are you most afraid of about being single in your own peaceful home?

Thank you, that’s really helpful. I’m glad things are better for you. I suppose I’m falling for the sunk costs fallacy, and a probably imagined end to our family life. But to be honest, he makes every occasion tense, for me at least. When he’s away life is incredibly peaceful. He would do anything for his mother, who dotes on him. I’ve been confused before as people see the best side of him so I have always worried I’m exaggerating it. I can’t really put too much here, but some of the things over the years have been shocking. He’s abusive, really. He sends abusive messages to politicians he disagrees with, things like that, he’s just very hard work.

I’m terrified about if he ever needed to care for me in the future. I had a serious illness a few years ago and yep, it wasn’t good

Good grief - this is not good for you at all. Are your finances complex?

The over amplification of the nice bits is completely normal.
When you are often treated badly, you operate in a state of low level anxiety and misery. When the person decides to be even normally nice to you, you are so relieved and delighted by it, it feels way better than it should.
This is how abusers keep you hooked. You're constantly chasing the comfort, relief and high of the nice parts.
What you need to remember is that being nice to a partner is an absolute basic for a relationship. You don't have to pay for that by putting up with abuse.

i think we underestimate how much damage living in a tense atmosphere actually can do to ourselves. We learn to adapt to some degree but it comes at a cost.
it’s so hard to leave when you’re frightened of all the sh* that will unleash in every area of your life. You have to be ready for that.

Well put

You don't need his agreement or his approval to leave him. It's best if you tell him nothing while you are looking into your first steps to get away. Don't tell him you want to leave him, you don't want to get into a discussion where he has the chance to tell you, No you're not. Because you are not strong enough enough yet to contradict him. But you CAN be, OP. It's not too late. Reach out for the help that's waiting for you.

My dh used to try this shit. Don’t put up with it. Stop telling him stuff. What a prick

Oh, they do, do they?
And now that you've read more of OP's posts?
"They" are doing a cracking job of supporting a vulnerable woman.
Go Them!