AIBU to feel uncomfortable if my child invites their father's mistress?

[Zoobaloo]

Looking for perspectives on the following:

Would you attend your adult DC’s wedding if they had invited their father’s mistress? Would it change if the affair was years ago? Would you feel disrespected?

So are you still married? Why would they invite her?

It depends on the circumstances.

Why is she invited ? Is the woman still in a relationship with DC's father? Or is your DC doing this as weird way to get at you? Or is the OW someone who is connected to your DC in another way (friend, colleague etc)

I think I wouldn't make someone else's wedding about myself.

Yes, I'd attend, because the wedding is about the adult DC, not the parents. I've been matron of honour at a friend's wedding where the bride was a bundle of nerves about whether her mother would kick off because of this sort of thing. I have been bridesmaid at another wedding where, again, bride's day was overshadowed by worries about who might sulk or make a scene. I would never do that to my children.
This is a day to be dignified and to show your DC that you can be trusted and relied upon to behave well. It's not a day to make them choose or place parental relationships in a hierarchy.

I would not let my ex tarnish such a special day by worrying about his date. The day is too important for me and my adult dc.

I can’t think of anything that would keep me from my child’s wedding.

1. The title is AI generated through Mumsnet and I forgot to change it. This is about my mum and dad. Sorry for the confusion!
2. Dad had an affair multiple times with the same woman and is now married to her. It caused an ugly divorce and lots of heartache for my mum.
3. Dad wants his new wife at my wedding. I don’t agree but he won’t come without her. I don’t think it’s fair to mum.

I wanted some opinions to decide how to navigate this going forwards

I'd attend my child's special occasion if they invited the devil himself. Nothing more to say about it.

You need to give more context here.

But I’d assume, since you have chosen to only refer to her as a mistress, that you’re either still married, or you’re long since divorced but extremely bitter about it.

Either way, your adult son/daughter is entitled to invite whoever they’d like to be there and it’s not about you.

irrelevant reply given @Zoobaloo's update

Not sure if you’re still married or not… but the answer is the same, yes I’d still attend and I’d say nothing to DC about it, and I’d be impeccably behaved

Oh if it's your wedding and you don't want her there don't invite her and he can do as he pleases.

Do not put this on your DC. I appreciate there's likely deep hurt from everything that happened but do not make your DC wedding about you or force them to choose between you and their father attending. It's incredibly selfish to put your DC in that sort or position

It sounds like you will have to choose between your Mum and your Dad.

1. The title is AI generated through Mumsnet and I forgot to change it. This is about my mum and dad. Sorry for the confusion!
2. Dad had an affair multiple times with the same woman and is now married to her. It caused an ugly divorce and lots of heartache for my mum.
3. Dad wants his new wife at my wedding. I don’t agree but he won’t come without her. I don’t think it’s fair to mum.

I wanted some opinions to decide how to navigate this going forwards

1. The title is AI generated through Mumsnet and I forgot to change it. This is about my mum and dad. Sorry for the confusion!
2. Dad had an affair multiple times with the same woman and is now married to her. It caused an ugly divorce and lots of heartache for my mum.
3. Dad wants his new wife at my wedding. I don’t agree but he won’t come without her. I don’t think it’s fair to mum.

I wanted some opinions to decide how to navigate this going forwards

1. The title is AI generated through Mumsnet and I forgot to change it. This is about my mum and dad. Sorry for the confusion!
2. Dad had an affair multiple times with the same woman and is now married to her. It caused an ugly divorce and lots of heartache for my mum.
3. Dad wants his new wife at my wedding. I don’t agree but he won’t come without her. I don’t think it’s fair to mum.

I wanted some opinions to decide how to navigate this going forwards

Do you want your dad to attend? What does your mum want?

Your mum will just want you to enjoy your day. Speak to your mum about your concerns.

I put YABU thinking you were the ex wife and that if their DC wanted to invite the mistress (perhaps because they had formed a civil relationship etc) then you would just have to suck it up.

however having read your second post I can see it is your dad putting pressure on for her to be invited and so this different. What you haven’t said is what your relationship with them is like now. If your mum wasn’t a factor - would you have invited her? If you are only not inviting her for your mum I would say that’s wrong. But if you wouldn’t have invited her anyway then stick with that.

I don't think his wife/mistress should be invited. Your Dad's choice if he comes without her.

It might be painful for you but it’s your DCs wedding. Presumably your adult DC would be very hurt if you didn’t attend their wedding. Aside from this (which is the most important thing) I know it’s not a game but when my ex had an affair, I came on here for advice the whole time and someone posted ‘the best revenge is a life well lived’. And whilst revenge is probably not the best term here, the sentiment is correct. Go (if you feel able to), be there for your Son/ daughter, look fabulous and happy (even if you don’t feel like it) and hold your head up high. Absolutely do not miss the wedding. Smile and be nonchalant to them if your paths cross. Don’t hide away.

I want both to attend, but DD won’t attend without his wife. DM is still hurt and has said she’d feel disrespected if she were there

Given your update, I would tell me dad that if he won’t come without his new wife, he can’t come at all. Your mum has suffered enough at his hands, he doesn’t get to take your wedding away from her too. Sorry you’ve got him as your dad.

I wouldn’t want her there. It’s your wedding, tell him she’s not invited.