AIBU to feel uncomfortable if my child invites their father's mistress?

[Zoobaloo]

Looking for perspectives on the following:

Would you attend your adult DC’s wedding if they had invited their father’s mistress? Would it change if the affair was years ago? Would you feel disrespected?

Prioritise your mum.

Your dad has a choice over who he prioritises - you or the ex-mistress.

@Zoobaloo whilst the situation was very hurtful for your mum, your dad has chosen to have his life spent with this other women rather than your mum. The upset has ruined enough, and your mum needs to accept the situation so that it doesn’t ruin anymore. You should have your dad there with his wife if you want your dad at your wedding.

This set-up should start now as they’ll be plenty more events where all 3 need to attend should you go on to have kids.

Your mum needs to be the bigger person here, and you need to help her do that by not putting her feelings before your own.

*missed off quote, but this is in response to OW name calling.

Ah wait…changed my mind. That bitch can whistle, your dad too for allowing her to name call the mother of his childen

Invite your mum and dad but not the be wife.
Then it's his choice not to come and your mum will have a nice time at your wedding

it's still normal not to make everything about yourself

I don't think the victim should bear the burden of suffering in order to keep the man who treated her badly happy. That's just letting him get away with being a prick, and punishing her for his cruel behaviour.

Perhaps instead of that, the father should try being a decent person for once and recognise that he did a horrible thing, and because of the choices he made his new wife is reasonably not welcome at family events, so he'll have to attend alone.

You don’t like her so don’t invite her
Up to your Dad what he does but of course he will choose her.

'very nasty towards my mum, calling her names like a teenager in high school'

How do you know this? Has she done this in front of you?

Regardless. I would definitely not be inviting her. And if your Dad chooses her 'hurt feelings' 🙄 over seeing his daughter get married then that's his loss. And you'll know exactly where you stand with him.

Tbqh, he sounds awful. Only a completely heartless bastard would put your mother in this position on her daughter's wedding day.

Saying that, I hope you manage to sort all this out and have a wonderful day. 💐

Did you read the bit where the op said she is nasty to her mum and calls her names like a teenage bully in school?

What he did to OPs mother is separate to the relationship he has with his daughter. It always will be. OP needs to move forward and not have to carry the burden of this.

Sorry to say it, but your Dad is a piece of shit.

He prioritised this woman over your Mum, humiliating both (you mentioned “several affairs”).

Now he’s prioritising the woman (who also sounds like trash TBF, if she’s name calling your mother) over you.

Tell both to get to fuck and invite neither. Your father has already shown you who he prefers once, don’t give him a chance to disregard and disrespect you and your mother a second time.

If I was the wife, I would want to know that others will feel uncomfortable about my attendance and I would decline but encourage my Hubby to attend for his Daughter's sake.

I don't know how you can broach that with her though.

Next up will be the tough discussion on seating plan... I wouldn't want my Mum to be hurt having to share the family table with her.

It seems very easy. Dad is invited if he comes alone. End of. Mum is invited.

She is not a “stepmother”. The OP does not refer to her as “stepmother”. She doesn’t want her at her wedding.

Oh I think it would be awful to invite her. I’m so sorry because that doesn’t help you at all but your Mum gave birth to you. Assuming she’s been a good Mum then she may have dreamed of this day for decades. He hurt her, they hurt her and broke what she thought was her life. How awful for you and your Mum. Your Dad should understand why this is a hard no IMO. I would rather have my Mum happy with my Dad absent but only you can decide really.

Depends how long your dad has been married to his wife. If they’ve been married a long time, then I can see why your dad would want his wife there, as as a guest, rather than main wedding party.

It is highly irregular, and very pointed to invite someone, let alone someone close, to a wedding without their spouse. I think your mum needs to suck it up for one day.

So why is your belief that OP's mum has to suck it up and suffer, instead of her father? Surely an appropriate compromise would be that her father doesn't expect his affair partner to attend family events, and in return, her mother is civil and polite to her father and doesn't cause a fuss.

Anyway, it's only separate if OP feels it's separate – her father's hurtful, unethical behaviour also impacted on her and the structure of her family, and however she feels about that is valid. So if she feels that her father's behaviour has diminished him in her eyes, that's entirely valid, as is wanting to prioritise her mother's happiness over her father's happiness.

She doesn't 'need' to move forward from a dislike of her father's behaviour, or his new wife – her father needs to prioritise his daughter over his dick, and accept that he's being unreasonable to expect his children to accept his affair partner. Simple.

It sounds clear cut. Your mum should be the absolute guest of honour. She should not have to endure the presence of the OW.

I think you should just invite your dad. If he doesn’t want it come without his fellow homewrecker, then it’s fine for him not to come.

My dad and his mistress are married now. Even though my mum is now dead, I am NC with them. They are a horrible pair of narcs. It’s been nearly a decade of NC and I have zero regrets.

No way would I invite her then.

Your dad said he won't come if he can't bring his nasty wife
It sounds manipulative
You should tell him he can't come if he brings her.
He's putting her first again by giving you this dilemma.
Give the dilemma to him by sticking to your guns. He can ponder over it, not you

In the mother's place, I would suck it up and deal with it for the sake of my child. I do think being sat in a different place in the reception is a reasonable ask though.

It's really up to you to decide what you are comfortable with. You have every right to invite your father but not his wife. Of course, he may then decide not to come, which you'd have to accept.

I don't think there is a right or wrong and I'm not sure you can avoid upsetting someone. Decide what you think is right and then let everyone else decide how they want to handle it.

I think if your father would be wrong not to attend if invited without his wife, but that's up to him.

Well, if she behaves like this towards your mother, I think it would be easy for me. I wouldn't invite her and would accept it if my father then decided not to come.

Absolute tosh!

I am in the same position as you. There's a lot of years until this scenario would play out for me. But if my child wanted her there I would accept that for their sake.

But in the OPs case she doesn't want the new woman there so shouldn't invite. I imagine her dad will end up going even if she's not invited. But if he doesn't that's on him.