AIBU to feel uncomfortable if my child invites their father's mistress?

[Zoobaloo]

Looking for perspectives on the following:

Would you attend your adult DC’s wedding if they had invited their father’s mistress? Would it change if the affair was years ago? Would you feel disrespected?

Say to your dad look, the most important people to me to have there are you and mum. But you know it would be incredibly difficult for mum if Sally is there, so you are asking me to choose Sally over my own mum. It's just not fair. I love you, I really really want you there to give me away (or whatever), but I cannot choose Sally over Mum so I am asking you to please come without her.

It is a tricky one, it's arguably a bit paternalistic (maternalistic?) to decide over your mum's head that she should not have to deal with it. Maybe having this women there would not actually ruin the day for her because there is so much joy to be had from being at her daughter's wedding. Maybe she can handle it and doesn't need you to "fix" if for her and risk falling out with your dad. But it is really hard to judge and I feel for you having to navigate through all the hurt and manipulation.

He has a point!

how long ago did all this happen?

unless it was in the last year or two & so still freSh then I think its time to draw a line and move on from things.

Yes, your dad’s behaviour was shitty & he hurt your mum but holding onto that forever and having all this angst/drama/hurt is so silly.

life is really short, I’m sorry but I would invite her same as I would invite your mums partner/husband & I would expect them to behave themselves on my special day.

I ewouldn't want this woman at my wedding @Zoobaloo And if my father refused to attend my wedding, I'd feed that back to him - that he is valuing a woman who made my childhood & family life ery difficult over his own daughter.

Perhaps if you say that calmly and unemotionally to him - (use AI!!!! ) he might see sense.

But they both sound horrible.

She is a stepmother, whether OP chooses to recognize it or not. Even so, I think the father is unreasonable in expecting everyone to gloss over the damage he did to his family. OP might present something like this to persuade her DF to leave wifey at home. “I know you want her to come, Dad, and I understand why. But it will inevitably be awkward. You understand. Do you
really want Becky to be uncomfortable? Some people at the wedding will snub her. Others could say nasty things. If you really love her, you wouldn’t subject her to that.”

I would explain to your father why youdont want her there. You need to be honest about your dislike for her

then he has a choice, attend without her or don’t attend

Only by dictionary definition and many don't go by that.

Then you stick to your guns - father’s second wife is not invited. She mada a travesty of your mother’s marriage and you won’t allow her to do the same to your wedding by being present. He comes alone or not at all.

If your father doesn’t respect your wishes, then he is being true to form, isn’t he? And your day would be all the better for his absence. He’s lucky to be invited at all. Many in your shoes would have stopped contact after the divorce. I know I would have.

I was just being pedantic.

Perfectly acceptable to refuse to have a relationship with DF's mistress/new wife and not invite her to your wedding. She's unpleasant to your mother who has every right to be deeply hurt by what happened, so therefore you have to pick sides, and I would pick DM too. DF has made his bed OP. He can come to the wedding alone or not at all. Hopefully he will start considering if he wants to meet future grandchildren etc....

She isn’t.

She is her father’s wife.

It does not make her a stepmother.

Technically, it does. And as I said to another poster, I was just being pedantic.

If it were "just" that he had an affair with her and they are now married, I would be inclined to invite them both. We are all human and relationships can be messy, but ultimately she is his wife now.

However, I can't really see how you can invite a woman that bitches about your Mother and insults her. If nothing else, you're going to spend the whole wedding worried it will all kick off.

@Zoobaloo

Although I appreciate your concern for your mum and you are right to consider her feelings, for a moment just think about yourself. You don't like the mistress. You don't want to have a relationship with her. You don't want her at your wedding, and in future you don't want her around your future children. So, don't have her at your wedding. Begin as you mean to go on.

Your dad disrespected your mother by cheating on her multiple times with this woman so my mind he also disrespected you and any other children he has because he showed that his dick meant more to him than his family. He's continuing that disrespect for you by insisting you accept as family his 'co-conspirator' in breaking up your family. In my book, he doesn't deserve to see you on what will be one of the happiest days of your life, either. So if he decides that if the mistress isn't invited he isn't coming, as far as I'm concerned that's a win/win for you. Surround yourself with people you love and who love you. And who don't cause you pain.

You owe your dad nothing, you owe the mistress even less.

Then she doesn’t come. It’s your wedding day and you don’t like her, your partner probably doesn’t either if you don’t.
I walked myself down the aisle at my wedding and am so glad I did! It felt like I was meeting my partner just the 2 of us. Put yourself first OP! And I do understand why your mum would find this awful.

I’d say just don’t invite your dad. It’s the morally correct thing to do. He doesn’t have to decide to come without the mistress; your mum is protected; the bitchy mistress gets no say.

You dont like her and you care that it would upset your DM. It would be a hard no from me.

It's up to your DF to come alone or not at all. If he picked not at all, I'd be going very low contact with him.

Your Father is a selfish piece of shit. If he’s been cruel enough to his own daughter to say that he won’t attend her wedding unless she actively makes the day upsetting for her own mother, then he doesn’t deserve to be there.

Assuming your mum has been a good mum to you, there’s no way I’d do this to her. Don’t underestimate how important children’s weddings are to most parents. If your father would put his wife’s feelings above his daughter’s and emotionally blackmail her on her wedding day, he doesn’t deserve to be there.

I wouldn’t invite her given these circumstances. Your wedding isn’t about her, or your Dad, or what either of them want. Awful of them to try and insist.

But what have you told her regarding why you split up when she was a baby? If it was along the lines of you fell out of love etc, not only is that letting him off the hook, it’s lying to her. You split bc he was shagging another woman while you were carrying her and she was a small baby. It was with someone you knew which makes it even worse.

I can understand you wanting to protect her and to allow her to form a relationship with her dad but you are lying to her or lying by omission at the very least. What do you think is going to happen when she finds out, and she will find out. Don’t you worry her trust in you will be affected in the future? Or that she will be massively affected when she finds out the nature of her dad’s relationship with this woman and their moral characters? It will change the way she sees them and rock all her preconceived assumptions about things.

If she still has a good relationship with his family members won’t she begin to ask questions as to why they refuse to see her dad when she thinks they’re all good people?

I think you may be putting off the inevitable and storing up potential trouble by protecting her from the truth. Do you intend to ever tell her?

Don’t invite her. It’s up to your dad if he wants to come or not. You are still allowed to not like her and decide whether you consider her part of your family even if she is part of his family.

Essentially you’ve got two competing interests to choose between:

1. your mum’s wish to want to celebrate her daughters wedding without being disrespected
2. your dad’s wish to bring the awful woman who, together with him, profoundly hurt your mum (and I’m assuming also massively had a negative effect on you too)

I’d feel shit choosing your dad over your mum in this scenario. Sorry OP but he sounds like a bit of a pig. And if he chooses not to come he’s confirming that.

Also even if your mum does her best to put on a brave face, won’t it be awkward vibes for everyone if the mistress comes?

It’s a really shit position OP and it’s shit that stuff like this falls on the children to navigate.

You don’t like her, it will make your mum very uncomfortable, why would you entertain inviting her? I’d let my dad know how disappointed I was in him that he is going to refuse to attend your wedding, minimise contact with him and just enjoy your wedding. Unbelievable behaviour from him. I’d be taking a big step back from relationship with him.

@Zoobaloo surely this is up to your DD if shes the one getting married? She needs to chose who to invite.

Has your mum not moved on? How long ago was this?

That's a hard situation, OP. I would find the emotional blackmail, from both of your parents, really disrespectful in your shoes.

I think you have a right to expect both parents to put their personal upset to one side for your wedding day but it doesn't sound like either of them will. So, I would either choose between, as they are asking you to, or not invite either of them.

(I would have asked my mum, as she was the one who stuck by me when my DF left her for another woman when I was a child, but she wouldn't have tried to blackmail me like that).

I would tell your dad straight. She may now be his family, but she most definitely is not yours. She is simply a woman who your father is married to.

Tell him you would like him at your wedding. If he chooses to put his wife over his daughter, then that’s it for the relationship.

If he can give you an ultimatum, give him one back. Honestly, if he doesn’t bring much to your life maybe just cut him off. I haven’t spoken to mine in 20 years. Life is better.

Pedantic people are fucking insufferable.