AIBU to feel uncomfortable if my child invites their father's mistress?

[Zoobaloo]

Looking for perspectives on the following:

Would you attend your adult DC’s wedding if they had invited their father’s mistress? Would it change if the affair was years ago? Would you feel disrespected?

Read the update.

Ok forget my post. Just read the update.

You go for your child.

It’s op’s wedding!

As it’s your wedding, you do what you feel comfortable with , if your dad is making it all about his wife , I personally wouldn’t what him there and would tell him so , it’s your day would of changed my vote to you are not being unreasonable too

its a tricky one

If it was my wedding id want my mum to be happy and relaxed more than I would want my father’s new wife there. So yes I’d issue a single invite to dad and make it very clear that you are not inviting his wife out of respect for your mum. If he chooses not to come then that tells its own story.

Hope it all works out. Have a lovely wedding.

Well that changes nothing about the original advice, really - it’s your wedding and you invite who you want to be there. If that doesn’t include your father’s new wife, then that’s absolutely fine.

If you don’t want her to come then don’t invite her. Explain it to her and your Dad that you don’t want to hurt your mum and then let them decide if they’d like to be grown up about it.

My FIL insisted on bringing his new girlfriend to our wedding, even though my DH asked for him not to invite her (we only had my DM as our other guest) and DHDM had recently died. He said he wouldn’t come if she wasn’t invited. So DH invited him but it caused some discomfort.

I am the second wife and my DH has an eldest daughter from his previous marriage and i would totally understand not being invited to her wedding (if she had one). It’s not a day about me or my DH. Their marriage broke up years ago but it’s not my place to dictate her guest list and it’s her day.

I think it comes down to what you want for your wedding and what you want going forward.

If you truly don’t want her there, tell your dad you completely understand his position and that he’ll be missed. Then carry on without him. He is the one who will miss out. He seems to have little respect for what marriage stands for so it might not be a great loss.

But what are your future plans? Are you planning to have children? Will your children be interacting with the mistress, expected to call her grandma? Will you be spending time with them for Easter/Christmas etc? Or do you plan to just see your dad? Or not see your dad? I know you’re asking about your wedding but this is the start of many future plans that you might need to decide what you actually want the relationship to be.

I was the daughter in this scenario. I invited the people I wanted there, I.e. my parents. My dad decided not to come as his girlfriend wasn't invited. That was on him.

If you've gone on to develop a relationship with your dad's girlfriend and would like her there then by all means invite her. But if it's just to placate your dad then nope. He can put his big boy pants on and come alone.

I wouldn’t have invited her because although I’m civil with her, I just don’t like her

Sorry I missed this - how do you know he won’t come without his wife? Don’t guess - be explicit to avoid confusion (if you haven’t already).

id still say the same. My mum’s comfort would take preference over my dad’s stubborn refusal to make the day about me rather than him.

The mistress should not attend. I’d explain to my dad that I want him to come to the wedding alone, surely he knows this is the right thing to do. Tell him you’d feel uncomfortable with his new wife attending and as it’s your wedding day how you feel is more important than his and his new wife’s feelings. If he chose not to attend that would be a major deal to me and would change my relationship with him forever

I don’t want a relationship with her at all, or for any future children to. I’m civil with my dad because he’s my dad but I don’t like his wife. Affair aside, she isn’t a very nice person and is very nasty towards my mum, calling her names like a teenager in high school

She’s his wife now. She should be invited.

and that is perfectly fine, it is your day, as long as you are prepared not to have your Dad there.

I wouldn't invite anyone to my wedding who bad-mouthed my mother.

Because he’s told me he won’t come without her and that he hopes his invite will be hers too as she’s ‘family’ now.

Hard disagree,

@Zoobaloo stated "I don’t want a relationship with her at all, or for any future children to. I’m civil with my dad because he’s my dad but I don’t like his wife. Affair aside, she isn’t a very nice person and is very nasty towards my mum, calling her names like a teenager in high school"

I think these decisions should be on the basis of the relationship you want with these people in the future. Sounds like you'd prefer no relationship at all with her. I would invite only my dad.

Personally 'I would not invite her and I'd tell dad, his choice to come or not. Just ket you know either way.

I think actions have consequences and his actions should have consequences.

She's his family, not yours. Have the wedding you want @Zoobaloo

Yes. I’d never miss my dcs wedding and I’d also encourage my dc to get their father there anyway they could, even if thst meant being face to face with his wife. If I was the new wife I’d show some tact, recognise the situation and not go, but then I guess someone who had an affair with a married man doesn’t know or care about doing the right thing.

Then I think you make it very clear to your father that she is not invited, he is to come alone or not come at all. That in future, you will be interacting with only him as you have zero interest in a relationship with his new wife. That you understand it may mean this lessens the relationship between the two of you but that it was important he understood what he was risking as well - his relationship with his child and any future role in your life such as grandparent to any future children.

To be clear is to be kind.