AIBU to feel uncomfortable if my child invites their father's mistress?

[Zoobaloo]

Looking for perspectives on the following:

Would you attend your adult DC’s wedding if they had invited their father’s mistress? Would it change if the affair was years ago? Would you feel disrespected?

He needs to bear the consequences of his actions. He can come alone or not at all. Those would be the options I would give him.

Your father sounds like a horrible, emotionally manipulative man.

Absolutely do not invite his wife.

It would spoil both yours and your mother's day.

Not sure why you'd even consider it if she calls your mother names tbh. Your mother has more of a right to enjoy her daughter's wedding then the woman your father cheated with. He doesn't decide who attends YOUR wedding.

Be clear to your Dad that if he decides not to come, it's his choice but tbh I would stay very low contact, if at all, anyway.

I think you should either get Mumsnet to change the title, or get them to add something to the top of your OP otherwise people will respond to something you’re not actually asking about.

Her now being his wife I think changes things. If it was temporary then no. But wife suggests an intention to be permanent. He shouldn’t have cheated of course but it is what it is now. So yes I think she should be invited. But no one should be threatening not to attend. And if it will cause issues she should maybe bow out gracefully.

I probably wouldn't invite her if you don't like her anyway but it's a tough one. I wouldn't want her there but I would want my dad.

How do you see your relationship with your dad working going forwards? If he won't come to the wedding without her I doubt he'll be on board with keeping his relationship with you/any future grandchildren completely separate either. Sooner or later you may need to make a lesser of two evils choice there as well.

Invite your father alone. If he choses not to come to his daughters wedding because of his wife that is on him. This is your wedding and your father ended your family by cheating on your mum and leaving you and her for this woman so you do not have to explain why you do not want her there to him. I he does not go then he will lose out going forward but you go ahead with your wedding plans and leave him to navigate his solo invite himself. You owe neither of them a thing.

Whilst you can sympathise with your mum about the difficult divorce, I think you do also need to respect the fact your father is now married to the OW, particularly if you want a good ongoing relationship with him

It is very kind of you to consider your mum's feelings but I disagree that "it's not fair on her" to expect her to be an adult and put your feelings first for one day. Is she likely to kick off if you do invite the new wife? Will your mum have other people around to support her? Obviously dont seat them together, but otherwise id hope they could just be civil and/or just avoid each other

It does however depend how long ago this all happened? If it was within last couple of years, it may be more raw all round i know, but if it happened years ago... your mum is fully entitled to hate him and never forgive him for his behaviour but equally needs to let work on letting go of the heartache for her own sake xxx

Also, we say this to kids all the time, but please remember even as an adult, you are not responsible for your parents past behaviour and/or feelings around their divorce or relationship.

If you know he cheated "multiple times", presumably your mum also knew this and chose to try again multiple times, voluntarily, not saying that it makes it ok at all! But... it's really TMI for any child to know so much about their parents breakup as even with obvious wrongs such as cheating, their relationship was theirs and you won't know every thing about that dynamic and how it felt for each of your parents throughout etc.

Good luck with your wedding x

I would also change my mindset: if when you have been clear, he chooses not to come alone, then this is still the right decision, because although it's sad, your whole day would have been ruined by the stress of having that woman there. You will still have a wonderful day and he will be missing out.

Agree.

No way. If my dad had cheated, there's no way I'd want the woman who broke up my family there (if she didn't know he was married, then that is different, but if she did, she's as bad as the cheater).
I'd never put my mum through that.

is your conclusion the same if you'd read @Zoobaloo's post at 23.34?

"I don’t want a relationship with her at all, or for any future children to. I’m civil with my dad because he’s my dad but I don’t like his wife. Affair aside, she isn’t a very nice person and is very nasty towards my mum, calling her names like a teenager in high school"

I went to a wedding recently - groom's dad was there with his current wife, groom's mum was there with her new husband. No fights, lovely wedding.

I think this is very simple.

You have said you don’t like her so don’t invite her.

I also want to say I'm very sorry for you that both your mum and dad have made such selfish comments to you and put you in an impossible position. Both of them are in the wrong for that.

Invite dad on his own. If he chooses not to come then that’s up to him, it may be his current wife but given the way the relationship started he can’t just expect you to accept her as part of the family. If she says unkind things about your mum I wouldn’t even consider inviting her anyway.

I would send both of them a text stating that their behaviour and relationship has caused significant harm to your original family and I would call out his wife and say the way you speak about my mother especially after both of your behaviour towards her is vile and unacceptable.

I would say I am civil in your presence because of the fact you are my father’s wife. However you don’t see her as family and you don’t think it is appropriate for her to attend your wedding.

I would reiterate to your father you would like him to attend however the invite will be for him only. If he decided not to attend that would be the end of my relationship with him.

I can’t stand adults who cause chaos and dysfunction and act like victims after it.

after what you’ve said about the way she talks about your mum, I’m even more strongly in camp mum. I’d probably tell my dad that too - I’m not having anyone at my wedding who bad mouths my mum.

Consider this - if you wouldn’t invite her to your birthday party, why on earth would you invite her to the biggest party you’ll probably ever have? For some reason, we all treat weddings differently but we shouldn’t - it’s the one day you should be surrounded only by people you love and who love you back, no exceptions.

you can do as you have suggested with zero guilt. You have invited your dad. If he behaves like a toddler and refuses to come then that’s on him.

Hadn’t read page 2 no. Sounds like it might all kick off. But I don’t think the OP should be choosing sides in her parents divorce. Interested to know how reasonable the mother is being or if OP is being pressured from both sides.

This is balanced though - both sides have moved on and are in new relationships. The current situation is very different, one party is still very bruised and humiliated and the offending parties are seemingly unapologetic and actively unpleasant. Just no.

Has your mum not remarried?

The OW was obviously important to your dad if he kept going back to, and ultimately married her.

You're an adult now and must know that relationships are not straightforward, things go wrong and they do break down but bitterness should not last forever.

Do you know this woman? You might even find you like her.

It's only insensitive to your mother if she lets it be, ask her how she feels. Remember it is your wedding and you naturally want both parents there.

👆🏻

its your wedding so you invite who you want and as you are not ode to her and don’t like her its fair not to invite her. Your dad can then make a choice but really he should understand why you just want him and not her. My children refuse to have anything to do with their dads girlfriend due to their affair and thats their choice and if they had a wedding I know as it stands she would not be welcome, that said if things change in the future I would still go as its their day.

It's your wedding, you should invite people who you like and who will help you enjoy the day

Your dad's partner does not do these things so she is not invited and if your dad chooses not to come because of that then he is the one missing out.

Sorry your dad is an arsehole.

Even without the update about how the OW is not a nice person I thought do not invite her at the expense of yout mother's feelings. The comments bascially insinuating your mother needs to suck it up are ridiculous. It's the father who needs to suck it up. Your father needs to.realise these are the comsequnces of his actions. Do not tell him you understand if he chooses not to go. Tell him you understand he is choosing his wife who together caused your family pain. Moving foreard it will be him causing a rift. Do not invite her. Your mam deserves to feel.comfortable and you dont like the woman. Case closed.

Oh absolutely don't invite her, she sounds appalling. It's awful your Dad isn't respecting the circumstances AND being careful after causing such harm