AIBU to feel uncomfortable if my child invites their father's mistress?

[Zoobaloo]

Looking for perspectives on the following:

Would you attend your adult DC’s wedding if they had invited their father’s mistress? Would it change if the affair was years ago? Would you feel disrespected?

I couldn't attend. And wouldn't have only my adult son no longer speaks to his father over the affair. But had he invited the child bride my ex ran off with then I'd have to have stepped away.
Luckily my kids wiped their father as a result of his behaviour so I don't have to worry about it.

Your mother, obviously, is NOT emotionally blackmailing you. She experienced abuse from your abusive father - yes cheating is indeed abusive and wrecks people's mental health, anyone pretending otherwise is generally a cheating abuser themselves or just very dim/low empathy and compassion. She has not gotten over that abuse and she does not wish to be stripped of her remaining dignity at her own daughter's wedding.

If she was demanding your father not come, that would be (maybe) unreasonable. But she has simply told you that having the mistress he chose to abuse her with and desert his family over at her own daughter's wedding will make her feel dreadful. I would imagine it might ruin her day quite a bit.

It's perfectly reasonable for her not to want him to flaunt his mistress in her actual face at her own daughter's wedding, of course.

You also don't like her, because she's unpleasant.

Your father stuck his cock in a passing random, who he later upgraded to mistress, so he gets no say in anything related to his mistress.

If he tries to emotionally blackmail you, so be it, he gets to miss out on his daughter's wedding. He already chose to miss out on a normal family life, so that's his call to make.

He can come without the mistress who dislikes your mother, and who you rightfully also dislike, or he can piss off. Easily done.

Her mother said it would make her feel disrespected for the woman her ex had an affair with to come - that's emotional blackmail. She has good reason to be angry at the woman and at her ex, and I'm not suggesting the distress isn't real, but it's still emotional blackmail.

Oh dear no, of course not, this is not remotely true.

This is the normal, standard and expected reaction of a woman who was abused by a cheater for years, being honest about her vulnerability.

She said she'd feel disrespected, and that's becuse she would be being (once again) disrespected. The mistress doesn't need to be there, OP has no relationship with her, the father can simply be told no for once in his life, thus solving the problem being invented by her entitled arsehole of a father.

You cannot compare the reaction of a person who was cruelly abused and lied to's reaction with the reaction of a piece of selfish, lying shit who stuck his cock in randoms, or a woman happy to shag married men who still slags off the man's wife.

The father is a man who shags randoms and runs roughshod over other people as he pleases, attempting blackmail to get his way again. The mistress and the daughter don't get along and the mistress slags OPs mum off. These are just established facts.

So no, there is no emotional blackmail at all. Just an abused woman trying to hang onto the last shreds of her dignity, who doesn't want the woman who helped destroy her marriage to be slithering around on her daughter's special day.

And her mother also did not say she would not come but pointed out that she would be being disrespected if the mistress was given this acknowledgement.

So the mistress will just have to learn to live with the fact that she won't ever be a part of OPs life. Oh well. It's not like she cares.

I'll assume you're a cheater or the OW who enables cheating, if you continue to try to pretend not to get this.

It’s your wedding and your choice of guests. If he refuses to come without her then so be it. You’d have thought he could see the day was about you and not him

Tbh he sounds like an idiot anyway. No loss if he won't come.

Don’t invite her if you don’t want to. Do you even want your father there considering he is STILL prioritising this woman above you, his daughter. I’d say to him, she isn’t invited and if you are going to sulk and flounce so be it. What a selfish man.

Zero empathy from him, he can’t put you first for just one day, can he?

I wouldn’t go if my dad married his mistress. My dad had an affair years ago and after he split with my mum I said I wanted to see him happy with someone but I would never have a relationship with the woman who broke our family up….even though I was 30 at the time 🤷🏻‍♀️

Your mother needs to put her feelings aside for one day. My ex husband brought his wife to my my daughter’s wedding. He had an affair with her and they married. The day wasn’t about any of us, just my daughter and her husband. I get why your mum is hurt, but this is not her day. The only thing I put my foot down at was she wanted to come to the dress shop when my daughter was choosing her dress and it was a firm no from me. It caused some issues with my ex but I am her mother, and had been looking forward to that day since she was little.

No. It's not moralistic to want to protect your mother from someone else's venom.

Ultimately the decision is yours and yours alone to make, I don't think there is any right or wrong in what you decision you do end up deciding.

Although as you don't want her there, in your position, I would take my dad aside and explain to him the reasons and express disappointment that he is choosing her over your special day. It's about you and not them.

Also if you are having a traditional wedding with a wedding party and top table; even if you decided she could attend, isn't she going to be lurking around on her own?

If you are doing top table etc. I would explicitly mention that to your dad and tell him under no terms would she be part of it, so it likely would be awkward for her anyway.

Its also not moralistic to care for and want your father at your wedding. You just don't see it that way hence YES you are being moralistic from your point of view.

Also you missed the point of what I was saying. That it is understandable it was hard for the op to make this choice. You dont appear to acknowledge that at all.

The fact that you dislike her (& it’s YOUR day!) & she’s so disrespectful & cruel to your mum & your dad allows that, would definitely seal the deal for me - she’s not invited & if it means he doesn’t come either, then so be it! End of. You can then relax & all have a lovely day without the fear of something kicking off or your mum being upset.

😂ok

This. Either you wish to attend the wedding or you don’t. What you do says everything about you.

The fact you feel the need to add a laugh/cry face tells me a lot more about you than you expect.

Its ok to disagree with people.

I would probably feel upset, but I wouldn’t miss my child’s wedding for those bastards!!

I think that one key issue is that the mistress is not behaving well around your mother. Until all grown ups have settled down to a grown up relationship, all bets are off, as you can’t take the risk of anyone spoiling the day. So only your dad is invited. This is true of all future events, christenings etc, so both your mother and the mistress need to understand that childishness will result in a red card and they will get benched for the next occasion. If they really want to support you, then they will understand and behave for your sake.

(You can also tell your dad that you have read the riot act to your mother too and you will be watching her behaviour closely)

But the Dad is making the OP choose....the OP does not want the wife there irrespective of her Mum's views.

Where is there any evidence that the OP's Mum is 'not behaving'?

If it's your wedding, and you don't want her, don't invite her.
If your dad doesn't agree, maybe it's best he doesn't come.
I remember going to a wedding where the groom's dad brought his new wife, and it went a bit weird. Groom didn't know her that well, but talked about wishing his deceased DM could be there (as of course you would), but dad got annoyed and said he was upsetting his wife by only talking about his previous wife.

@CrypticClueless

The OP has said that the mother has told her that she would feel really disrespected if the lady attends the wedding. Whilst the mother is totally entitled to feel this way, at some point (and it depends how recent the affair was), she does have to get over this and not pull rank to exclude this lady, assuming that the lady starts behaving appropriately. That’s what I mean for the future - OP shouldn’t have to play happy families with this woman to have a relationship with her dad at all, but there probably does need to be a clear pathway towards a healthy set of relationships that don’t put her in the middle of bitterness and resentment. That’s on her mum as well as her dad.

Wonder what he expected his son to do. The "previous wife" was the groom's mom, ofc he'd talk about missing her. Did they expect him not to mention his deceased mother at his own wedding? Or was he supposed to mention both for fairness as in, I miss my mother but I'm happy at least my father found a replacement for his previous wife?

I vaguely remember that he wanted his new wife to have recognition, but groom didn't really know his new wife. He didn't really get on with his dad anyway and they didn't speak much. He thanked his dad for being there, and wished his mum could have been. His dad even did it through a microphone (bit drunk I think) so I think it's definitely not letting your son have their day.