AIBU to feel uncomfortable if my child invites their father's mistress?

[Zoobaloo]

Looking for perspectives on the following:

Would you attend your adult DC’s wedding if they had invited their father’s mistress? Would it change if the affair was years ago? Would you feel disrespected?

I think in the circumstances as described i would not have the OW at your wedding.

And as regards any future children if this OW is bad mouthing your mum that will cause endless issues for you, and your children.

Your dad may well think she is family, he does not get to decide that.

TBH i would not want my father there either.

Your dad needs to grow the fuck up. He sounds like a vile man.

I wouldn’t invite the new wife. If your dad doesn’t come then it’s his loss. I’m sorry.

I wondered that too.

Your Dad did a bad thing and expects there to be no repercussions. Telling you he won't come unless she is also invited is complete emotional manipulation, but clearly he's displayed a pattern of this type of behaviour over the years.

I honestly would not invite the mistress and I'd probably rethink inviting your Dad. He should be so thrilled to be included in your day and have enough about him to understand why you wouldn't invite his mistress- he's not that guy though so don't give him the opportunity to ruin your day being petulant and huffy.

My mum was having a long term known affair at the time of my wedding and they were not invited, that's a boundary I felt it was ok for me to have.
If they'd been divorced, then perhaps ok.

If you decide not to invite your father’s wife, my advice to him would be to put his child first for one day.

this really should be your decision. Both parents should accept your decision and attend politely.

My exH is now living with his affair partner (they began an affair when I was pregnant and it went on through the first year of my DDs life - so a really vulnerable time for me). I also knew the affair partner prior to affair so she knew I existed and that was pregnant/had a new baby etc.

They now play happy families with my Dd (now a teen) 2 nights per week. Obviously I don’t love the situation but would never bad mouth either of them and my Dd is still oblivious to all the background.

if they’re together by the time my Dd gets married, I will basically be in the same scenario as your mum in this situation.

would I choose to spend time in the company of either my exH or his affair partner? NO WAY

would I be willing to be civil for one day for my dds sake and bite my tongue? ABSOLUTELY, it’s her day. She deserves to be happy and would want both me and her dad there.

my DDs wedding is not about me - or her dad - or any historic drama. It’s about her and her new husband and their future. In fact I’d put on a brave face and not even let on to my Dd that o had an issue with it. It’s not fair to put that on her.

if she happens to grow up and see through them both and decide herself she doesn’t want her dads partner there I won’t pretend I’d be gutted 😂 but that will never come from me or my influence

Sorry I wrote this before I read that you personally dont like her and don’t want her there. That’s fair enough and your prerogative.
But please don’t do it purely on your mums behalf. I’d hate my daughter to ever feel she had to do that for me at her own wedding

I think your situation is different, because your daughter will see that woman as her stepmother and had grown up around her.

Whereas the OP doesn’t see this woman as her stepmother. She doesn’t play “happy families” with her. She is well aware of the messy divorce and heartache caused. Is your daughter aware too?

So no, you will not be “in the same situation” as the OP’s mum.

I think its unfair of your dad to make your wedding the place he takes the stand that she is 'family'. So I would be inclined to say, dad I love you but its my wedding and a celebration of my love for my husband to be - not an opportunity for you to force other family members to accept your love for your partner. Have your own wedding if you want that. I feel like you are trying to emotionally blackmail me into giving you want you want by threatening to not come if I don't. I feel pretty sad you would try and leverage my wedding in that way. I want you to come but I would understand if you don't want to.

This, 100%.

I'm sorry but my response would be "shes not my family and wont be attending my wedding you are welcome to come on your own if you chose not to come thats your choice and I accept it"
Id then stick to it, no nasty former mistress/new wife at my wedding even if it ment my dad not coming, but im a hard nosed bitch.
You need to do what's right for you not your mum or dad and only invite people you want and dont let your dad pressure you. Ultimately he will have to decide whether to go to his daughter's wedding alone or miss it

I’m not one to like family drama, however in this circumstance I can’t believe that your father’s new wife would even want to go. That alone is sounding alarm bells for me and for that reason I would not invite her. She has caused your mother (and you) a great deal of emotional pain (you said he was with her multiple times and now fully together) it’s ridiculous to expect your mother to be ok with her and for you to put your mother in that position. I honestly can’t believe she would have the nerve to attend - let alone demand an invitation via your father.

All OP said was that the affair was years ago. She’s not said what age she was when it all happened or
if her stepmum was in her life when she was younger.

no my Dd doesn’t know any of the background but is now starting to see her dads gf’s behaviour (eg very controlling and selfish) but it’s never come from me.

I have not intentions of telling her any of this as I want her to have a good relationship with her dad for her own sake. However I can’t guarantee she won’t fallout. Exh has a massive family and many of them have fallen out with exH and his gf over the years - they are now estranged but have regular contact with my Dd. I’ve allowed contact on the agreement my Dd will be left out of family politics and bad mouthing of her dad. Unfortunately that will be harder for me to influence when she’s an adult

It's not a choice unless you want it to be. Invite both parents no strings attached. Their politics aren't yours.
If you have a preference, own it.

I wouldn't invite her on that basis.

Explain it to DD, but anticipate that he may not come.

Basically the woman who was betrayed, cheated on and treated horrendously had to shut up and suck it up for the sake of the kids while the people who did that can play happy families and have zero consequences, huh?

Obviously young kids don't need to know what went on but as they get old enough that they are capable of understanding, I don't think it sets a good example for someone to behave horrendously to someone they are supposed to love, and for the victim to have be silent and hide their feelings and pain.

Sorry edited to add - Sorry you went through that. The way you deal with it may work for you but that doesn't mean it's the right way. I've never experienced it but my sister did and the way her ex and his mistress behaved made her feel suicidal. Kids are now adults and can't stand the woman but I still feel that she should have been honest with them when they were 11/12 rather than encourage them to go to visits and try to like her to keep the peace.

Yes, this.

It’s worth a think through. We had similar…..partners father thought his mistress/wife was entitled to come with him to our wedding. One of our little flower girls had cancer at the time. We found out his mistress had just come out of hospital having had a boob enhancement& had ended up in ICU. Partner and I called bridesmaids parents to chat it through and they said better to not have someone bringing ICU germs.

Absolutely fine with us. Their call. She was in the bridal party, mistress not so much. She didn’t have to schedule her op for just before our wedding.

Partners dad wasn’t at all happy, pestered mother in law about getting it cleared for the mistress to come and stay at the back! (No!). It was all very strange.
He was minted, his new family got everything and my hubby and his sisters were second class/abused really... Father in law wasn’t helping with wedding cost at all, letting everyone else scrimp to help us (we were v young).

Fast forward a few years, we don’t see his dad or his mistress or their new replacement family. No great loss to us.
He clearly doesn’t really understand marriage and I still think it’s awful how badly he treated my husband and his sisters. We have since had children and he hasn’t been a part of that.

We are ok with that, and think we’ve probably save a lot of hassle for us and our children.

Some people are not nice characters.

If he won’t go to his own child’s wedding unless he gets his own way re his guest, he doesn’t sound very nice to be honest.

It’s your wedding. Have what you feel happy with. You are under no obligation to invite him or his mistress!!!

My advice as someone who has lived something similar…..sod him! Have your mum there. Have a gorgeous day. Don’t give him or the mistress a second thought!

🌼🌸🌻

dad wants to normalize his relationship with the OW/ now wife. He wants it normalized and all the seedy past forgotten and for her to be meeting and greeting all the guests with him as his wonderful wife. She wants this too now after years of being the other woman.

you don’t really like her or want her there

I’m sensing/ reading you seem closer to your mum who will have to put on her best face and enjoy the day/ be happy despite two people who made her life quite sad and difficult.

your dad refuses to put you first. Im Sure his wife is in his ear about how he’s not going if she’s not going. I suspect he is parroting her words.

will your mum go and make the best of it irregardless? Will she go even if OW/ wife is there hanging on your father’s arm? If your answer is yes for this very reason I would not have OW/wife at the wedding.

your mum will put you first. For this reason I would make the day better for her and you by saying dad I want you there but not wife.

don’t worry about birthdays etc that’s the future and you may decide differently then.

im not surprised your dad is remarried of course they both needed to legitimize their relationship built on lies and deception by marrying. Two selfish people still
being selfish.

This. Your dad needs to understand this is not the time to be digging his heels in. You and your poor mum can do without the stress.

I'm sorry he's making what should be your happy day difficult, OP. In this case, I would prioritise your own wants and your mum's wants, over your father's. Tell him frankly that while you love him, you don't like his wife, you're disappointed in him for the way he treated your mother, he's lucky to be invited at all, and he's to come alone and not with the woman he broke his marriage vows with.

But be prepared for him to play the victim, prioritise his wife over you, and refuse to come.

If it was reversed, I wouldn't go if my parents didn't agree of my husband.

As a mum, I would go to my kids weddings no matter what. If my ex is remarried, I wouldn't love to see the new wife, but I would ignore it.

Also as a mum, I don't agree on making my kids chose between their mum and their dad.

She is his wife, even if she is a yucky other woman she gets invited. But I think I’d have cut off dad for affairs in the first place so neither would be going, but if dad is allowed despite affairs then wife comes too

Said by someone who has never been betrayed

I was in a similar situation almost 20y ago now. My dad on his own, my mum with her affair, not yet married themselves. It was so raw (only a year before) that I said I didn't want the new fella there: my mum came to the church but not to the dinner afterwards as she didn't want to sit at the top table with me and my dad. I stand by that being the correct decision then, though if I were to remarry now I'd invite them all. But that's what the passage of time does.